A Very Simpson Christmas

Season's Greetings!

Hope everybody has finished their Christmas shopping and is ready to kick back and enjoy the festive season, eggnog in hand, crackling fire, the jolly sound of old St. Nick stomping around the snowy rooftops! What a time of year! But you know what happens if you don't finish your Christmas shopping? Yes, that's right! Santa eats your heart! Bummer!

Moving on, I was shopping for some CD's today, and I picked up the new Ashlee Simpson record. It is burning up the charts and I just had to see what all the fuss was about. Well my goodness was I in for a shock! This Ashlee is not the sweet little sister of the moralistic starlet I like to call "Jesse Essy". I guess I was a little naive, thinking the old addage "sex sells" could be put on hold, at least through the holidays. Apparently not. I have transcribed some of her lyrics below so you can see for yourself, prepare to be mortified:

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"Pieces Of Me"

On a Monday, I am horny
Tuesday, I am horny
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness makes me horny
Cause you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, poosay, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy it's your mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
When you hit that bottom
Crash! you're all I have

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way ass feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

On a Monday, I am horny
And by Tuesday, I am fading into your ass...
So I can dream

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, poosays, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...

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Like, I know right! If Britney is a MILF, that would make Ashlee a TILW - Trollop I'd Like to Wallop! She should be ashamed. And at Christmas time to boot! Singin' about getting her ass whacked on Christmas, boo I say, boo to you Ms. Simpson. What do you think Leo?



'nuff said.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS ALL!

Word Fun

So this post isn't going to have anything to do with Leo Dicaprio, sorry to disappoint. Instead I though I would go with this new word game I though of just now. Rules below.

1. I pick a letter and then write a sentence.
2. In the sentence, every word starting with that letter signifies the OPPOSITE of what word should be there.
3. Decode for hours of fun and amusement!

For example: "F"

"free cars are fancy and fun."

which would mean:

"Expensive cars are basic and boring."

Get it? I know it wasn't funny, that's why I burned it in the EXAMPLE section.
Try this hilarity on for size...

"L"

"Little ladies with long legs give shitty, uncomfortable hugs!"

ZAP! FUN-E! How about this...

"C"

"so you say you can't stomach cooked hot-dogs? Try chewing dog-shit!"

Yessssss.....

And finally...

"P and H"

"Pretty pimps make for hard hens and horny housewives."

ZING! That last one got a little raunchy! That is if any of this is actually making any sense to anyone! Holla if you hear me!.... (silence)(sound of crickets)(lone tear down the cheek)

The Golden Boy

Hey Leo Heads!

It has been a busy week folks, what with Leo getting the Golden Globe nod for The Aviator, and his rare appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show! That's a lot of Leo! I almost OD'd!

Now I don't want to jinx anything, but...okay, here goes: "Leo will win the Golden Globe for Best Actor". There I said it. Whew! That wasn't too bad. Alright why not? "Leo is going to win a fricking Oscar!" Whoah man that felt good. Just imagine L.D standing in front of the assembled masses: the live crowd, A-Listers and starlets abound; the betting types, sitting with their Oscar pool money on the table, cursing themselves for picking Paul Giamatti; all unified in their love and appreciation for Leo, the murmers, then the whispers giving way to a low rumble, and if you turn your T.V up and lean in real close you can start to make out the words, sinking together into a slow, loving chant, "we're sorry Leo, we were wrong to doubt you and make fun, we are stupid, stupid people Leo". Perfection.

The one drawback is that a win would launch Leo into the realm of "mainstream-movie-superstardom", and away from the low-key, indie-arthouse type stuff that he has been pursuing for the past few years. What can I say folks, some are meant for greatness!



PS- Due to a late resurgence of the cult idea, I have left the poll so our finalists can scrap it out for first place. Vote now folks, this is Leo's future we are talking about...

SO MUCH FOR ENDURING LOVE

So, our boy Leo is many things, but one thing he seems NOT to be is the "commitment-type". How appropriate is it that Leo is playing the womanizing Howard Hughes in the upcoming bio-pic The Aviator? It is very appropriate. Very appropriate indeed. Yes.

Leo has, in fact, been linked to more than 20 Hollywood starlets, and he just turned thirty! At this rate I estimate by the time he is 40 he will have boned somewhere between 70 and 90 starlets! That's almost a hundred starlets! HOLY! If you want more info on Leo and his ladies you can get all the goods HERE.

The point of this little ramble is this: It is time for Leo to settle down, so I have put together the little poll you see below (bottom of the page). If everyone could please voice their opinions I will gather all of the data, and compile a theory for what would make Leo happiest in his life. Once complete, I will email my theory to Leo, and all kinds of hilarity will (or will not) ensue. Let's give it a shot!


PS - I am having some trouble formatting this puppy. If you could please give me some feedback in the shoutouts on whether or not the site looks right on your comp I would appreciate it. Love is all around us, M.

FUTURE WORLD

Check out my new Leo page! New colors and a site meter and shout outs and everaythang cool that exists under the sun! In the coming days and weeks this site will be a beacon of joy and deliciousness to birghten your glum and un-delicious days (should you have any days that are any less than super-lish). Like watch this: LEO DONALD DICAPRIO! See what i did, I made you think of Leo, which in turn made you happy, which in turn made you love me (and Leo).


RAAAR!

I DID IT! Marvin right, well I just took the beating of a lifetime just to make this site fully functional. But as you well know, I'll do anything for a super fan with Hep C. Fight the good fight! And look for the album with me on the cover ( I do a rap with C-Webb, cool non?! )

I DID IT!

In the tradition of re-branding stale, crappy old products and making them into slick, delicious, marketable masterpieces I give you:




LEONARDO DICAPRIO FANHOME!

Drop in regularly for all your Leo needs. We'll have up to the minute stats ("Leo Dicaprio ate nine things yesterday"); quotes ("I don't see why I can't have friends of both sexes without wild rumors being circulated. It's crazy.") That one's actually real, and tell me about it Leo!; and of course, excerpts from my very own "The Leo Diaries: Melted by a Heart of Gold".

Can you feel the excitement folks! It's more electrifying than that scene where Leo was crying and asking his momma for junk money in The Basketball Diaries! Welcome to a new, glorious, and totally Dicaprio Day!