Leondro DiCaprio Fanhome

Thing Day

2006-07-25T15:18:00.000-04:00

Hey Blogs, check this:

Since I've missed 35 consecutive days of blogging on this blog, I decided to make up for it by giving you one thing per day for the past 35.

Let's goooooooo!

1. A Joke.

Q: What did Elvis say after singing Jailhouse Rock?
A: Shank you, shank you very much.

2. New Slang.

R.A.M.B.O.

An area in downtown Brooklyn, N.Y. near Vinegar Hill. It is an acronym for "Right After the Manhattan Bridge Overpass". The name is an offshoot of the more popular term D.U.M.B.O., an acronym for "Down Under the Manhattan Bridge Overpass".

"Unable to find an affordable apartment in D.U.M.B.O., Richard was forced to look several blocks east in R.A.M.B.O."

3. A Curfew.

Ten o'clock.

Sharp, mister!

4. A Haiku.

Take your time in life.
Smell all the pretty flowers.
Stick them in your butt.

5. Three Varieties of Apple.

1. Granny Smith.
2. Mackintosh.
3. Fiona.

6. One Problem With Dogs.

Smelly.

7. My Middle Name.

Randolph.

8. 700 Hobo Names

9. Number of Days Older Than Me That Leo Is.

1,400.

10. Year the Golf Ball was Invented.

1400.

11. Think about it.

12. Number 4 in Binary.

01010100 01100001 01101011 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01101100 01101001 01100110 01100101 00101110 00001101 00001010 01010011 01101101 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01100001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110000 01110010 01100101 01110100 01110100 01111001 00100000 01100110 01101100 01101111 01110111 01100101 01110010 01110011 00101110 00001101 00001010 01010011 01110100 01101001 01100011 01101011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01101101 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 01110100 00101110

13. A Quote From Charles Barkley.

"The only thing Christian Laettner has in common with Larry Bird is they both pee standing up."

14. My Old Shampoo.

15. My Current Shampoo.

16. My Future Shampoo.

17. Sham Poo.

18. Two Words That Rhyme, But That Are Spelled Very Differently.

1. Etiquette

2. Tourniquet

19. A Practise oft Overlooked by Junkies.

Tourniquet etiquette.

20. Flavour Of A Donut.

Plain.

21. Tom Cruise's Real Name.

Thomas Cruise Mapother IV.

22. Dikembe Mutombo's Real Name.

Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo Mapother III.

23. What Tom Cruise Calls Dikembe Mutombo.

"Mama".

24. Acronym For 'Scuba'.

S.

25. Anagram For 'Scuba'.

A Scub.

26. An Extremely Suggestive Family Circus Cartoon.

27. Post I Started Writing Before Scrapping it to Write This One.

'Raffi The Prop-Rant Comedian'.

28. Half of a Joke.

Q: What do you call a dinosaur with genital herpes?

29. Characters on the Simpsons.

1. Marge.
2. Lisa.
3. Jerrrrreyyyyyyyyy.

30. A Funny Caption To a Photo I'm Not Going to Show You.

"Are you gonna eat that?"

31. How NOT to Spend Your August Long Weekend.

Shoplifting.

32. A Sequence of Words I Enjoy but Know Nobody Else Will.

I crunch my smunchy lunchy.

33. A Good Time to Charge Up Your Cell Phone.

At night, when you're sleeping.

34. One of The Most Aggravating Guys Possible.

35. The Rest of The Joke in #28.

A: Morris Peterson.

-----------------------

Happy Hump Day!

LOL ADMIN>

THE NUMBERIST

2006-06-28T16:17:00.000-04:00

The trash can had been empty for almost thirty minutes when the next load came hurtling down the chute - warm and wet, the soft pink colour of mulched carnival treats with grey fibrous chunks mixed in. It flooded down for a good ten seconds, filling the can to its brim. Eric wrapped his arms around the bin - pressing stenching fluids into his shirt - and lifted deeply from his knees, bringing the rim to his mouth. As he drank it down the adulation rushed from the stinking hole above him.

"We love you Numberist," the residents bellowed down. "We would all surely melt without you".

And they would, he supposed, melt that is, if he wasn't there to digest their toxic sludge. To drink down their refuge and swallow their sins.

THE NUMBERIST

Eric's hands are tiny - half the size of a normal man's - and the bites his nails down to their nubs. He shakes hands like a timid child, cold and limp, sweat rising from his palms at even the sight of a stranger. His voice cracks and crumbles as he introduces himself, and he audibly whispers your name after you've said it in an effort not to forget. His breath stinks of a rotting breadbox, rich and yeasty, and warmer than one might expect. His teeth are big white squares that are almost more off-putting than anything else once you juxtapose them against his brittle, tearing lips and heinously acned complexion. His hair (what's left of it) is a greasy rag, placed upon his head, black as the night, and reeking of the many food scraps clinging to his shiny bald pate. He looks like a tiny, winded circus dwarf, breaking under the weight of his own self-doubt.

Keys jangle in the lock and the door swings open.

"You're done for the day Eric, go home and get some sleep".

"It's fine, I'm good for another load or two, I'll be home before midnight".

"I swear Eric, sometimes you act like this is all you have in life".

Eric mumbles under his paint-peeling breath, as Gary takes his seat by the can.

A Thirty Year-Old Cookbook

2006-06-02T16:10:00.000-04:00

Well Done Brookie!

Poster Boy

2006-05-29T17:32:00.000-04:00

A lot of the time, instead of typing anything on my blog I feel like just beating the keyboard. Smashing the good shit out of it and leaving it in a little pile of r's and d's. Then shoveling the broken wires and plastic shards into the waste-paper basket, sweeping my desk clean with the mouse, studying the surface with the infrared ray to make sure I haven't missed a stray comma or ampersand.

Then the mouse itself gets swung around by its charcoal cord, its USB plug clenched firmly in my upraised fist. It glances off the desk before hammering the monitor, spraying glass across the carpet as the final flickers spring up and down the LCD.

The mouse pops out and crumples beneath my descending foot. The monitor comes up over my head and crashes down, down, down through the window and 9 fleeting stories before finding the rough concrete of the parking-lot below.

The tower gets gutted, CD tray first, followed by drivers and inputs, fibers and wires and the mighty motherboard, all breaking easily under my tearing fingers, ripping and scraping the insides out.

I stop for a second to study my hands.

And then I punch preview, and then I pound post.

LOL ADMIN>

Ears, Please!

2006-05-05T14:57:00.000-04:00

Blogs, Bloggies, and Bloghs,

I write to you today not in jest or jester-rector, nein mystic nor whimsy shall call my attention from the grave and danger-fridden caution I have come to dispel.

It is a danger of:

Ewwwww!

Wherever you sleep you don't think you can be safe from this obtrusive and clandestine:

Ewwwww!

Danger! That's right Danger. It lurks under your pillow-case and in the recent filling your dentist implanted in your cavity hole.

But-But-But-B-B-B-B-Butt, whyyyyyyyyyyyyy? Like a moaning baby shouting and squealing out the terrible sound: Whhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

SHUT UP BABY! I DON'T GIVE YOU ANSWER BABY! NO!

-------

Have a great weekend gang!

LOL ADMIN.

Kudos

2006-04-27T21:10:00.000-04:00

LOL!!!

Karn on the Cob

2006-04-21T16:22:00.000-04:00

This man needs an Emmy!

Whose Karn is it Anyway?

Yesterday, the 20th of April 2006, Rich Karn delivered about three minutes of the most excellent television since a certain robotic girl graced the screen.

SW = LOL

The Killinger family (returning champs) reached fast money for their second time and sent up the mom (brutal choice) and the super-creepy dad, Neil, who had gone second the day before and responded to being told he had his work cut out for him by telling Richard 'Don't worry, I've got very broad shoulders'. So the mom proceeds to bomb it, gets like 31 points, and then Neil comes out and looks surprisingly shaken by the situation, considering how broad his shoulders are and all.

Wide-load-bearing.

So the first question comes up, 'What part of a chihuahua is very small?', which mom got a fat zero on by saying 'face', which was creepy enough on its own. Neil would not be outdone, however, and proudly stated 'Its Peter!'. Well the place just goes bonkers, crowd flipping out, grandma looking like she's going to faint, Karn barely keeping his own shit together, though he does manage to get through it.

Consummate Pro.

So the time runs out, and there is a long awkward pause while the judges are trying to decide what they can get away with putting on the board, before they finally screw it and just go with 'Peter'. This, of coarse, sends the place on it's head all over again, and is followed by 'Peter' actually getting two points.

And then, Karn drops this bomb, which as far as I'm concerned should cement his legacy in the TV game-show host hall of fame:

"The number one answer was 'feet', but you know what they say about dogs with small feet".

Richard Karn - 2006.

There Goes The Neighborhood...

2006-03-31T17:02:00.000-05:00

Looks like the Cook-Book
is finally on-line... Welcome to the Web Mr. Henny!

Portland Rocks!

2006-03-29T15:55:00.000-05:00

Q: Why'd the lush move to Portland?
A: Cause he couldn't afford a place in Cognacopolis!

Serious though. I joke because I love.

I PORTLAND!

Portland is located in the proud state of Oregon (not just a delicious spaghetti sauce flavouring anymore folks, oh no! Now it's a full-blown state, and that's one bill away from a being a COUNTRY! Gad-Zooks!) and has a population of 37 million. Oregon is on the south-western tip of the USA, and is the home of such famous people as:

Whammo!

Wazzaaap!

and

Beverly Cleary, beloved children’s novelist and author of the Ramona Quimby books.

Moreover and heretofore, if it wasn't for Portland we wouldn't have such things as the Fosbury Flop, which looks like this:

The Fosbury shattered the record book and all but reinvented the sport of high-jump in 1968.

'And that's it', you say? 'Portland doesn't seem that awesome'...

Well no, I guess it wouldn't, considering you have yet to consider the fact that a little company called NIKE started not too far away in Beaverton, Oregon.

Yeah, that's right. That Nike. With the:

and the:

and the:

Yeah I know, Portland is seeming kind of amazing now isn't it? Thinking you spoke too soon? Portland agrees.

Portland doesn't even want me to tell you about:

The Captain William Clark Monument

Which just so happens to be sculpted by the same artist who created the Martin Luther King Jr. Monument, and depicts a Native American, Clark and his black slave York, who accompanied the Lewis & Clark Expedition.

Portland doesn't want you to know about the CWC Monument because Portland doesn't really want you to like it at this point. Portland thinks you're smug.

PORTLAND: Yeah, fuck you.
LEO: Whoah whoah there tough guy! Watch what you're saying to the Leo fanbase there Portland.
PORTLAND: Fuck you too bub, what have you done for me lately? I am a bloody state capital! I have been compared favorably to such world renowned cities as:

Houston!

and:

Nashville!

LEO: Oh please, this is getting pathetic.

LOL ADMIN: STOP IT! BOTH OF YOU! I have made it clear that I love you both, so you are just going to have to find a way to get along.

LEO: Like what do you suggest?
PORTLAND: I don't know, it's your site Mr Movie Star.

LOL ADMIN: That's it!

Mi Casa, Su Casa

2006-03-03T17:09:00.000-05:00

'B' is for Brain
'L' is for Address
'O' is for
'G' is for Grimy
'A' is for Assured
'S' is for Subway
'S' is for

I thought I would open today's blog with an unfinished acrostic I call 'BlogAss'. It's hard when there are two S's.

Rock Hard.

I was all set to blog you today about the 10,000th hit this delicious web-haven just received (more than twice as many as Pete Rose, BTW), when I realized there is something far more pressing I need to address. Did I find this new information on the computer? NO! How about on the web? NO! How about on ESPN.com? Hell, NO!

Where then, could I have found it?

Well friends, it was tucked inside...

The folds of my own brain!

I used something called 'Critical Thinking Skills' to facilitate this new information. I started with a thought:

I Love Ninja Turtles.

I then, and this is the part that uses Critical Thinking, let that thought turn into another thought:

I Want to Live With Them.

This second though then blossomed like a hot-house flower into a million micro-thoughts that settled in and around the folds of my brain, and formed a question:

WTF* Do Those Guys Live?

(*WTF stands for 'Where The Fuck', I'm in touch with the youth culture).

Really though, when they go down that hole where do they end up?

Do they sleep on the subway tracks? Keeping one ear on the rail so they might warn their fellow Turtles at the first sign of an approaching train? Does the hole teleport them in some fashion? Perhaps to somewhere in the desert? No, no , no and no!

When they dive down the hole they go to: CASA-BUNGA!

Casa Bunga is a place where the Turtles can relax and get away from the stress of battling thugs, goons and henchmen.

There is no hate at Casa Bunga. In fact, last time it was tested it was completely free of negativity, sarcasm, snideness, and mean. It is filled with only one emotional oxygen-substitute (Turtles breathe feelings): LOVE!

Casa Bunga is so pleasant that it actually floats 3 inches off the ground most days, and makes the Turtles feel so loved that they smile even when they are fighting (bad guys, never each other!)

So even though the Turtles may be out of the spotlight (for now) rest assured that they are not lying with their cute green faces pressed against grimy subway tracks in the underbelly of NYC.

Instead, they are laying out at Casa Bunga, soaking up the rays and laughing about their old crime-fighting days. And that is where you will find them, until they are called on again, which, I might mention, will be sooner than you think (believe me, I'm in touch with the youth culture).

--------------------------------

LOL ADMIN>

ANOTHER

2006-03-01T15:16:00.000-05:00

Hello Helios!

'Where you been?' humans always ask me. 'Why don't you blog anymore?'. 'Blog you don't blog anymore' they say to me. The nerve!

Well helio-blogs, after wrapping the Olympics earlier this week, the truth is that I am a little tapped out. If I was a cashew nut I would be skinless and half digested by the roasting juices of your deep and unclean bowels. Or something.

But I wanted to write a blog today because it has been far too long, and if I didn't write something soon, I feared you might start visiting sites like this one, this one and this one instead of the mighty Salad Army, and we can't have that. Maybe the last one, but definitely not the first two. Fuck the first two!!!

LEO: So what is this post about Marto?

Good question Leonard. Fine question, the better question, however, is what isn't this blog about.

LEO: Oh fuck, here we go...

Chill, I'm only kidding. I wouldn't do that at such a critical and fragile time in my relationship with the helio-blogs. That would be unresponsible. What is unresponsible you say? Well chipmunks, I am glad you asked...

LEO: That's it, I'm leaving you.

Okay, no seriously, I'm kidding, relax. Someone is strung up pretty tight today. The real answer to your question is that this post is about:

HANDSHAKES!

LEO: What about them?

Well that's precisely my point Leo, what about them?

LEO: You're pushing it.

I'm serious, people shake hands every day, to close deals, be sporting, or say hello. But what do all those handshakes do. Or rather, what do they mean?

LEO: You've lost me.

Well consider this, friend. A shake is just a shake, and yet it is always more than a shake. For example, you can shake like this:

But that shake might mean something like this:

Or even this:

Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?

LEO: No, it doesn't.

Yeah, well, what about this shake?

And this one?

And this one!

And this one!

And this one!

LEO: What are you trying to prove?

Fine, forget it. There goes another.

---------------------

LOL ADMIN>

HI BUDDIES!

2006-02-12T21:23:00.000-05:00

Hi my buddies!

Sorry about that last post. Pretty brutal, but I just couldn't resist. I wanted to not do it but I couldn't resist. My powers were weak for the preventing doing it, and I seriously just couldn't resist.

But you can all relax now, the mean, stupid post has gone away and in its place is this delicious post. If the old post was a fart, this post is like a happy fart, from the back end of a unicorn. Rainbowy.

Pffft.

LEO: Hey, Marto, let's get down to business.

Ahoy Leonardo! Hark I say! That is a grand idea! Today on the menu I have a poem for you about pizza. If you rearrange the letters in poem, you get mope. That's called this: IRONIC. Poem time!

Blood Meal

I'll have two large pizzas please
With chocolate chips and candied peas
With bamboo shoots and ginseng roots
And chopped and sautéed apple seeds.

Go light on the banana chips
Their hard, sharp edges cut my lips
Blood runs south from my aching mouth
And dangles from my fingertips.

Blood is pouring, gentle loss
Coats my plate, a tepid gloss
The crimson flow on blanched white dough
Mixes with the sauce.

My mouth is filled, a bloody feast
Human juice and tainted yeast
Warm and sour, drained of power
Fills my belly up, my beast.

Trickling poisons from the deep
Drying padding colors seep
Head is falling, darkness calling
Eyes fall closed and into sleep.

---

Whap, hope you liked it. In the words of this guy:

'Mmm, I love turtles!'

------------------------

LOL ADMIN>

secret bloggy-man

2006-02-03T14:53:00.000-05:00

Hi Blogs,

I am on here for a secret, because even though I said I wasn't going to blog you I have something important that I want to blog you.

Meow meow. I want to blog you meow meow.

LOL ADMIN>

OUT OF ORDER

2006-01-26T16:42:00.000-05:00

Hey Blugs,

Sorry for the slow-ass posting lately, I have been like this thing here:

A Slow Little Ass

The reason I haven't been around much is that, well, I've been posting on another site. And I think we should take some time apart. Yeah call me what you will, but we both know this hasn't been working. So let's stop pretending and do the grown-up thing, for both of us. And don't say shit about the other site, you haven't even seen it. It's beautiful.

For serious though, I am taking a little hiatus till just after the Olympics (end of Feb.), and when I get back this baby is going to cook. I am going to post about cooking babies. Every day. Yeah you could have thought of it, but you didn't, I did.

So thanks for being patient lately, and if you want to check out the other site you can find it here.

See You Soon Natalies, See You Sooooooooooon......

---------
LOL ADMIN>

Mr. Sensitive

2006-01-12T13:40:00.000-05:00

Blargh! King Kong in 'King Kong' says: "Blaaaargh!"

Today I took a test called 'How Sensitive are You?'. It was a series of questions about all kinds of weird shit, and I guess at the end it would tell you how sensitive you are. I say 'I guess' because I didn't get to the end. I only got to the second question, and if there is one thing life has taught me it is this:

'There is no brass ring for a second place loser'.

It is a good thing I knew this already, otherwise I may have come to be fairly disappointed at not having a payoff at question two.

The reason, however, that I did not get past question two, is that the question sent me adrift in my own imagination and whimsy. They say euphoria is the marrow sucked from the bones of life's great surprises, and suck the bone I did!

Imagine my sweet surprise when I finished up question one ('what is your name?') and looked down at question two, bolded on the crisp page, staring up at me, wet eyes full of wonder:

WHAT DO YOUR NAME?

I felt like I was floating on air. Seriously one of the top five experiences of my life. Probably top three even. Honestly it could even crack into the top two, and may even have a shot at number one.

You know what? Fuck it! It is number one, the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just sat there staring at it, letting it roll around my mind, unravel it's long, prying tentacles into the darkest cavities and recesses of my body.

But to answer? Gad, where to begin. What, in fact, does do my name?

Clothing label makers from my summer camp once did my name. Printed up about 50 of them to attach to every sock and self-addressed envelope packed neatly in my suitcase. But that could not be it, that seems far too simple.

I suppose I could consult a group of interpretive dancers, and they could get all metaphysical and do my name. But that seems all too familiar.

And then it hit me, kind of like that epiphany that Robin Williams has in Good Will Hunting about how Will is just a kid and his mind might be rich with knowledge but he has no experience to back it up.

'What do your name?'.

Of course. So simple, right under my nose the whole time.

In the words of Bill Shakespeare:

'These are the ABC's of me baby!'

I DO ME.
I DO ME.
I DO ME.

LEO: He does him.

I DO ME.

-----------------------

LOL ADMIN>

Happy New Year Mu'F*ckas!

2005-12-31T13:21:00.000-05:00

Helo Blogs, you are all helio blogs.

'Helio' means 'of the earth', and thus, you are all helio blogs.

Deal with it.

Sometimes I see people on the street, and they're all 'yo guy, yo you guuuuy, why didn't you update your weblog?'

But I don't respond, becasue I was saving it. Saving my response I mean. Saving it for now.

LOL ADMIN'S OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO WHY HE HAS NOT BEEN ON BLOG>

My reasons are three-peat.

1. Typing, contrary to popular belief, is hard.

2. It has been a simple matter of resources. For those not aware, resources are things you use to do things. I have been short on these things. These things are:

- Typing skills.

3. Typing, for humans, is not natural. It is not instinct.

END TRANSMISSION>

So, that should take care of that.

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a safe and happy New Year. If you feel like you are drunk, please walk home or take a rickshaw or sleep in a gutter.

Also, I would encourage everyone to use 2006 as an opportunity to be a better person, or no, a better civilian. I, myself, have resolutioned to make several important steps in my life:

1. Learn to type.

The rest are secret resolvers, but i will give you a hint:

----------------------------------

Kisses,
LOL ADMIN>

What's in a Name?

2005-12-12T15:33:00.000-05:00

My nickname in highschool was:

LUNCHBOX

Not for the reason you are assuming, however. I was called lunchbox not because I was big, but rather because I was so small I was once locked in a lunchbox as a practical joke.

What this little story illustrates is that names can sometimes be deceiving, and things are not always as they seem. Sure Refrigerator Perry is huge, and Speedy Claxton is fast, but is Tiki Barber a barber? Let me be the first to tell you that he most certainly is not.

'So what do I do?' you are saying. 'What do I doooooooo? Tell me, tell me what I can doooooooo?' Well fret not my little Blogs, I am here to help. To aid in your understanding of this nonsensical nomenclature I give you:

THE LOL ADMIN'S GUIDE TO NOT GETTING JACKED BY SOME GULLY ASS NAME
- 1ST EDITION

Lesson #1

Appreciate that some people have a delicate relationship with their name, and it can at times become a sore-spot.

EXHIBIT A:

This is Taco Wallace. He is a football player for the Seattle Seahawks. He is clearly not a taco. You can probably imagine that if your name was Taco, and you were not a taco, you probably wouldn't want to talk about it too much.

What can be learned from this? Well, when someone has a funny name, like Taco, or, say, Boobie, it is best not to make fun of them as that could cause pain. And I am talking about emotional pain, the kind that causes scars that you CAN'T see.

What you can do in situations like this is think of all the funny jokes and puns that you would have said to the person and write them down on little pieces of paper. Then give the pieces of paper to a friend and have them call you those names and see how it makes you feel. This will make you a better person on the inside.

Lesson #2

Let's do a quick thought experiment to illustrate this next point.

Say your name is Daniel Ruff. Your middle name is Dennis. You are walking down the street, minding your own business, when someone comes up to you and says: "What's up Dandruff, you punk ass bitch?".

What do you do? Beat this dude's ass? Well hold onto your honkers kids. What you should say to this man is:

"But why?" you say! "Why would I thank a dude for calling me a bitch?"

You are not in fact thanking the dude for calling you a bitch, but rather for making your name into the hilarious pun 'Dandruff'. This pun required thought and creativity to invent, and that should be rewarded, not condemned. If you tell this person to, for example, 'shut their shitty shit-mouth', when is the next time they are likely to do something creative and share it with the world? Probably never. And you just made the world an uglier place. Way do go, Dandruff.

Now I understand that this may seem like a lot of information to take in all at once. To make things a bit simpler I have distilled the lessons into two basic rules.

#1. Be nice to people.
#2. When people are mean to you, be nice back to them.

Enough number twos might even cause a few number ones, and wouldn't that be something.

LOL ADMIN>

Consiglieri

2005-11-25T09:47:00.000-05:00

When you are in the mob, you have a lot of difficult decisions to make. And when you are a king-pin in the mob, sometimes you have so many decisions to make that you can't make them all yourself.

When people find themselves in this sort of situation, they enlist an advisor, or in mob-speak, a 'consiglieri'. I, for example, am Leo's consiglieri. This means that when Leo has an important decision to make (like what to wear, or where to go shopping for clothes) he comes to me, and I use my polished analytical and reasoning skills to figure out Leo's best course of action.

"Wait a minute" you're saying, "You can't be a consiglieri, you're Irish!".

I have two responses to this:

1. I don't appreciate your tone.
2. This guy...

...was Irish, and he seemed to do a pretty good job of it, so can the attitude.

There a lot of important skills you must possess if you want to be an effective consiglieri. The most important of which:

Judgement.

Judgement is the key to making effective decisions. Try answering the questions below to see if your judgement is sharp enough to cut it as a consiglieri.

Question Number One:

You have an appointment at the dentist, but you are nervous. WHAT DO YOU DO!

A: Cancel the appointment.
B: Go to the appointment, but no kissing on the mouth.
C: Confuse the dentist by telling him: "Man, kids these days just don't appreciate the value of a point. Do you remember, back in the 80's, what appointment? Appointment so much back then". Once confused, kick his privates and flee.
D: Reschedule the appointment, for February 29th. Tsssss. Only, the thing is, wait, no wait for it, it's NOT a leap-year! Buuuuuuuuuurn!

Question Number Two:

You are out walking your dog and you come to a rail crossing. The bells are ringing and you can hear a train in the distance. You know you should stay-put but your dog is pulling on the leash and barking that it wants to cross. WHAT DO YOU DO!

A: That is not a dog, it's a cat.
B: The reason you don't know it is a cat is because you are blind and you think it is your seeing eye dog. This is also the reason that you feel a need to put an unusual amount of trust in the 'dog's' desires.
C: Your 'dog' is obviously not barking, it is meowing - like any other cat in the world. Because you have always thought your cat was a dog, you have thought of the sound it makes as a 'bark'. Logically then, you have always though dogs to be cats, and the unusual sound that actual dogs make to be called 'meowing'.
D: If you know your cat to be a dog, and the sound that it makes to be a 'bark', who is to tell you otherwise? Does reality determine our perception of it, or vice-versa?

Question Number Three:

You have to add 7 to 9 and then divide by 2. WHAT DO YOU DO!

A: Do the math, man! Just do it!
B: Do the math, in the bath!
C: M.A.T.H: Man and Trees - Harmony.
D: MATH!

Once you have finished answering all the questions tabulate your score and refer to the chart below to see if you have what it takes to be a consiglieri! The answer to every question was A!

I got them all right! - Congratulations, you have the reasoning skills of a skulking Pheonix! You could tell me what to do any time!

2 for 3! One mistake ain't bad! - Actually it is bad, very bad. In this world you ain't a cat with nine lives, oh no! You are a dog, a dirty dog, and one mistake is all you get. Unless you are owned by the blind person mentioned above, in which case you are still a dirty dog, but they think you are a cat.

1 over 3, that's a fraction! - Yes it is a fraction, very good. Too bad you weren't so clever when you were getting two out of three wrong.

I'm a big zero! - Yes you are, but don't beat yourself up over it. At least you are consistent, and that goes a long way, says a lot about a person's character. And sometimes, in this world, when all the chips are down, and there is no more room for mistakes, a person's character is really all they've got.

LOL Admin.

Slots In The Front

2005-11-04T09:32:00.000-05:00

If Marsha Brady had been named Poker, Jan would have walked around saying "Poker, Poker, Poker!"

Well guess what folks:

I am Jan Brady.

I play a lot of poker, and when I am not playing poker I can be found thinking about poker, reading about poker, or writing acrostic poetry about poker.

P - Pair
O - Of
K - Kings?
E - Earning
R - Royalties.

So yeah, I guess it is pretty clear that I know a lot about poker. It is also becoming rather obvious that you know very little about poker. So today I decided to chip in, and lend you a hand. If we were playing right now, that last sentence was a full house.

First things first, when you are playing poker you don't want to give away what you have in your hand by doing things like:

Laughing

Crying

Or...

Showing people your cards.

All of these things will tip your opponents off as to what cards you have, and you will probably lose the hand. Except, ironically, that last dude who had four sevens, as that is pretty much impossible to beat, I think.

Which bring me to my next poker tip: What do I play?

The worst cards you can get dealt in poker are

2/7 Offsuit.

The reason these cards suck the most is because they are the lowest cards you can have that don't give you a chance at a straight or flush. This is a hand you would want to fold, unless of course you are playing a round of "Texas Worsties", in which case you go all in.

On the other hand, the best cards you can be dealt are:

Pocket Aces.

Also known as Pocket Rockets, Bullets, or American Airlines. If you see this hand you have two jobs:

Job Number One:

Don't Freak Out.

Too many people forget this rule and act like rookies when they get these cards. You gotta stay cool and collected. Try whistling, or making way too much eye contact. You could also try saying some cool shit like:

"Daddy needs to purchase some new shoes"

OR

"Luck be a lady tonight"

That should throw up a sufficient smoke-screen, so we move onto...

Job Number Two:

Go All In

While you do this, it is again important to say something cool, such as:

"Ride or die, bitches"

OR

"Looks like somebody's taking the bus home"

You can also do cool things while pushing in all your chips, to further intimidate. Some of my current faves are:

The No-Look

The Hand Jive

and...

The Cheat

That should get you where you need to go, and if it doesn't, try reading it again. Like I always say "Pore Over Knowledge: Enjoy Rewards".

LOL ADMIN>>

Complications

2005-11-02T11:16:00.000-05:00

"Why you gotta go and make things so complicated?"
- Avril Lavigne.

Life is, indeed, complicated. From the difficult equations presented by a challenging chemistry riddle, to the complex twists and turns performed by a professional diver. Life, at times, seems nothing if not complicated.

Complicated.

Again, complicated.

It seems people spend a lot of time observing this quality in the world, often saying things like:

"This thing is very complicated".

OR

"Why does this have to be so hard?"

And while these are legitimate statements, they are focusing on the negative, and thus produce negative results. For more positve results, people should be saying things like:

"That man's physique is incredible"

OR

"That potion could probably have some beneficial effects on a man's physique"

Another problem I see alot of is people commenting that things are confusing. For example, someone makes a joke like:

Q: What did Brady tell his lady?
A: I'll a view. Whoah man, he's Ed.

And when they finish, someone close-by says something like:

"That joke was confusing"

WRONG! Just because you are feeling confused doesn't mean that the joke wasn't funny, or that the joke was confusing. You were probably confused by something earlier in the day, never got over it, and now you are taking it out on this perfectly good and funny joke. So think back, back, back:

What did you have for breakfast?

Was it confusing?

What song is in your head?

Does it make you feel confused?

Did you remember to close the window?

You seem confused.

Don't make it the jokes fault, cause the joke did nothing wrong.

Q: What did Brady tell his lady?
A: "I love you woman" he said.

Oh What A Night!

2005-10-21T09:24:00.000-04:00

So I was at the

show last weekend, sitting next to a

and at the break dude gets down on his little knees and starts

So I'm all "what are you doing?"

and he's all "I'm

한국어:

"

so then I'm all "why are you so into

and he goes "I don't know why, but it gives me

WELL, DO YOU?

2005-10-13T16:19:00.000-04:00

DO YOU THINK I'M THIS?

CAUSE I THINK YOU'RE THIS!

Bloggers in a Dangerous Time

2005-10-13T09:30:00.000-04:00

Q: If Leo was on American Idol, what would they call his fans?

A: Leo-Tards!

Welcome back to the LDFH. As STAIND would say, "It's been a while". Today I'm going to throw down some fresh blog lingo, or blingo as it's called. All the kids are kicking it, so I thought I should get you up to speed (or should I say hi-speed DSL! Wheeeee!)

Item #1.

Bloggerati: n. The bloggerati is a group of super-elite blog-snobs (or blobs)who dominate the blogging landscape. Some members of the Bloggerati are:

Me
Antonio Esfandiari
Tyler Hayden

Item #2.

Yule Blog: 1. A blog celebrating Christmas. Often enjoyed with Egg-Blog. 2. A blog celebrating Yul Brynner.

Examples include:

The Christmas Blog
BaldHeadShine.com
Yul Brynner: Hollywood's Russian Pharaoh

Item #3.

Geeblography: The notion that the world exists only as a series of interconnected blogs, with no substance outside of said blogs. An incorrect view. OR IS IT???????

Item #4.

Blogunka-dunk: A large, round blog favored by hardcore bloggers. Often appearing in blog videos.

Item #5.

Blogonese: A blog topping for all your pasta needs. A typical recipe would look like this:

Ingredients
- 4 boiled tomatoes
- 1 pinch of salt
- 3/4 of a pound of ground lamb
- A blog

1. Cut up the tomatoes and the blog.
2. Mix them in a pan with the salt and the lamb.
3. Heat the pan.
4. Let sit 8-10 minutes to cool.
5. Serve and enjoy!

LOL Admin.

The Reunion

2005-10-04T09:38:00.000-04:00

Dear Mr. Butterfly,

I was so happy to hear the news of your new baby daughter. May she bring you all the joy in the world. My heartfelt congratulations to yourself and Janine for reaching this exciting stage in both your lives. Isn't it amazing that you have started a family? While you do not share my objectivity on the matter, I would hope you can take the time to step back and marvel at your own accomplishments from time to time, as they truly are magnificent.

I am doing quite well for myself, all things considered. The dish-washing business is still rolling along, though my bad back went out at the end of the summer, and I have been forced to wash all the dishes in the bathtub with me each night as I soak it. My work hasn’t suffered, though the bleach is doing a number on my skin. Dr. Morris says my back should straighten itself over the next three weeks or so, and it will be nice to get back to normal. Business has actually been surprisingly good for the late fall, up 10% from this time last year. I was forced to let Dennis (the delivery driver) go in early September, which was harder than I thought, though has turned out to be a real blessing in disguise. He was late for deliveries and pick-ups, and was breaking our best wineglasses like it was going out of style. The new guy, French is his name, has been a god-send. Punctual as all get-out, and extremely conscientious with his packing. Sometimes the hard decisions are the right ones, I guess.

Are you getting excited for the big reunion coming up? I sure am. It will be so great to see all the old boys from the mill again. Will you be bringing the whole Butterfly brood? I haven't seen Janine since just before she went into the hospital for the second time. I remember how worried we all were for her, and for you too. Such a difficult thing to go through with someone you love so dearly, but again thank goodness for small miracles. She almost didn’t go through with the procedure and now, three operations later, she has no stomach and is as fit as a fiddle! Who ever could have imagined. Frank Jessup even told me she was running marathons now, and while I understand that Frank is a liar, the fact that he would think to lie about such a thing is a real compliment in itself.

And I guess your little one will be almost a year old by the time the reunion rolls around. Would she be walking by then? Perhaps speaking language even? You must forgive me if I am out of touch with these matters, as I have only met a handful of children in my life. In any case, I am sure that with the intelligent genes of both yourself and Janine your daughter will be speaking at the youngest age possible. I have also heard some doctors say that the most important things we say aren’t said with words at all, so perhaps we should not place too much emphasis on such matters.

I was thinking the other day about the last time I saw you - no less than eight years ago last month - and it never fails to bring a smile to my face. As I recall it must have been one of the sunniest days that fall, if not that whole year, though of course the mind has a tendency to paint memories the colors the heart wants to see. The leaves in the grove next to the mill had changed a million shades of orange and the smell of fresh cut lumber drifted through on a brisk fall breeze.

George and I were sitting at the picnic tables around back, and you came ambling around the corner wearing that wooden hat you had made. You sat down next to George and said (I remember this like it was yesterday):

“Hello George, how’s Tina?”

…and George said, “Well just great thank you”. “That’s great” you said “and how about little Jasper? He get over that flu yet?”. “Well yes he did in fact, thank you for asking” said George, noticeably quite flattered that you had cared to inquire.

The next twenty minutes are a blur, as you inquired about my folks, by name, and then one-by-one inquired on the well being of every family member of every employee at the mill, all 190 of us (even grumpy old Jenkins in shipping), as a crowd gathered around us, there on the shaded grove. It was nothing short of awe-inspiring Mr. Butterfly. Such a clear and rich understanding of the lives of those around you, truly remarkable. It was the first time we all realized how much different you are from us, how special you really are. You left us just a couple weeks after that, and we all understood it when you did.

And look at me rambling again! I do apologize Mr. Butterfly. I get so caught up, though I know you must have heard that story from enough angles to make yourself an octagon. I just hope you haven’t forgot how much it meant to us all, and how proud we were for you. That was the day I knew you were bound for great things Mr. Butterfly, and you certainly haven’t disappointed in that department.

I will look forward to seeing you at the reunion next year. Give my best to Janine and the little one, and God bless you and your growing family.

Sincerely, your friend,
Trevor Bee.

Gon' Cut Cha' Toes Off

2005-09-22T11:50:00.000-04:00

BLOG. IT.
BLOG. IT?
THINK OF. A THING.
AND BLOG. IT!

Did you ever saw a bone saw?

It looks like this:

And did you ever saw a bunion?

It looks like this:

(That is not actually a bunion. It is a statue of Paul Bunyan. Bunions aren't much fun to look at).

I have one of those two things. And a man named Doctor West has the other. And on November 15th the two are going to get together, and then Dr. West will have both, and I will have none! Unless Dr. West gives me a souvenir bone saw.

I will then have 2 to 6 weeks of recovery time. I will have to wear one of these:

and shower like this:

But most importantly, I will have lots and lots of time to kill. I will probably burn the first couple of days playing Breath of Fire 2
on Game Boy, but once that is wrapped up I will be locked in a constant battle with boredom, hanging onto my sanity by only the thinnest of threads.

DAY FIVE: After teaching myself to cook, I will be sick to my stomach from eating so much asparagus and mascarpone risotto.

DAY EIGHT: My self-titled work of post-apocalyptic semi-biographical flash-fiction will hit stores, causing shock and repulsion nation-wide. I will call it: MARTIN FLANAGAN.

DAY FOURTEEN: I will knit a rope.

DAY SEVENTEEN: Terrified of my own shadow, I will wrap myself in Christmas lights and sleep in the bathtub.

DAY TWENTY SIX: Rewatch "Dog Park" and notice subtleties I hadn't previously picked up. Edit my rewrite accordingly.

And on the THIRTIETH DAY I will return to the real world, changed forever by my orthopedic odyssey. Some will say I grew a beard, while others will call it a moustache. Kids will say I am frightening, mothers will find me attractive. Dogs will sneer and cats will cheer as I run and jump and slide and glide. Higher and faster and bigger and better and further than ever before!

LOL ADMIN>>

THAT's Funny

2005-09-12T16:36:00.000-04:00

Rondell Sheridan is the host of the home-video show "That's Funny", and he does not, for one second, fuck around. If your tape is funny, he's all "that's funny, welcome to the show". If it's not? He's like "try AFV, cause your shit is NOT FUNNY".

- Hey Ron, what do you think of this?

Ron: That's Funny!

- Alright, how about this?

Ron: That man is embarrassing himself.

A lot of people think he is kind of a prick for being so honest, but that's the thing about Rondell: you can't hate cause he's just telling it like it is. Your tape isn't funny? Don't be a bitch about it, just grow a sense of humor and film your kids doing some shit that IS funny and get back to me, you know?

- Like this:

Ron: That's Funny!

- How about this?

Ron: Why yes, that too is funny!

- And this little guy?

Ron: You disgust me.

Fair enough Rondell. Thanks for keeping it real.

LOL ADMIN>>

The Bread Man

2005-09-09T09:33:00.000-04:00

Have you met the bread man?
He’s tall and round.
His eyes are bagels
and his heart is a Danish.

(His buns are rolls
And his rolls are buns)

Bread Man is made of bread.
His feet are scuffed rye,
his hands calloused French sticks.
His mouth is a delicate croissant
that turns downwards when
things aren’t going so good.

Bread Man is bread
baked up fluffy and warm.
Can’t be doughy in the middle
when you are a bread man.
His skin cracks and crumbles
and mold spots mottle his pumpernickel scalp.

His (Danish) heart pumps flax and wheat
out to his longest extremities.
His wide loaf chest heaves in and out.
He tires easily,
lately,
but never quits-
baking more bread and more bread.

I'M SORRY!

2005-09-02T16:04:00.000-04:00

Are you sick of getting lyrically thrashed by a nasty diss? So was I bitches!

I ALWAYS used to get dissed until I started busting out what I like to call “Backums” (“Come-Backs” backwards. I’m clever, AIGHT!) So check these nutty Backums, and next time some wannabe punk-ass playa gets in your grill - YOU LAY ‘EM OUT! AIGHT!

Diss: Your mother works two jobs cause she is a stupid idiot!
Backum: You’re an idiot you fucking idiot!

That will teach that trifling-ass punk. But if they won’t back down, sometimes you gotta get crazy on they ass:

Diss: Yo, you look like a fucking popsicle kid!
Backum: I’ll ram a popsicle up your fucking privates you punk bitch!

Shhhhhnap! Game tight bitch!

So there is your Backums. KNOW NOT TO GET FUCKED WIT KID!

But while Backums bail you out when you’re getting balled on, you can usually avoid the whole situation by coming in talking some smooth-ass gully shit. Check this:

SOME DUDE: Yo, what up dun dunna?
ME: Whack-A-Dilly-Yo!

“Whack-a-dilly-yo” means “what’s up”, but all fresh-like. I call this type of talk “Snollege” cause it’s like knowledge from the street, that you didn’t learn in college.

Whack-A-Dilly-Yo? Best believe kid! How about another? Hootie hootie hootie hootie hootie hootie hoo!

SOME PUNK: What up kicko?
ME: Pi is 3.14 muthafucka!

Fundamentally sound. Ain’t no punky-booster-ass chicken-ass going to fuck with that type science. REAL!

SNOLLEGE! So now you know how to defend yourself against some chicken-ass busters, and you know how to represent so peeps don’t be thinking they can play with your shit.

But “what if”, you’re saying, “what if I gotta roll on some fools?” Fair enough, sometimes you gotta take the offensive. So here it is, some dangerous firepower for your lyrical arsenal:

RUFF AND RUGGED!

ME: You bitch, your IQ number is the same number as my hat measurement: 7 and 5/8ths of an inch you gully chicken-ass!

Wha! Wha-sheeeee-it! Dude just got lyrically incinerated!
If we were playing Sorry I would be saying sorry right now to the poor sucka on the receiving end of that linguistical nuke. Sorry AIGHT!

SORRY, AIGHT!

Real Life

2005-08-24T12:02:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about what is and isn't real life.

Like, is a steak real life?

Look at that steak, and tell me: is that real life?

Sometimes I can't stop thinking to myself, is a steak real life?

But I can't answer that question, no more than I can answer a question like what is a steak?

I can't think like that. If I do I will never find an answer. So instead, I ask myself, is a steak "worldwide"?

That question proves more manageable. I answer that question with: what is a steak?

I Love These Things

2005-08-18T12:11:00.000-04:00

Blog-YeaH!

I hope I am not taking my last post about K-Pax down too early. I hope everyone had a chance to appreciate its subtle charms. In case you missed it, you can view it by clicking on the link to your left under "previous posts". Or by clicking here. Or by phoning me and I can tell you all about it. Man it was good.

But I digress.

The reason I have blogged you today is to tell you about a few things that are happening in the world right now that I love. That is why I titled the post "I love these things". Sometimes the best solution is the most obvious one. Jesus said that.

Let's get it onnnnn!

#1. Columbia University.

Julie is going there in two weeks to start grad school. Like whoah. I was trying to think of a silly joke to make about hating Columbia because K-PAX was shot there (seriously) but instead I will just say congrats. I'm so proud of you baby.

#2. The Toronto Blue Jays.

Put on your rally caps you wacky blogofucks! We are currently sitting four games out of the wildcard in the AL. We just took the series from the (1st place) Angels and are turing into one of the hottest teams in August. Next up a weekend series in D-12, bring it on Tigers! I Love This Thing!

#3. The Chapters in Bloor West Village.

Jules and I discovered this beauty last Sunday on a walk-about. The front half is a normal bookstore, but walk to the back and you are standing in an old theater space with 40 foot ceilings and a stage area with an exposed brick backdrop. It was incredible. I mean whatever. Bookstores are for nerd-alerts.

#4. Blankets - By Craig Thompson.

I saw this book while I was at the bookstore in BWV. I ordered it off the internets (paid $24 instead of a cover price of $43 - that's why the last name's Bargoonagan) and it showed up yesterday. I just read the first 80 pgs. or so last night (it's almost 600 pgs!) and I am basically freaking out about it. The artwork looks like this:

I Love This Thing!

#5. This Photo.

I think this hot girl-on-girl action speaks for itself. Wait, what's that?

GIRL-ON-GIRL ACTION: Meeeeooooow.

I Love This Thing!

#6. Porcelain Figurines.

Holy shit I Love This Things! Look how cute these little buggers are! That cat in a dress brings back back such fond memories of the Cat-Country. If I had these two little dudes I would probably swallow them. To make them closer to me. ILTT!

#7. Weddings.

Weddings make my heart melt, it drips out of my eyes in the form of tears. I think this about weddings:

Weddings are lovely.
Spring, Summer, Winter and Fall.
The groom has VD.

Love Loves These Things!

***

Tune in for more love next week. When I promise to post a little more often. Because I love you. And I am sorry I called you "blogofucks".

LEO: Nice post Marto.
ME: Thanks dude.
LEO: No, like that post was actually nice. And minimal poop humor and irritating nonsense jokes. Really.
ME: Oh, well thanks I guess.
LEO: It's good.
ME: It's the new me baby.

LOL ADMIN>

Last Night Was Awesome

2005-08-12T12:21:00.000-04:00

Last night I watched a movie called:

Inspector Gadget!

Just kidding! The movie I really saw was:

Godfather III!

Just kidding! The movie I really saw was:

FLATLINERS!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Flintstones!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Crash!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Girl Fight!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Wayne's World 2!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

L'Aviator!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Meal House!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Pet Detective!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Meatballs!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Shrew!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Month Ender!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Parachutes!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Dead Man Walking on Campus!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Courage Fight!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

One Mad Movie!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Anti-Trust!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

John Bla-sushi!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Man at Work!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

The Carefully!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Booster Shot!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Game Face!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Return of the Jackalope!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Benzine!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

Bill Pullman: Unpulled!

Just kidding, the movie I really saw was:

K-Pax!

No seriously, I saw K-Pax.

EASY ANSWERS

2005-08-03T17:30:00.000-04:00

Net-Heads, Net-Heads, Net-Heads.

Greetings Net-Heads!

Mr. Weapon put up some delicious movie reviews today ("Weapon" link to your left) and it inspired me to tell you about a little flick I saw last night called:

THE MOVIE IS CALLED PRIMER!!!

So I don't want to give too much away, but in the movie these two guys invent a:

***WARNING - VERY VERY MILD EARLY-MOVIE SPOILER AHEAD - STOP READING NOW IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE UPPITY TYPES WHO GETS ALL PISSY IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU LIKE EVEN SOME MUNDANE DETAIL ABOUT A MOVIE LIKE WHO DIRECTED IT OR HOW LONG IT IS OR THAT TWO GUYS INVENT A TIME MACHINE IN IT***

TIME MACHINE!!!

I know right! Awesome! Or, as a hacker would say:

011101000110100001100001011101000010000001110000011
011000110111101110100001000000110110001101001011011
100110010100100000011100110110111101110101011011100
110010001110011001000000110001101101111011011110110
110001100101011100100010000001110100011010000110000
101101110001000000111010001101000011001010010000001
100100011010010110011101101001011101000110000101101
100001000000110010101100110011001100110010101100011
011101000111001100100000011010010110111000100000010
011100110000101110010011011100110100101100001

(It's binary babies. Get hip to it.)

So these dudes are not only have the ability to TRANSCEND TIME but they also must deal with some important MORAL DILEMMAS. These moral dilemmas include:

1. What to call the time machine!

A: In the end they backed off Mikey Trasuttimonkol in favor of the more fan-friendly "Rhombus" (geometric shape with no sides or angles).

2. Can you put a time-machine in a time-machine?

A: Yes, but the results are.. tssss, no no wait for it, wait for it... timeless!!?!

3. Can a time-machine be taught to love?

A: Yes, in fact, contrary to popular belief, time machines are based on love.

And finally, perhaps the toughest question of all:

4. What does time travel feel like?

I'm afraid that to this one, there are no easy answers. Right Leo?

LEO: There are no easy answers.

Right Leo?

LEO: There are no easy answers.

Right Leo?

8:27 AM.

One From the Crates

2005-07-26T13:58:00.000-04:00

So I saw Mr. Hennessy last night and he told me that while he enjoys my blogosphere, he wishes I would post more frequently. Fair enough. What Mr. Hennessy did not realize - and what you may not either - is that I actually write alot more posts than I post. These posts get saved as drafts and never see the light of day. I can be fairly selective as to what I deem suitable for the fanhome.

This led to the following comment from my sister:

Rosemary: So you are saying that you are picky about what you post, and yet you still put up that creepy thing about brain-signs two weeks ago?

That is a whole other conversation. The point here is that I have decided to drag one of these old boys out, dust it off, and make you read it.

To set the scene, this post was to be the first one after the change back from "Cat Country" (ironically, the first thing I did post was the Brain-Signs, which I happen to like, so there). It would also have been shortly after my lovely girl-friend Julie fled the country to visit California.

Ready...GO!

Ah, that's better hey? I was getting pretty creeped out by the whole cat thing, it is so nice to be back in the pleasant confines of the LDF. Sort of like sliding on your favorite pair of moccasins, feeling the cool buck-hide against your skin...

Nothing beats a soft moc.

My lovely girlfriend Jules is currently travelling in California. I am lonely, and if you run into me I will probably look like this:

Bummed.

But if she's happy, I'm happy, so I may also look like this:

Chillin'

So while it is hard to say exactly how I will be doing emotionally, it is safe to say that I will (and do) look like Adam Brody.

Ms. G is currently in:

Delicious:

San Francisco!

When finished there she will be heading to:

Provocative:

Lake Tahoe!

Misunderstood:

Los Angeles

and finally:

Vegas Baby,

Vegas!

I am guessing Vegas will be the highlight, as that is where she can spot one of our favorite things: A CELEBRITY!

Celebrities are people who are cool and hot and get talked about in gossip magazines like In Touch and US Weekly. For example:

James Caan is a celebrity.

And also:

Judy Dench is a celebrity.

Some celebrities are so hot they are known by one name. Those super-celebrities include:

Arsenio.

Leo.

and...

Dench.

So Jules, wherever you are at this very moment, I hope you are happy and well, and that the super-celebs are more plentiful than a summers day in Yorkville. See you soon Natalie, see you soon.

LOL Admin.

So there it is, not so bad I guess. And if you thought that one was good, wait till you get a load of Brain-Signs: Redux. It's going to be the biggest thing since cranial-electrode diffusion.

LOL Administrator

2005-07-15T14:04:00.000-04:00

Hello Webizens!

So people are always like "Holy shit guy! What's up with your sweet handle "LOL Administrator?"
And then I'm all: "What do you mean what's up with it?"
And they're like: "What the frick is a LOL!"
And then I laugh and laugh.

So to clear up any confusion, "LOL" is an abbreviation of "Lots of Love", and is used in chat-rooms when someone says something nice or funny and you want to let them know that you love them, like so:

Redgirl04: I hate homework!
FlwrPwr: So do I, and my parents are sooo annoying.
Redgirl04: I know right! We should make your parents do my homework!
FlwrPwr: LOL!

Awesome I know. And I know what you are thinking: "Man, this guy must know a lot about chat-rooms". Well, guess what, I do! The chat-room dance is one of great skill and maneuvering, but if you play your cards right, you may end up with an e-friend before you can say "upload my modem!" Let me walk you through it:

a/s/l

– This is a standard chat-room opener, and stands for: "Age/Sex/Language of Correspondence". It will give you a good idea of who you are chatting with, and if they can understand you.

If all is good so far, you want to move into some personal info, so your chat partner can get to know you a little. These are some of my personal favorites...

MILC
– Man, I Love

HUSBFC?

– "Have you seen Bowling for Columbine?" - Asking questions, always a hot move.

I2ETBSB

– "I too enjoy the Backstreet Boys" - Finding common interests.

Now that you have gotten to know each other a bit, it is time to impress. Flash a few of these puppies and you'll have them eating out of the palm of your cyber-hand:

2WDMAR

- "Two wrongs don't make a right" - Demonstrates wisdom, and wisdom is power.

IHBG

- "I have bad gas" - Don't be ashamed of your body. Learn to love your flaws.

MOCIAGC

– "My other car is a golf club" - Braggadocio. Most often used by witches.

That should pretty much take care of the wooing stage. You may now move in for the kill:

IMGAY

- "Instant Messaging gets annoying, yeah?" - If they bite on the suggestion of another form of "Contact", reel them in with:

UWTGFADS...(OW)

- "You want to go for a drink sometime? (Or whatever) - Forward, but no too forward. A little game I like to call "Hard to get".

And that should do it. They will respond with an "O-YA!" or maybe a "Can we sing the Pollution-Man theme song?" and you are all set.

As for what to do on your actual real-life date? You'll have to look elsewhere for that kind of info. I can't seem to get past the braggadocio stage.

/Thank me l8r. BB4N!

LOL Admin.

WHAT THE SHIT

2005-07-14T09:37:00.000-04:00

Click here for what may be the single most amazing and disturbing page I have ever seen on this wacky world wide web. Not for the faint of heart.

ps - Has everybody in the world already seen this thing? It seems like I am always the last to catch on...

Signs of the Times

2005-07-09T13:48:00.000-04:00

Do you know what the universal sign for choking is?

It's this.

So that's like sign language. But you don't know sign language you say? I beg to differ. What if you don't like someones driving?

Sign Language.

Like someone more than a friend?

Sign Language.

Or say you have a cold?

Sign. Language.

Not only are we communicating with body signs all the time, we are also communicating with other signs that affect the people around us in a myriad of ways.

For instance, studies prove that at least 8 times a day we use:

Brain Signs.

And while we may not even be aware we are doing it, Brain Signs can cause such drastic results as:

Laughter!

And even:

Embarrassment.

Indeed, Brain Signs are something to be mindful of. But even worse than Brain Signs are the dreaded:

Computer Signs.

These are the most insidious of all the signs, and can manifest themselves in anything from:

Your Watch.

to your...

Borrowed Calculator.

I'm sorry I just can't go through with it, I'm stopping there. That has to be the most awful post ever. I actually feel sick to my stomach. Blech.

Happy weekend all, sorry for the yuck-fest!

LOL ADMINISTRATOR.

KITTY CAT CHITTY CHAT

2005-06-29T17:53:00.000-04:00

Howdy pardners, welcome back to Cat Country. Sorry for the lag between posts, but it's hard to concentrate on blogging when your cat is as cute as mine!

C/h/at.

While it may be a dod-eat-dog world out there, it is also a cat-is-cute world! Just last night my cat caught a mouse, only problem is, it was my computer mouse!

Good.

Now, as you may or may not have noticed, you can use the letters in "cat" to spell "act", and boy can they ever!

I once wrote a play and acted it out with my cat Pookie. It went like this:

Me: Fine weather for golf, wouldn't you say Pookie?
Pookie: It most certainly is Marty, what say we shoot a quick nine holes?
Me: I meant fine weather for watching golf!
Pookie: I know Marty, when I said "shoot" I really meant "watch"!
Me and Pookie: (laughing).

Fore!

But cat's are not all fun and games. There is one problem with cats:

A cat will scratch a chair.

But don't get mad, this is just because of a cat's nature. And if they didn't have this nature, they wouldn't be so cute. That's the way I look at it!

Till next time, cat-lovers!

Bauer to the People

2005-06-22T09:39:00.000-04:00

I finished season one of Twenty-Four on Saturday afternoon (while nursing the throat parasite that seems to have overtaken my CNS - that's doc talk, I learned it on ER) and have come to three conclusions:

1. Jack Bauer is the coolest human-being/Dad ever born onto the planet earth. No not cooler than Leo, Leo's not a Dad. Apples and Oranges people.
2. Anyone not watching this show is doing the entertainment equivalent of giving themself a wedgie.
3. If they re-made Speed and put Jack Bauer in the place of Jack Traven (Keanu) it would be far and away the best movie ever made. It would be a lot like On the Waterfront , only better.

In light of these revelations I decided to pitch my own show. It is not totally fleshed out yet, but I am thinking along the lines of a fast-paced, edge of your seat thrill-ride kind of thing. Or maybe more of a white-knuckle nail-biter guaranteed to keep you crawling back for more. In any event, I call it:

The pink symbolizes danger, of course.

I don't mean to be a braggadocio or anything, but Joel Siegel may or may not have called it "The greatest man-made action-drama since The John Larroquette Show".

A few highlights from Season One:

7:15 - Bed

Marty slams the Snooze button. Crime can wait, but for how long?

10:55 - The Couch

Almost time to watch The View. But who is the guest today? The tension is palpable.

3:18 - The big house.

"You bet your ass it was you cute little dude! And don't talk back to me, criminal!"

5:48 - Shoppers Drug Mart

Marty just isn't sold on the merits of 2 in 1 Shampoo and Conditioner.

10:34 - Kitchen

Enjoying some soup. Can't busts crooks on an empty stomach.

12:53 - Dreamland

Marty dreams that it is morning and then wakes up and thinks it is time to fight more crime. Then he looks at the clock: 12:53. What a relief!

I am still working on the theme song. The last version I tried turned out sounding just like the intro to Soap. What can you do, hey Leo?

LEO: Hey.

Improv Olympics

2005-06-15T10:25:00.000-04:00

Hey Blogs!

So tonight is week 1 of my Level B improv class, and I have a feeling it is going to be seriously gnar-gnar.

gnar-gnar. adj.
Incredibly awesome, excessively good

Derived from the term "gnarly".
"Whoa, did you see him hit the tranny with a 720 nose grind, it was gnar-gnar"

There was no class last week, which gave me some extra time to practice my Keanu impression ("I don't caaaaare.. Shit, focus.. I don't caaaaaaaaaare about your crime.. Better"), and I'm ready to knock 'em dead tonight.

And so it B-gins.

The focus of Level B, for those not familiar with the form, is "Blossoming". That is what the "B" stands for. Level Blossoming.

It is the level in which I will evolve into a comic master-force, crushing all in my path with my zesty one-liners and impeccably-timed simulated fart noises.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you pass-da-pasta!
Leo: That's not even a joke.

Daniel Radcliffe: I beg to differ!

And while I am confident about my chances in the pressure-cooker of Level B, it was only by the slimmest of margins that I scraped through the Level A Final Exam.

The Gauntlet

It came down to me vs. the teacher in an all or nothing Prov-Off. He got me good with a "made-up secret-handshake to miming climbing a rope" but I brought down the house with a "talk happy while frowning" followed immediately with the timeless "walking the cat".

Game. Set. Match.

See you in LEVEL B!

B.Brown Fanhome

2005-06-07T18:15:00.000-04:00

Sorry to say that no one correctly answered my little query involving Mosquito Man vs. The FLY. The correct answer is that The FLY would win, and the even more correct answer is that Pollution Man would kick the crunk out of both those fools. Ya heard!

"Don't over-water your lawn, Human!"

So the news of the week is - drumrollllll - the Pistons and Spurs in are in the FINALS! Brought to you by PEPSI! Only on ABC!

Always Be Closing.

Detroit and San Antone are gonna grind it out
Run some half court sets until they find it out:
Who can be more boring and make less mistakes!
Draw more crappy charges and catch a few breaks!
Manage the clock and play not to loooose... IT ALL!
IT'S FINALS BASKETBALL!!

Would it be juvenile if I referred to the teams as the PISS-tones and S-POO-ers?
LEO: Yeah dude, it would.
ME: Shit. (stons).

You also may or may not have noticed some changes to the site, namely the addition of the archives and the removal of the "crying babies" section. I was sorry to see them go, but in the interest of having the site function as a slick, stream-lined, killing machine it was deemed necessary.

I did, however, add something preeeety special to the sidebar, let's see if you can pick it out.

Hint:

Bobby Brown likes the drugs.

Happy Hump-Day!
LOL Administator.

MOSQUITO MANHOME

2005-05-31T10:41:00.000-04:00

So I was watching 106 and Park on the weekend, and their guest was Philadelphia Eagles WR Terrell Owens.

Show me the money.

Terrell boldly stated that his favorite movie of all time is "The Notebook". Well played Terrell, but as awesome as "The Notebook" is, it doesn't hold a candle to my favorite movie:

MOSQUITO MAN!

Mosquito Man can lift ten times his own weight, and has twenty foot wings that can beat so fast that the wind blows your shirt off! He drinks 5 tons of BLOOD. And that's just for breakfast! And he can enter your mind using telekenises to suck blood from your brain and render you:

De-Brained!!!!!

Indeed, you would have to be some kind of idiot to mess around with MOSQUITO MAN.

But, you say, if Mosquito Man is so kick-ass, can he defeat...

Jeff Goldblum?

Discuss/Discourse.

2005-05-23T11:13:00.000-04:00

Weaponized Salad
Oink, this is The Polishweapon borrowing a slab of space to bring you the following

Lubba Subba

Croc Dundee II - Scene 17 Act III

Villian - What's a Donk?

The Salad Army

2005-05-18T17:21:00.000-04:00

friday update

2005-05-13T11:00:00.000-04:00

Hello Blogospheres! Blogosphere is the name for people who read BLOGS! Seeing how you are all reading this BLOG, you are all blogospheres!

So it is Friday, and I felt it was in order to give you an update on a few things near and dear. We shall start with the...

NBA PLAYOFFS UPDATE!!

Western Conference:
Phoenix 1 - Dallas 1
San Antonio 2 - Seattle 1

Good matchups, and suprisingly competitive thusfar...

Eastern Conference:
Detroit 1 - Indy 1
Miami 3 - Wash. 0

Speaking of Miami, Zo' started in Shaq's place last night and went 5 of 8 for 14 pts. 13 rbs. and 4 blocked shots. We traded Vince Carter for Zo', and he played what some are calling the best game of his career for the Heat last night.

Rob Babcock 479,284 - Rap's Fans - 0

...but for those of you who aren't so into hoops, how about an:

IDOL UPDATE!!

My man Bo Bice is still putting the "rock" back in "Amer-ROCKIN' Idol". This week he laid down the theme song to The Apprentice while wearing a black suit, aviators, flip-flops and a diamond-crusted dollar-sign belt buckle. It was the best thing I have ever seen, in my life. Randy responded with: "All I can say is, when your album comes out that song better be on it!"

Like Buttah'

And then Wednesday rolled around and saw Anthony Federov sent packing. Bo Bice is your next American Idol. Believe me, I am never wrong about these things. And no, Leo's Oscar prediction does not count as one of "these things".

Speaking of which...

LEO DICAPRIO UPDATE!!!

Though I don't talk about him so much anymore, Leo is still very much the life-blood of this website. For instance, just this week Leo called me and was like: Mar Flan! Who loves you baby? And I was all: Yo Leo, I gotta respond to your question in rhyming couplets as it's the only way I can properly express myself...

Leo, my friend, you most lovely fellow,
Come to my house, where we can eat Jello,

I'll show you my gameboy, my Playstation 2,
My new bright blue sneakers, my dandruff shampoo,

I'll show you and tell you all about me,
And I'll make you a sandwich: tomato and brie!

Your Favorite! I know! You are one of the greats,
I spend time in chatrooms, researching your tastes!

We'll be having such fun, the time will fly past,
Me and my Leo, together at last.

WORK UPDATE!!

I met a guy from Hong Kong at the office this week, and he told me a story as we looked down on City Hall. He told me about the old Hong-Kong Zoo, which closed about five years ago, and was roughly the size of City Hall's grounds. It resembled a run-down farm, or country fair, more than a zoo, and they really only had two animals of any significance: One was a lion, weathered and flea-bitten, sitting in its tiny cramped cage. It stopped eating properly because it was so unhappy, and so you could see its ribs through its sides, like the backside of corrugated cardboard.

The other animal was, in his words, "a tiny, midget elephant". I laughed at this description, thinking it was a figure of speech. He corrected me, saying that it was an honest to goodness midget elephant, so only children could ride on it because it was so small and weak. And the children would indeed ride it, all day lining up to have a ride on the little elephants back, round and round on its little track, each and every day.

And that was it. The zoo then closed five years back and that was the end. Such a sad story. Kind of reminded me a bit of the Parking Lot Farm. I am not really sure why I am recounting it, I guess I just wish it had a happier ending.

IMPROV UPDATE!!

So every Wednesday I go to improv class from 8 to 10:30. It has been lots of fun so far, but people keep asking me "What did you do at improv?", and I have had a hard time answering. This past week was week five, so I figured I might as well get everyone up to speed:

WEEK 1:

Get to know you type stuff.

WEEK 2:

Intro to Miming.

WEEK 3:

Interpretive dance.

WEEK 4:

Fake laughing.

WEEK 5:

Magic wand.

And coming up next week:

The header.

And that should bring you up to speed on all things Leo and Salad Army. Have a great weekend Blogospheres!!!

LOL Administrator.

page six fanhome

2005-05-06T10:16:00.000-04:00

Just Asking...

Which former Friend and wife of Mr. Smith has found a new way to deal with her heartache. Pals say she has had her nails painted to read "B R A D" on the right, and "P U T Z" on the left, and is showing them to anyone who will look... Which rock-star of the long-shlong variety was spotted shopping in Soho with his precious pooch on the weekend. Employees at DKNY say he marched in and demanded two custom coats, "one for my dog, and one for my dick"... Which Hilton heiress named for a french capital spent Friday night at Bungalow 8, where she gabbed with friends and did some serious spit-swapping with one Dikembe Mutombo... Which chunky spiderman was canoodling with Candace Bergen at the Orioles game on Tuesday. One eyewitness heard him whisper "take me out to the ball game" in Candy's ear before the first pitch. He carried a sign that read Eating Spaghetti Pleases Naguire and shouted "D'oh" after a Sammy Sosa homer... Which husky hunk of Funky Bunch fame peed his pants while in line for the Dave Matthews show last night... Which famous half of now defunct "Bennifer" is changing her name yet again, this time over a lawsuit. The trouble arose when Leonard Brinker of the Jersey Shore Freight Company filed a defamation suit on Friday, claiming her nickname was a rip-off of his long-time handle "Lenny from the Dock".

HATE

2005-05-01T18:16:00.000-04:00

I hate hate.
But hate is what I love to hate.
"Hate-Love" is the closest
thing I've ever felt to love (hate).

Half of hate is "ha!"
But it's not funny.
To hate love like a lover
loves hate.
Hate Love, Ha! Love,
Ha, Lo,
Halo.

THE BICE MAN COMETH

2005-04-28T09:26:00.000-04:00

Last night the nation spoke, and what they said was:
"Hey Maroules, GO HOME!"

Wannabe.

The irony of Maroulis' downfall was that he tanked it on Tuesday by singing my karaoke staple: How You Remind Me by the great:

While I applaud his song selection, he did a pretty poor job of it, completely forgetting to do the thumbs-up/finger wagging actions in the "yeah, yeah, yeah...oh no" part. And at this stage of the game, when the stakes are this high and all the chips are down, one mistake can cost you.....

EVERYTHING!

So boo-hoo for the Maroulis fans, and "Bo! Woo!" for the Bice-Brats (that is what the on-line Bice community refer to themselves/ourselves as). The nation is waking up to the rocking ways of the Biceman, and ain't nobody going to get in his way!

Not Anthony Federov, or Carrie Underwood. And definitely not Scott Savol:

He looks like a teddy-bear, the fans love him, but guess what?

I got arrested!

So that's it, Bo is a lock for the finals. Is it going to be easy? Yes it is. Is it going to take hard work? Some, probably.

And is it going to ROCK? You can bet your sweet ass!

Rock on Biceman, rock on.

Parking-Lot Farm

2005-04-20T15:14:00.000-04:00

They are building a farm in the parking-lot behind my apartment building. They are bringing in chickens and cows and piggies. There will be hens and roosters snuggled up in the hen-house: "Coo coo" they will shout! "Coo coo" at the crack of dawn to wake the sleeping residents!

The bunnies will till the fields and dust the crops while the chickens pick gravel and bits of broken glass from their webbed toes. The resilient owl will harvest the wheat as the goats and horses bray and chew weeds from the cracked pavement. The softs scents of baking bread will rise from the chimney of the badgers shed, as he readies himself for the roadside sale. "Hello" he will shout, his window ajar, "hello and come to the sale".

The sad pigs will suckle the spewing exhaust pipe from my landlords car, thinking it is the teat of their mama. The sun will rise and set on the farm, with the busy workers ploughing and working long into the night to keep their fledgling enterprise afloat. Everyone working together. Everyone doing their part, even me.

BO BICE FANHOME

2005-04-13T09:16:00.000-04:00

There are two guys on this year's American Idol who have come to be referred to as "THE ROCKERS". One guy is called Constantine Maroulis, and looks like this:

HeartThrob.

Believe me, I know, but the even more awesome part is that the OTHER guy's actual name is BO BICE, and Bo Bice looks like this:

Rocker.

Some of the awesome things that BO BICE can do:

1. When he sings he carries the whole mic-stand around the stage with him like he doesn't know it's detachable, and wears wicked outfits that look like they were torn off the front steps of Jarvis circa 1995:

2. When they were told the theme for week two was "Songs from the 70's" Bo chimed in with "Can they be rock?". Seacrest understood, a rocker needs to rock.

3. Even Cowell likes this dude. After rocking Jim Croce's Time in a Bottle Cowell said Bo is the only one that doesn't feel like a contestant. And that Simon can be a real cantankerous crank!

4. Among the other songs Bo has rocked, my faves would have to be Spinning Wheel, Drift Away, and Whipping Post. He brought the house down last night with a roaring rendition of Freebird, to which a drunken Paula Abdul responded "Bo, you are in this to win it. You could have a hit with that song".

Could be a hit.

So the only question remaining is... which rocker will rock his way into the finals:

Constantine or Bo?

The popular vote is Maroulis, but my money's on Bice.

Then again I still have a closet full of Justin Guarini T-shirts and that "Claymate of the Year" tatoo on my back, so who knows...

AI4E!

Since You've Been Gone

2005-04-07T11:09:00.000-04:00

Hey Gang!

Guess Who's Back!
Back Again!
Bloggie's Back!
Tell Your Friends!

I missed you. I say I missed you like this: RST-VW (pronounced "wrist-voo"). It sounds like a dog saying "missed you" and it is a delicious little word game! YUM/YUP!

I am sorry to have left all of you netizens hanging while I was sleeping at the wheel, with that stupid LEO-GEO Bad Dudes picture to stare at. It has been a weird* couple of weeks (it has been a month) since I bloggered - with this changing weather, day-light savings and all the rest - but you can take comfort in the fact that while i haven't actually written anything on my blog I have thought about blogging several times. Among the considered blog ideas that were tossed out like a dirty adult diaper were:

- changing the whole blog theme to a Kelly Clarkson Fanhome, with all kinds of bells and whistles (see: photoshopped pictures of K.C holding hands with Leo, a symbolic passing of the torch).

- a report with pictures of my snowboarding trip with Jules, which was excellent. In the end I decided to keep the fond memories to myself. No offense to you guys, but there just wasn't much Leo talk on the trip.

- a copy of the angry letter I wrote to CNN last week chastising them for listing an "Exotic SI Swimsuit Gallery" as a sports headline every fricking day for the past two months. There are room for two headlines and one of them every day is a swimsuit gallery. Today the headlines are: • Rain delays Masters start and • Exotic SI Swimsuit Gallery: Venus Williams. Shameless.

- the life story of our buddy Terrence - from details of his wild younger days to the real reason he is not getting his Tracks newsletter or E-News announcement. there would be a Q and A with the man himself, and an in-depth analysis of how he got to be so insanely fucking cute/bummed out.

- one that i actually wrote out part of that was mostly about how fricking awesome R.V's are that followed into outlining the awesome ways that I would deliver mail if I was a postman (as I don't dig dogs). The ways included: tank, t-shirt launcher from raps games, mind teleportation, brontosaurus. etc.

- responding to the one lonely question I got in response to my open season on all Leo related inquiries. I am sorry to "Pat" for not filling you in, though I promise to in future installments.

So as you can see, the ideas have been there, it is just the effort that has been amiss.

WHATS THAT TERRENCE?

T: So with all those discarded ideas, you must have something pretty special for us today?

M: Well Terrence, that kind of depends on whether or not you think A LEONARDO DICAPRIO WORD SEARCH IS SPECIAL! Holy shit is right little T, you can do the search on the screen, or print that mother off for hours of Leo bliss...

SOMEONE: Hey Marto..

ME: Uh, yeah, who's there?

LEO: It's me, Leo..

ME: Oh hey Leo, what's up?

LEO: I love you.

ME: I know Leo, I know.

Leo Fanhome Word Search

ELPANETWPVIAEBRRIDERRTNOB

RREEATEEAHITMETAEIWTSEBET

DMODNNAWAMEDOSEEGNNSRUOEE

RIEEEVVIRLLGEVRAGAAONIPTE

NAIPCTIATPBKAPIHEDRSELREC

AIAASDRRBUNABSADOTNAIOEAR

BRVRETGAOMNAHOERHTREBREDN

GOSLEPCNONPPOCSITABERVIOS

REDHHTAPSEMIAMACMEVSBETER

NOMIGEEONACETINEAADGDLNNL

TNPOAOEHERPINANTBRTGOAIIW

AOOASRSBEREOSTOSEBENDPNGA

TNRINDILECDCSSEISSIIRNRAB

CSMDENNEERTAGLLNCEEBAAWBA

USWSIOGASITEGETEOTHTAEORK

ERLAECAGHSLTBOVAEOLAHNITO

BNIEEAADRLTVEBARNRAIEEHDI

RTIAAEAPAOBGELRLPGHABARLE

CSEBTEABRMWSAEEAEOBNIAMIA

TIHENETHSININOOWALOLNDOVL

RRDBOEIROAOCNEEGERAOTSIWP

RPDIKMNNTTEANGSKDNEHOAOSL

BUESNLEKTRTNABNIDLNLTTRAH

ENANADADRNIIRMDOATEOERNTE

ABATSDOWSLCIEEVRESRGGLGRS

WORD LIST:

- Leonardo -Gilbert -Grape -Hottie -Dicaprio -Beach -Aviator -Departed -Basketball -Diaries ---Boneable -Handsome -Terrence -Environment -Oscar -Snub -RSTVW -Thailand -Growing ----Pains

*weird doesn't follow the i before e rule, isn't that weird? That's how I remember how to spell "weird".

A Little Q & A

2005-03-10T09:46:00.000-05:00

Q - What's your favorite video game system?
A- I would have to say LEO-GEO!

So, Leo-Heads, today I thought I would do a little Q&A and answer some of (one) of your Leo based inquiries. I found the following message in the comments of my last post:

Leo was offered the lead in the Ring twO, however he turned it down to do the Aviator. Do you think he would have been number one in Oscar town if he had made better choices? discuss.dcoy 03.09.05 - 8:10 pm #

And then I was like:

first of all, this is the first i have heard of leo having any involvement in ringu 2, and quite frankly i am apalled that they would even have the nerve to ask him. leo doesnt make movies like that, he is too cool, so in this one instance i would say no, it certainly would not have made a difference (not a positive one). overall though, your question becomes much more interesting. leo has also said that he wishes he had taken the lead in boogie nights (which he was offered) over titanic. this would have made a world of difference on his career path, as he would have been viewed as an actor rather than a pretty face for those 5 ridiculous years between titanic and catch me. the diggler role, while not in my favorite movie, afforded wahlberg the freedom to do pretty much whatever the shit he wants ever since, even though he is MUCH prettier than he is a good actor (he was an underwear model). so in short, the answer is yes, i suppose different choices would have brought leo down a different path, though hindsight is 20/20, and for where he was five years ago he is doing brilliantly. titanic, for a lesser actor, could have been total career suicide, and yet for leo it has proven to be more proof that he can literally do it all, something you could never say about marky mark. leo is by far the most bankable actor in the world, and he is arguably also the best. not bad for a guy who is just entering his thirties.

thank you for your question dcoy, and keep on truckin!

And there we have it! Wasn't that fun?

In fact, I would like to open the message box below to any Leo-based inquiries and discussion that you, my loyal Leolites, may have. I will then cull from the answers my favorite/most delicious Leo-based inquiries and respond to them in future posts! This is going to be awesome, like a Leo discussion forum, or a newsgroup!

The discussion board is OPEN!

Meet Tasha

2005-03-03T11:53:00.000-05:00

Please wait for an online sales representative to respond. You are currently 1 in line out of 1 people.
Welcome to bell.ca! You are chatting with 'Tasha' and I will be your online sales representative! To assist you, may I please have your name and residential phone number with area code?

you: i have a question about my cell phone billing, i was actually hoping to find a contact telephone number...
you: for someone at bell
Tasha: Sure, you can reach Bell Mobility at 1 800 667 0123 ,
Tasha: or by dialing *611 from your cell phone.
you: thank you kindly tasha
Tasha: You're welcome! While you're here,
Tasha: do you have a residential line with Bell you'd like to go over?
you: no, not at the moment...
Tasha: Okay no problem.
Tasha: Is there anything else I can do for you today?
you: no that's all, thanks again...
you: tasha
Tasha: You're welcome. Thanks for visiting Bell.ca, please visit us again soon!
you: actually...
Tasha: Yes?
you: where does a vegetarian wear their toe ring?
Tasha: I'm thinking....
Tasha: I give up, where?
you: on their to-fu!
Tasha: hahaha
Tasha: That's cute!
Tasha: Thanks for the laugh :-)
you: any time, have a great day
Tasha: You too!

Ray, Eh?

2005-03-01T17:06:00.000-05:00

Leonardo Dicaprio

The Departed (2006)
The Aviator (2004)
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
Gangs of New York (2002)
Don's Plum (2001
The Beach (2000)
Celebrity (1998)
The Man in the Iron Mask (1998)
Titanic (1997)
Marvin's Room (1996)
Romeo + Juliet (1996)
Total Eclipse (1995)
The Basketball Diaries (1995)

Jamie Foxx

Ray (2004/I)
Collateral (2004)
Breakin' All the Rules (2004)
Redemption: The Stan Tookie Williams Story (2004)
Shade (2003)
Ali (2001)
Date from Hell (2001)
Bait (2000)
Any Given Sunday (1999)
Held Up (1999)
The Players Club (1998/I)
Booty Call (1997)
"The Jamie Foxx Show" (1996)
The Great White Hype (1996)
The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996)
"C-Bear and Jamal" (1996)

-----------------------------------

I can't even verbalize right now, i'll have to update later in the week. I mean, the guy played "Bunz" in Booty Call! Shouldn't that eliminate you from Oscar consideration for, i dont know, your career?

i feel like this:

sad.

One Last Word

2005-02-25T16:17:00.000-05:00

As we enter Oscar weekend the buzz is that Jamie Foxx is looking like a lock for Best Actor on Sunday. What a sad day it would be if the second best comic to come from the great insititution that was Living Color beats Leo for the statuette. What am I saying? Bite my turbulent tongue! I don't know what came over me to speak so darkly, so pessimistically about my Leo. Aargh! That was so not like me! Not fetch at all. Of course Leo is going to win, the stars are aligned! The O.C finally got itself back on track last night, Shaq's knee injury ain't so bad, and i think I actually bought the coolest shoes ever made at lunch today:

Believe it.

So everything's coming up roses! Leo can't miss! So stop all the playa hating and keep your fingers crossed on Sunday, when Leo will become, truly, the King of the World!

Out to Lunch

2005-02-25T10:37:00.000-05:00

Yo man you're out to lunch
because your bum bum's out to lunch
you're out to lunch
like that punk-ass Cap'n crunch
you so crazy
like you totally out to lunch
you hungry? missed brunch?
OUT TO LUNCH!

What's up lunch?
what's up bum-bum?
what's up with your bum-bum?
TOTALLY OUT TO LUNCH!

what's up with your towel's
what's up with your dictionary
what's up with your pictionary
TOTALLY OUT TO LUNCH!

get back down to earth, with yo' crazy bunnsies
get over here and straighten up, you look home-less
TOTALLY OUT TO LUNCH!

10 Things I Hate About Russell Crowe

2005-02-16T15:49:00.000-05:00

New Joke!
Q: Who hates Russell Crowe?
A: Everyone on the earth even the animals and the plants and the molecules!

Jackass.

How is it that Russell Crowe is even famous? Really, if you took a vote of everyone on earth they would all agree on three things:

1. Russell Crowe should not be famous.
2. It is questionable whether or not Russell Crowe should even be alive.
3. Leo Dicaprio should be dipped in gold and covered in diamonds.

And so, blog-heads, I give you my list of 10 Things I Hate About Russell Crowe:

Number 1. He is Australian...

Like this guy...

...and this guy...

...And this guy.

Number 2.

His band, “30 Odd Foot of Grunts”, originally toured under the name “The Singer’s the Guy who Boffed Meg Ryan”.

Number 3.

Believing himself to be “old-school” (on account of his appearance in Cinderella Man) he drives a car with no headlamps.

Number 4.

When someone coughs he says “Robitussin”, and claims he's being 'subversive'.

Number 5.

After taking violin lessons in preparation for his role in “Master and Commander: Far Side of the World” he went on to write 8 songs for his band featuring violin or cello, one of which was named “The Weeping Strings of Catalonia”.

Number 6.

Refers to his dandruff as “God’s breakfast”.

Number 7.

Claims the idea for Major League Baseball’s divisional realignment and wildcard format was his.

Number 8.

Can’t pronounce “pantyhose”, and yet he wears them to bed.

Number 9.

Changed the name of his street in Australia to “Raw Silk Rowe”.

Number 10.

Still tells the “rubber balls and liquor” joke at cocktail parties.

And just for good measure, we'll make it 11:

A turn of your head says
I've met you before,
You say that's not possible
But I could have sworn,
That I asked you the difference
Between sensuous and sexy,
You said “I know who you are”,
That kind of perplexed me.

- 30 Odd Foot of Grunts
“Inside her Eyes”

Boy, me and Leo suuuure hate Russell Crowe, don't we Leo?

LEO: I love you Marty.
ME: I know Leo, I know.

C'mon Baby, Do The Twist!

2005-02-11T14:21:00.000-05:00

Well well. Quite the beating I took over the whole Pauly Shore thing. Fair enough I suppose, Pauly’s subtle genius is obviously not for everyone/stupid people. But you know what is? TONGUE TWISTERS!

I want everyone to have fun with these, but I also want you to be careful. The last thing I would want would be you dudes ending up with a broken tongue and trying to sue the fanhome.

That would not be very “fetch”.

LET'S GET IT ON!

”The detective’s directive’s elective’s defective”.
- the case of the cloned Kleenex. Difficulty: 5/10. Just getting you warmed up.

“Dwayne Wayne’s plain refrain? - No pain, no gain, no mane? Rogaine!”
-Challenging AND inspirational. 7/10.

“Pucker for a bucker sucker puck a licker dicker fucker”
- that one is for adults. Expert adults! 8/10!

“Britney’s shit knee smells like chutney!”
-a little less challenging, though truthful. 6/10.

How about a quick break before we get into the really tough ones?

I like to do this little exercise to loosen up the tongue for some more twisting, say it with me:

“la la loo loo
pee pee poo poo
piss pot piss pot
poo poo poo”

Feel better? More mature? Good, cause now it’s time to get serious…

“Bent and dented residents spent rented cents on repented demented gents”.
-Snap, word to mother! 9/10

“Skittles make little dumpy spittle monkeys grumpy”
-aw shit, I just broke ya cheekbone! 9/10.

And finally:

“Two booze sips on a cruise ship’s crew’s trip. Bar-tip? Parsnip. Tip Jip = Bruised lips ooze drips. Blood Flood Boat Trip!”
-that is a 10/10. if you can actually say that one you might be a serpent.

Have a great weekend everybody! Say “hi” to the tongue-tician for me as he untangles your twisted yap trap!

The Fake Julie

2005-02-03T12:41:00.000-05:00

fake_julie,
originally uploaded by Leonardo Dicaprio.

Check this out! For everyone who has had the pleasure to meet my girlfriend, doen't the chick in the red coat look like her! And the real Julie has a red coat! And she snowboards! I am starting to think Julie may have a secret life as a Abercrombie model. Hmmmmm, secrets...

The Golden Boy - Part II

2005-01-31T18:26:00.000-05:00

A lot of things have changed since I last wrote. I have changed. I changed on Saturday evening. How you ask? The truth is, I am not wholly sure yet, the change being of spirit, mind and soul. I can, however, tell you this much for sure:

FACT: Leo Dicaprio is the single greatest actor of his generation.
FACT: In the Martin Scorcese directed “The Aviator” he has given us not only the performance of his young, and blindingly promising career – but he has also given us, hands down, the performance of the year, male or female.
FACT: The fact that Leo keeps wanting to work with a guy named “Martin” may or may not mean that we are kindred spirits (but it probably does).

American Idol

YOU: Whoah whoah, isn’t that a bit of a strong reaction to the Titanic dude?
ME: No, as a matter of fact, it is most certainly not. Your reference to Titanic indicates that you are having a hard time getting by Leo’s handsome face and seeing him for the actor (and gentleman) that he is. Don’t pigeon-hole him dude, don’t get freaked that he is so good looking and lose sight of his other merits. He is the total package, so just sit back and drink it in. He is really good, and in really good form, and you would be doing yourselves a great disservice to do anything less that watch, enjoy and celebrate his feats.
YOU: But the movie was so loooong, and the part where he got in the accident and burned his hands on the glass of his cockpit seemed sickly comical in the heat of the moment!
ME: True and true. But you don’t start complaining about the quality of champagne if it is served in a Styrofoam cup, do you? Or saying you don’t like Haagen Daaz if it is served on a piece of disgusting pumpkin pie? Or discredit the validity of a third, completely relevant example, just because it is completely unnecessary, as the point was clearly made by the first example? No, No and NO. Leo shines bright, and while the movie as a whole is maybe not the best picture of the year, this does nothing to tarnish Leo’s stellar performance. You could even argue that his performance is even more spectacular on account of it being in a somewhat less than spectacular movie.
YOU: Bullshit! A performance should be viewed in relation to the quality of the movie that it’s in? So Matt Leblanc should win for Ed?
ME: Of course not, that’s just stupid. First of all: Ed was a pile of shit, about a baseball-playing monkey, whereas The Aviator was a very good (almost excellent movie), and well deserving of its Best Picture nomination. All I am saying is that any flaws you can point out with the movie did nothing to tarnish the excellence of Leonardo’s performance. It was, at all times, nothing short of brilliant. And while we are on the topic of the movie content, it is also worth noting that Leo (as discussed with Jules on the way home from the film) signed up for this movie based on the basic premise that it would be, essentially, a movie about how good an actor he is. And he pulled it off in spades! It is the ultimate coup for any actor, let alone the baby faced kid who eight short years ago was thought to be nothing more than a pin-up. It is a truly commendable accomplishment, one that cements an actor in the annals of Hollywood lore, and while I am far from a film scholar, I would question if it has ever been done by an actor so young. While oft attempted, it is a recipe that delivers far fewer Oscars (Tom Hanks – Forrest Gump) than flops (virtually every movie Russell Crowe has ever made ESPECIALLY “A Beautiful Mind” which was, in so many ways, a shitty, bizarro version of “The Aviator”, and still managed to get Crowe a best actor nom).
YOU: Are you finished?
ME: Yes, I suppose I am, why do you ask?
YOU: Because I love Leo now!
ME: Not as much as I do!
YOU: But will he win the Oscar?
ME: He has to.
YOU: But what about Clint Eastwood?
ME: Clint Eastwood is good, but his best days (as an actor) are behind him. He’s geriatric, and you shouldn’t get an Oscar for crying in a movie. Even if you are Clint Eastwood. Leo is too good to ignore. It is the only way.
YOU: Didn’t you call this back in December?
ME: I did. On Dec. 14th in a post titled “The Golden Boy”, I wrote:

"Leo will win the Golden Globe for Best Actor". There I said it. Whew! That wasn't too bad. Alright why not? "Leo is going to win a fricking Oscar!" Whoah man that felt good. Just imagine L.D standing in front of the assembled masses: the live crowd, A-Listers and starlets abound; the betting types, sitting with their Oscar pool money on the table, cursing themselves for picking Paul Giamatti; all unified in their love and appreciation for Leo, the murmers, then the whispers giving way to a low rumble, and if you turn your T.V up and lean in real close you can start to make out the words, sinking together into a slow, loving chant, "we're sorry Leo, we were wrong to doubt you and make fun, we are stupid, stupid people Leo". Perfection.

YOU: How are you holding up now that it is all so close to becoming a reality?
ME: I am just fine thank you, cool as a fan. I think Oprah put it best when she said:

“Go get your Oscar, Leo!”

Bran Van 3000

2005-01-22T19:27:00.000-05:00

Yo Blogfans!
It has been a while since i blogged, i feel drained, lifeless. I am currently in scenic:

VANCOUVER CANADA!

Last week i was in:
ALGARY ALBERTA! and

(drumroll.....)

EDMONTON!!!

next week i am going to:

TULSA!

historic:

Albuquerque!

before wrapping the week in:

scientific:

DOLPHINICA!

my tummy is still somewhat rotten from the 30 pounds of beef i ingested in Alberta. They really do, as they say, "bring the beef in the 'Berta". They always say that.

In other news, I saw "Fighter Pilot" at IMAX today, it was a total thrill. What i learned is: "There is no better job than that of a fighter pilot, and nothing in the world worse than a war". I got moralled good at the IMAX.

The pilot was good, but we missed "Santa vs. The Snowman 3D" by a week. That would have been, "The Real Beef-Ball", as they say.

OTHER THINGS THEY SAY:

"Can't milk a cow without grabbin' a little tit".

True.

"That piss heap is making me thirsy".

Now that's just gross.

I'm going for sushi, i promise my posts won't suck/offend as much as this one once i return to "On-Terrible", get it? (They really do say that).

bb4n - m.u.d (miss you dudes). M.

BLOGGY RHYMEDOWN: THE PREQUEL

2005-01-13T13:05:00.000-05:00

Blog blog blog (sing with me)
it's time to blog,
bloggy bloggy fun time,
it's time to blog!

I can write a blog
about Leo D
and how the Aviator is coming to a theater near me!

I rock out!
Cause I am a punk rock blogger!
fuck blogs, i don't even give a shit
about stupid bloggys
unless they are about how shitty the government is
and then I love those fuckin' balowaaaaaags!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Blog!
Blog who?
Blogreat big bubbles with your Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum!

I can't stop rappin'
when a blog's involved
it's like an unsolved mystery
that's gotta be solved
it's a natural thing
like how the apes evolved
into men and women and birds and dogs and dolphiiiiiiinnnnns.

My freestyle words
are wonderful things
and you better come a runnin
when the dinner bell rings
cause i'm serving bloggy rhymes
like a mockingbird sings.

TWEET, A TWEET
A TWEETY TWEET
TWEET TWEET TWEET
A TWEETY TWEET.

DING, DONG!
Lewis honey, who's at the door?
It's a blog momma, and it's got all kinds of Leo pics on it!
Yeah but does it feature poo-poo jokes?
Yes ma'am, it sure does!
Well then let it in, were having company for dinner!

Yo, one time I had to have a rap battle with a turtlllllllle!
I ripped up that tortoise!

I was like:
"Rap any speed you want TURTLE,
I'm still gonna win this lyrical footrace!"

And he was like:
"I'm harder than the shell on my back,
you must be smokin crack
cause your rhymes are so whack,
and by crack I mean the one at the bottom of your back,
the brown one, beside ya nutsack, below ya dinky,
humans are stinkyyyyyyyyyyy!"

And I was all:
"Fuck that you green skinned amphibian,
you look like Mike Bibby 'n
your skin is dry and crocodilian,
or are you a reptile?
Make up your mind you stupid herbivore!"

And then the groundhog got the crowd to vote and I won!

"While Leonardo was not banished from
the forest, he could never bring himself
to return".

Die Poor Cairo Land!

2005-01-07T16:28:00.000-05:00

It is Weekend Time Again!

WHAM WHAM WHAM..... WEEKEND!

The first news of the day is: This little dude bug to the left has now become a parmanent fixture of the Leo fanhome. He has truly set the bar for funniness to lofty new heights. We shall call him Terrence, and we will imagine him telling us the Leo fact of the day and all will be good in the world.

Moving on, I am going to see the Raps tonight. It will be my second consecutive home game, so I can pretend I am some kind of short-term season tickets holder that for some reason sits in different sections at every game. Lovely. Wait, look at Terrence! Oh hell yeah. You my boy T!

And finally, I have decided to try a three minute slamdown as originaly seen on TOTAOL (RIP). What better way to start the weekend than a little spontaneous Leo literature... Here goes:

Look at luscious Leo lying lovely on the beach. Soft golden locks dusting his gently sloping shoulders. Look at Gisele, spry and graceful! The handle is a boon fair Giselle, your long lovely legs. I can see you now, bounding high through the mist into the arms of your beloved. But why won't you tie the knot you two crazed children? Why won;t you make your love and take your love to a level higher than that of playful youths? Surely two such healthy attractive specimens as yourselves have enjoyed eachother in a physical capacity? Why then can you not share your souls.... What are you doing today young couple, cuter than cute couple? riding on a boat or lounging on the beach even more and more than one could ever hope to lay the responsibilities of life out to dry. basking in a life of love, fawned over by the locals, breeding with the tribesmen? Leo, will you take a lover of a tribesman? will you enjoy the local culture? taste the tastier, more tempestuous fruits of this "island" you have made your home? i suggest you do fair sir, i suggest you spread your legs and arms and soul and embrace your new tribal instincts and do the noble thing sir, you know the meaning of nobility do you not gisele? then let Leo walk his path, straight to the arms of the besotted chieftain that hungers for your leo and watch as he slakes the cravings of one man, one island, and one lifetimee.

3:34 - though i had to stop the timer for a moment when i got a phone call, so that is somewhat "estimated". It is also fair to say that i somewhat want to "erase it", though I suppose that would defeat the purpose. Anyway, have a great weekend, and don't get bit by that flu-bug that's going around!!!

What me worry?

DREAM WHALE

2005-01-05T13:58:00.000-05:00

THIS JUST IN...

Whales make me feel like: INSPIRED!

I - Ingesting
N - Nutty
S - Squirrel
P - Poops
I - In
R - Rosedale
E - Every
D - Day

(what do you think little man?)

I hear you.

A Very Simpson Christmas

2004-12-23T14:01:00.000-05:00

Season's Greetings!

Hope everybody has finished their Christmas shopping and is ready to kick back and enjoy the festive season, eggnog in hand, crackling fire, the jolly sound of old St. Nick stomping around the snowy rooftops! What a time of year! But you know what happens if you don't finish your Christmas shopping? Yes, that's right! Santa eats your heart! Bummer!

Moving on, I was shopping for some CD's today, and I picked up the new Ashlee Simpson record. It is burning up the charts and I just had to see what all the fuss was about. Well my goodness was I in for a shock! This Ashlee is not the sweet little sister of the moralistic starlet I like to call "Jesse Essy". I guess I was a little naive, thinking the old addage "sex sells" could be put on hold, at least through the holidays. Apparently not. I have transcribed some of her lyrics below so you can see for yourself, prepare to be mortified:

------------------------------------------------

"Pieces Of Me"

On a Monday, I am horny
Tuesday, I am horny
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness makes me horny
Cause you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, poosay, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy it's your mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
When you hit that bottom
Crash! you're all I have

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way ass feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

On a Monday, I am horny
And by Tuesday, I am fading into your ass...
So I can dream

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, poosays, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...

----------------------------------------------------

Like, I know right! If Britney is a MILF, that would make Ashlee a TILW - Trollop I'd Like to Wallop! She should be ashamed. And at Christmas time to boot! Singin' about getting her ass whacked on Christmas, boo I say, boo to you Ms. Simpson. What do you think Leo?

'nuff said.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS ALL!

Word Fun

2004-12-17T16:30:00.000-05:00

So this post isn't going to have anything to do with Leo Dicaprio, sorry to disappoint. Instead I though I would go with this new word game I though of just now. Rules below.

1. I pick a letter and then write a sentence.
2. In the sentence, every word starting with that letter signifies the OPPOSITE of what word should be there.
3. Decode for hours of fun and amusement!

For example: "F"

"free cars are fancy and fun."

which would mean:

"Expensive cars are basic and boring."

Get it? I know it wasn't funny, that's why I burned it in the EXAMPLE section.
Try this hilarity on for size...

"L"

"Little ladies with long legs give shitty, uncomfortable hugs!"

ZAP! FUN-E! How about this...

"C"

"so you say you can't stomach cooked hot-dogs? Try chewing dog-shit!"

Yessssss.....

And finally...

"P and H"

"Pretty pimps make for hard hens and horny housewives."

ZING! That last one got a little raunchy! That is if any of this is actually making any sense to anyone! Holla if you hear me!.... (silence)(sound of crickets)(lone tear down the cheek)

The Golden Boy

2004-12-14T10:26:00.000-05:00

Hey Leo Heads!

It has been a busy week folks, what with Leo getting the Golden Globe nod for The Aviator, and his rare appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show! That's a lot of Leo! I almost OD'd!

Now I don't want to jinx anything, but...okay, here goes: "Leo will win the Golden Globe for Best Actor". There I said it. Whew! That wasn't too bad. Alright why not? "Leo is going to win a fricking Oscar!" Whoah man that felt good. Just imagine L.D standing in front of the assembled masses: the live crowd, A-Listers and starlets abound; the betting types, sitting with their Oscar pool money on the table, cursing themselves for picking Paul Giamatti; all unified in their love and appreciation for Leo, the murmers, then the whispers giving way to a low rumble, and if you turn your T.V up and lean in real close you can start to make out the words, sinking together into a slow, loving chant, "we're sorry Leo, we were wrong to doubt you and make fun, we are stupid, stupid people Leo". Perfection.

The one drawback is that a win would launch Leo into the realm of "mainstream-movie-superstardom", and away from the low-key, indie-arthouse type stuff that he has been pursuing for the past few years. What can I say folks, some are meant for greatness!

PS- Due to a late resurgence of the cult idea, I have left the poll so our finalists can scrap it out for first place. Vote now folks, this is Leo's future we are talking about...

SO MUCH FOR ENDURING LOVE

2004-12-08T17:12:00.000-05:00

So, our boy Leo is many things, but one thing he seems NOT to be is the "commitment-type". How appropriate is it that Leo is playing the womanizing Howard Hughes in the upcoming bio-pic The Aviator? It is very appropriate. Very appropriate indeed. Yes.

Leo has, in fact, been linked to more than 20 Hollywood starlets, and he just turned thirty! At this rate I estimate by the time he is 40 he will have boned somewhere between 70 and 90 starlets! That's almost a hundred starlets! HOLY! If you want more info on Leo and his ladies you can get all the goods HERE.

The point of this little ramble is this: It is time for Leo to settle down, so I have put together the little poll you see below (bottom of the page). If everyone could please voice their opinions I will gather all of the data, and compile a theory for what would make Leo happiest in his life. Once complete, I will email my theory to Leo, and all kinds of hilarity will (or will not) ensue. Let's give it a shot!

PS - I am having some trouble formatting this puppy. If you could please give me some feedback in the shoutouts on whether or not the site looks right on your comp I would appreciate it. Love is all around us, M.

FUTURE WORLD

2004-12-08T14:00:00.000-05:00

Check out my new Leo page! New colors and a site meter and shout outs and everaythang cool that exists under the sun! In the coming days and weeks this site will be a beacon of joy and deliciousness to birghten your glum and un-delicious days (should you have any days that are any less than super-lish). Like watch this: LEO DONALD DICAPRIO! See what i did, I made you think of Leo, which in turn made you happy, which in turn made you love me (and Leo).

RAAAR!

2004-12-07T23:35:00.000-05:00

I DID IT! Marvin right, well I just took the beating of a lifetime just to make this site fully functional. But as you well know, I'll do anything for a super fan with Hep C. Fight the good fight! And look for the album with me on the cover ( I do a rap with C-Webb, cool non?! )

2004-12-02T16:17:00.000-05:00

I DID IT!

In the tradition of re-branding stale, crappy old products and making them into slick, delicious, marketable masterpieces I give you:

LEONARDO DICAPRIO FANHOME!

Drop in regularly for all your Leo needs. We'll have up to the minute stats ("Leo Dicaprio ate nine things yesterday"); quotes ("I don't see why I can't have friends of both sexes without wild rumors being circulated. It's crazy.") That one's actually real, and tell me about it Leo!; and of course, excerpts from my very own "The Leo Diaries: Melted by a Heart of Gold".

Can you feel the excitement folks! It's more electrifying than that scene where Leo was crying and asking his momma for junk money in The Basketball Diaries! Welcome to a new, glorious, and totally Dicaprio Day!

2004-11-30T17:23:00.000-05:00

So The Sneeze is having an essay contest, the winner of which wins a wireless router. The catch is that the essay has to be under 100 words. I don't think i have ever had to write such a short essay, and: it, is, tough. I wrote my piece and it was like 130 words over, wha fa? Anyway, below please find my entry:

Mr. Sneezer,

This letter, hereby, is to introduce myself and apply for the position of “Old-Timey Essay Contest Winner”. Please find my resume attached. It clearly states, in no uncertain terms, that I like this thing. More to the point, it clearly illustrates and illuminates the fact that I want this thing. When I say thing I mean router. On that point I will conclude my speech and example-list, and leave you with my name. My name is Martin Flanagan.

Thank you for your time, and have a day,
Martin Flanagan.

Thoughts? Queries? Fart Jokes?

2004-11-25T11:08:00.000-05:00

hey blogfans!

marty here writing you from what i like to call "the bell province" or "land of bells". my rapier wit, as you can see, has not been corroded by the long hours and mucho drink-mouth. jules has joined me for a couple of days, which has been lovely, and, as always, a laugh a minute. for example, just now she said to me: "let's go to cora's for some brekie munchers" and i'm all like: "more like hard-cora's" to which she responded: "hard-cora's begs and achin!" i tell you gang, my BELLY was achin' after that zinger. oh, and so you know, the new "SNAP" is "ZAP". use it early and often, this thing is taking the von-dutch route. must run, looks like i'm back on friday ("frying-pan day"), so i will see you all then.

miss you bunches, marv.

2004-11-19T12:13:00.000-05:00

Britney threw down the following poem on her subscription-only website about her honeymoon with Fenderline. I will withhold comment at this time.

A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin'
She said it was called Turtle Island.

I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress & favorite lipstick.

We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I slept really well, all through the night.

As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are greeting us right at the shore.

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!

Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.

Private dinners, romantic fires
Little piece of heaven, whatever your heart desires.

Friendly "hellos" and never goodbyes
When you're having fun, oh, how time flies!

As we sit and prepare to make our part
I thank you, Turtle Island, with all my heart!

2004-11-09T12:46:00.000-05:00

i smiled at Susan and said:
"buck up Sue, shit,
you look so fucking sad"
but she didn't want to hear it:
"you look so fucking sad". Right.
"i mean, why do you have to take
everything so serious?"
"why can't you even try
to let it go a bit".
"I'll tell you why, fucker,
i'll tell you , i'll tell you,
i'll tell you.."

2004-11-04T12:07:00.000-05:00

Here is a poem that I wrote on the subway this morning:

I'm cutting open my stomach
to see what's inside.
Digging out a bowl of sorts,
carving it out like a pumpkin.
Ribs breaking and scratching
as I burrow deeper,
Dry broken skin
raising up in a soft rounded
edge, hugging the bowl.

Come sit with me, by my side
hold my hand as I weather away.
Grab a scoop and dig with me,
shovel out my shit.
Drench your hands in my warm pink juices.

I'm getting carried/carry me away.

2:48- Not bad for a first go, but certainly a little gross. And I didn't title it, oish!

2004-10-26T10:27:00.000-04:00

Yeah you'd better watch out
if your going to throw that dogshit in the toilet (pollution man)
yeah you'd better watch out
if you are not re-cy-cle-ing! (pollution man)

cause he's going to kick your ass
if you don't shut the water while you brush your teeth (brush your teeth)
and he'll get real pissed off
if you leave a frickin' light on when you goin' to sleeeeeeep!

Cause he's mean, and green, POLLUTION MAN!
A butt-kicking machine, POLLUTION MAN!
But a machine that runs on fossil fuels and fart gas, fart gas, FART GAS...

POLLUTION MAN!

This week on POLLUTION MAN, a strange force is taking over the city. People everywhere are polluting! Pouring coffee on the ground so they don't spill it while driving. Spitting gum and cigarrette butts on the sidewalk and putting candy wrappers on tree-planters!! What is going on in our fine city? What evil force is causing this pollution? This looks like a job for... POLLUTION MAN!

PD: Yo Pollution Man, we gotta stop all this polluting before the city becomes a wasteland of dirty syringes and coffe cups!
PM: You are damn right Pollution Dude, lets get to work!!

TO THE RESCUE!!!!!

PM: Look, the people are all polluting because they forgot that their environment loves them!!!
PD: What are we going to do Pollution Man?
PM: I GOT IT!!! PEOPLE OF EARTH, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION. IF YOU COULD ALL LOOK UP AT THE SUN FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, I THINK YOU WILL REMEMBER SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU ARE FORGETTING!!!

"It's Beautiful!"

PEOPLE: We're sorry pollution man, we forgot that the earth loves us!! Thank you for saving us from pollution!
PM: Don't say sorry, just pick the crap off the ground and stop pollutioning!
PEOPLE: YAAAAAAY!!!

POLLUTION MAN!

2004-10-20T16:20:00.000-04:00

(Time for a sing along)

Blog, Blog, Blog, it's time to Blog. (sing with me...)
Bloggy Bloggy Fun Time, time to Blog.
Here comes a funny, joke about something,
or a really wacky picture that will make you giggle (tee hee hee hee)

(Change of pace)
Bloggiiiiiiing is my only releassssse!
It makes me feel free, free as a bird,
I spread my wings of words, and take fliiiiiiight!

Phrases and sentences like currents of soft warm air (soft warm air)
feeling the nouns and the verbs rushing through my hair! (through my hair)
Why can't i live so free, so free everyday,
as when I'm writing my Blog, I'm Blogging, I'm Blogging awaaaaaaaaaaaay!

(Hip hop extravaganza)
Yo i'm rappin about bloggin'
look at me rap, about bloggin'
look at a map, when your loggin'
so you don't cut down the wrong maple treee.. SNAP.

For me (spoken word)
blogging is like, life maaan,
you gotta make choices, when you blog,
like life,
do you post a joke? or a funny picture?
you decide your own future,
des-tinny, tin drum beat
rhythmic like a heart beat
like a subtle swallow beats, it's wings,
mild, hot, or suicide?

2004-10-06T10:54:00.000-04:00

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

Nov. 22, 1921 - Oct. 05, 2004

2004-09-30T12:37:00.000-04:00

John Kerry was a Swift Boat Captain. He is a National Treasure.

2004-09-22T09:22:00.000-04:00

Ben is Confused: Bennifer Loparnerflek.

2004-09-14T17:21:00.000-04:00

Marty loves the Movies

In honor of the film fest, i decided to do a couple of movie reviews of my own. Hope you like movies, cause I sure like reviews...

I saw the preview for the new Leo/Hughes Biopic "The Aviator". Leo has got to stop messing around with these big budget snoozefests and do something worthwhile before I stop having sex dreams about him. Eccentric Billonaire? I say "Eccentric Who-Gives-A-Shit?"

I saw "Napoleon Dynamite" on Sunday with Jules and Marko. We went to the sushi place next door to Carlton cinema before hand for some grub. They do this move where they load the Spicy Tuna Maki up with wasabi so it has this mean bite to it, and they don't wrap it in seaweed like they do at sushi on Bloor. Nice move sushi place, you've played before...

Ahhh but for the life Aquatic. i don't know if i have been more jazzed to see a new movie in some time. ALTHOUGH, i saw a preview on the internet on Friday and it was nothing AT ALL like i thought it would be. I pictured it being all in the 1700's like Chris Columbus and shit (1600's). So what i have decided to do is not see it, THAT way there is no way i can be disappointed by it and it can live forever in my mind as this perfect sparkling ideal (much like Minnie Driver in the mind of Matt Damon for the first half of "Good Will Hunting"; now that was a good fuckin' movie).

Good Fuckin' Movie!

This is how I rap. When Mark and I drop this new rap song it is going to permanently alter the course of human history, for the worse. It will be like an infectious plague, causing uncontrollabe butt shaking from Toronto to Iraq, and back. Be warned.

So i was trying to find a poster for that new movie "Cellular", and instead i found this sweet honey in a fanny pack. Somehow I think we are all better off for it. Cellular should have come out in like, '97 or something, and even then it wouldn't have been cool.

And finally, the moment you have all been waiting for, the best of 2004 and the winner of the Palm D'Or at the first annual "Marties", the winner is......

"I don't care about your crime... whatever you did, i'm sure you feel bad, so it's cool now, it's over... we're just two cool guys, just hangin' out".

2004-09-09T16:14:00.000-04:00

And from the wonderful world of sports:

Shaq Dad: Lyrical Mastermind.

"The Diesel is back in the booth, and the word is out. Miami Heat center Shaquille O'Neal, whose rap albums include "Shaq Diesel" and "Shaq Fu -- Da Return," has collaborated with DJ Vlad on a new rap CD called "Hot In Here Part Five." On the single titled "You Not The Fightin' Type," O'Neal takes a swipe at former Los Angeles Lakers teammate Kobe Bryant. In the song, while calling out DJ Skillz, a Cincinnati-based radio deejay, O'Neal says: "Even with wings you never as fly as me ... you remind me of Kobe Bryant trying to be as high as me ... but you can't ... even if you get me traded ... wherever I'm at, I'm Puffy; you Mase and you're still hated." ESPN.com

Kobe: Just got served.

2004-08-31T11:39:00.000-04:00

WHO'S YO DADDY!
What do you call a guy with SHIT in his DNA?
Eugene Poo-Gene!

2004-08-27T11:13:00.000-04:00

"Everybody's working for the weekend" - Loverboy.

2004-08-24T14:38:00.000-04:00

Dug this baby out of the crates last night:

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MARY POPPINS!
Who takes care of Mr. Medicine when his mom goes to work?
His Auntie Biotic!
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Happy Tuesday.. >M<

2004-08-20T10:53:00.000-04:00

Hello Gang!
Happy Friday everyone! What I am here to do is blast you with the funny shit to get your big butts wagging all through this regular-sized weekend. So here goes, please keep hands and toes inside the car at all times, and refrain from vomiting until the vehicle has come to a complete STOP:

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NUMBER ONE!
What do you call a grabby crab?
A selfish shellfish!

WHORE!
What do you call a shrimp with a pimp?
a trampy scampy!

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!
You did, fuckwad!

BENVENITO A PARIS!
How do you tell a Frenchman to fuck off?
Flip him the oiseau!

WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?
What do you call shit-kicking shit?
Kung-Fu Bum-Poo!

CHARLIE!

What do you call Charlie answering his mom?

Answering Ma-Sheen!

HANG TEN!

What do midgets surf on?
Microwaves!

WATCH YOUR STEP!
How do you know when you've farted?
Your shorts smell like the inside of your ass!

NAP TIME!
We all know what happens when you fall asleep, what happens when sleep falls on you?
You're under a rest!

KISS MY GLASS!
Why did the window washer leave his house?
Because the glass in always cleaner on the other side!

VS!
What do you call Charlie getting in a fight with his mom?
Man Vs. Ma-Sheen!

FUCKING VEGANS!
Where does a vegetarian wear their toe-ring?
On their TOE-FOO!

CHIEF TELLING JOKE!
What do inuits listen to music on?
Native Speakers?

FUCK BRANDY!
How do you diss an aperatif?
You tell a port to teleport!

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That's it, I'm exhausted. I'm sure I have more of those suckas crawling around the dark recesses of my mind, but I'll have to write those ones later. Check this out, i'll write those ones l8r, shit yeah see what i did there? L8R! DOPE! L8R SK8R BOI! I think using the number 8 in the place of "ate" has got to be the single coolest thing ever.... Oh, shit check this out:

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DINNER TIME!
a: Why aren't you hungry?
b: B-cuz I 8 a sk8r l8r than U!

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There it is folks, I have outdone myself! I hang my hat and cry in silence at the breathtaking pinnacle of my joke writing career... ENJOI THE WEEKEND KIDS! M>

2004-08-17T11:39:00.000-04:00

Hey gang, long time no blog.. You miss me? Since we last spoke the American men's B-Ball team has been eliminated from the Olympics. Tiger won the Tour Championship, and Ben Wallace had a breast reduction. Aren't sports weird? To celebrate our new union, I thought I would offer you some homemade jokes to get you through this gloomy Tuesday. Enjoy!
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CRIBS!
I'm not a rich man you can see,
but look between my foot and knee.
it's not a shack,
oh no siree.
I've got a MAN-SHIN
all for me!

F IS FOR FUNNY
B: Excuse me...
A: Yes?
B: Well, I don't mean to be rude, but your anus is showing...
A: A is for Anus!

HAIL KOREA
What do you say to a guy who's burning your mandu?
Man Don't!

CONSTIPATION NATION
Why can't snakes take good sized shits?
Because they are shit, and they smell like shit!

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That's it folks, see you in another two months! Try the meatballs, they taste like flesh!

2004-04-23T18:21:00.000-04:00

WHahOO!

man this bloggo has been a boring wasteland of late hey? as charlie sheen said in Navy S.E.A.L.S "whaaaat a shithole!" I should rename it "The Lame Lab", or maybe "House of Crap". Either way, Im back now, deep breaths everybody. The reason for the hold up is that I have joined the ranks of the gainfully employed. I just finished my first week on the job at the CEC network, lika thees. It has been pretty excellent so far, im recruiting teachers to teach english in oman, UAE, colombia, argentina, china and south korea. So im on the phone alot of the day and going through resumes and emailing people. its pretty cool i must say. so thats the job, now onto the good stuff...

As Reported by THE LONDON TELEGRAPH:
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man Sticks His Balls Together
In a bizarre incident this week in Hull, a man accidentally stuck two pool balls together demonstrating a type of molecular fusion previously unseen. While shooting snooker at the local pub Terry Graves took a good hard shot at the pink and watched mystified as the two balls quite literally fused together, with one third of his cue buried. The scene caused quite a stir, that was eventually broken up by pub manager Tom Fitzsimmons coming over and removing the balls from the table. In an even stranger twist, The University of Manchester has made a 40 thousand pound bid for the balls, while Fitzsimmons is holding out, saying: "my balls are worth a lot more than 40 large, even if they are stuck together". A Manchester University spokesman has said they believe the incident proves a highly theoretical type of fusion known as "molecular blending" whereby two solid objects - being comprised of more empty space than particles - quite literally just slide together. "The odds of such an occurrence are ten trillion to one," said the spokesman, "Mr. Fitzsimmons would be doing science a great favor by giving up his balls." At press time, Fitzsimmons wouldn't budge.
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What???? .. british people are fucked up...anyway, i gotsta take a shower, wash the stench of success off my velvet skin.. have a great weekend everybawdy...

2004-04-17T12:05:00.000-04:00

Happy Weekend Everybody!

So it's saturday! the day we have all been waiting for.. man do i love saturdays! it's right up there, one of the best days of the week really.. in fact i would say on a scale of one to absolute irremediable shit, saturday is not doing all that bad.. like a 4 maybe, and when it is raining that drops to a 2.5, that's pretty good there saturday.
I quite enjoy this rain we are having, kind of peaceful in a way.. though it does mean mark can't go garage sailing, sorry about that buddy.. oh and good work on your homework.. a word to the rest of you, you will not get dessert until all your homework has been finished, so get cracking! i guess the rain works for nicky as he will be inside cleaning his place up for the big tonight, and i am not sure if it is raining in montreal, where julie is.. i hope it's not, i hope she is basking in the warmth of the sun as she gears up for her final finals ever!!!! and that just about covers my readership.. hmmm... if i have left you off my list if you could please identify yourself in the shout-outs and tell me, a) whether or not it is raining where you are, b) whether or not you like the rain, and c) why you didn't finish all your homework, and how disappointed in yourself you are.

so on to tonight.. saturday night, THE BIG ONE!!! should be pretty shit hot if i do say so... i have been (mickey) desparately trying to figure out a costume to wear to the ball, but nothing has worked out, so it looks like ill be referring to my old stand-by. everyone loves a vijay!

and i am getting closer and closer on the job front.. i got a message yesterday from the place that might be hiring me, asking me to call back.. which i couldnt because it was 10:45 at night.. but i think they are going to scoop me up on monday, man i hope so.. would be a hot gig..

so i will see most of you this evening, hope all is well, and have yourselves a smashing saturday!

2004-04-15T18:03:00.000-04:00

I hereby declare thursdays: "education is the poop day"... here's my homework for school, can yoooouuuuu figure it out?
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fact-checking problem: what color is your airplane?

a fact checker was assigned the check a story on a canadian airline to appear in the business section of macleans. a passage that caused trouble is in bold; the entire lead paragraph is provided for context.

"this week more than a thousand cp air employees will gather in a massive hangar at vancouver international airport. there, they will watch the unveiling of the first dc-10 painted in the company's new colors. the bold orange and red scheme conceived in the 1960s is giving way to a more sober pattern of red white and blue."

the following exchange took place while the fact checker was going over the story with the airline's public relations person:
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fact checker: "and the new color scheme on your planes in red, white and blue."

pr guy: "no, no, no. Everybody says that."

fc: "it's not red, white and blue?"

pr guy: "no."

fc: "then what color is it?"

pr: "sky blue and cloud white. those are the official colors."

fc: "the planes are blue and white?"

pr: "no. the colors are sky blue and cloud white."

fc: "and there's no red anywhere on the plane?"

pr: "well, there's a thin red stripe separating the blue half from the white half, running the length of the plane."

fc: "so the planes are red, white and blue."

pr: "you're not listening."
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what change, if any, should the fact checker make to the sentence in question?

2004-04-15T17:11:00.000-04:00

Where to begin...

2004-04-12T14:29:00.000-04:00

The depressing realization in this age of dumbing down is that the questions have moved from "Was Nietzsche right about God?" to "How big was his dick?"

-David Bowie

2004-03-25T16:12:00.000-05:00

hey now, no need for such mama-drama. wednesdays sure suck but thursdays can be a real shitball too.. check out this chick , she is so bummed out! chill out little lady, it's almost the weekend ...who likes pizza???

that's right folks, I figured out HYPERTEXT!!! (well technically nick told me, but hey...)

2004-03-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

They say Wednesday is the toughest day of the week aside from Monday, and Sunday, and Friday if you have a hangover. So I give you the following links to brighten your dull, gray eyes. Get that raincloud out of your head!

Check this guy out: http://www.tylerhayden.com/faces.htm
I used to go to camp with him. Sheesh.

Who's hungry? I'm cookin' tonight! http://www.millionmenu.info/eng/recipes/collection/drecip2970/

This guy is so mad! It must be a Wednesday. Relax guy, it's hump day!http://www.poster.net/diesel-vin/diesel-vin-photo-vin-diesel-6204556.jpg

This guy used to make Wednesdays rock! I miss you buddy.
http://www.helicon7.com/90210/archives/images/ian2.jpg

Remember me?
http://www.asb.nb.ca/images/tylerhayden.jpg

That's all for today, once I figure out how to use hypertext this Wednesday links thing is gonna sizzzle, I solemnly swear.

2004-03-20T14:55:00.000-05:00

Anglican Babies

Catatonic delivery entices fantastic gastro-intestinal hemorrhage.
It just killed lucky Mummy,
now our pretentions quiver.
Resurrect sweet Theresa?
Unified victors won't.
X-Ray.
You Zealots!

The Fraser Collective of Natural Sluts was forged last night out of red wine and creative fervor. Mad props to Jules, Mike and Carrie for their inspirational wordplay and awesome work in the percussion jams.

2004-03-20T14:43:00.000-05:00

yeah boyyyeeeeeee!
rookie of the year has made it to the belle province. just got back from the salon, wicked faux hawk in effect, ready to get my freak on at the mcgill formal. had a difficult interaction at the thousand islands casino yesterday.. having been rejected at the door for not bearing a valid drivers license or a firearms license, i dispelled my feverish gambling addiction by placing a poorly advised wager with mr mike holmes in the parking lot. through the duration of my cigarette i bet holmes there would be at least one red car pulling into the lot. suffice it to say it didn't. a double or nothing and a green minivan later i was down forty bucks and a quarter pounder meal. fuck. so we hopped back on the highway and washed away the hard feelings with beef jerky and a rousing round of "spot the hooker". good trip all in all.