Slots In The Front

If Marsha Brady had been named Poker, Jan would have walked around saying "Poker, Poker, Poker!"

Well guess what folks:


I am Jan Brady.

I play a lot of poker, and when I am not playing poker I can be found thinking about poker, reading about poker, or writing acrostic poetry about poker.

P - Pair
O - Of
K - Kings?
E - Earning
R - Royalties.

So yeah, I guess it is pretty clear that I know a lot about poker. It is also becoming rather obvious that you know very little about poker. So today I decided to chip in, and lend you a hand. If we were playing right now, that last sentence was a full house.

First things first, when you are playing poker you don't want to give away what you have in your hand by doing things like:


Laughing


Crying

Or...


Showing people your cards.

All of these things will tip your opponents off as to what cards you have, and you will probably lose the hand. Except, ironically, that last dude who had four sevens, as that is pretty much impossible to beat, I think.

Which bring me to my next poker tip: What do I play?

The worst cards you can get dealt in poker are


2/7 Offsuit.

The reason these cards suck the most is because they are the lowest cards you can have that don't give you a chance at a straight or flush. This is a hand you would want to fold, unless of course you are playing a round of "Texas Worsties", in which case you go all in.

On the other hand, the best cards you can be dealt are:


Pocket Aces.

Also known as Pocket Rockets, Bullets, or American Airlines. If you see this hand you have two jobs:

Job Number One:


Don't Freak Out.

Too many people forget this rule and act like rookies when they get these cards. You gotta stay cool and collected. Try whistling, or making way too much eye contact. You could also try saying some cool shit like:

"Daddy needs to purchase some new shoes"

OR

"Luck be a lady tonight"

That should throw up a sufficient smoke-screen, so we move onto...

Job Number Two:


Go All In

While you do this, it is again important to say something cool, such as:

"Ride or die, bitches"

OR

"Looks like somebody's taking the bus home"

You can also do cool things while pushing in all your chips, to further intimidate. Some of my current faves are:


The No-Look


The Hand Jive

and...


The Cheat

That should get you where you need to go, and if it doesn't, try reading it again. Like I always say "Pore Over Knowledge: Enjoy Rewards".

LOL ADMIN>>

Complications

"Why you gotta go and make things so complicated?"
- Avril Lavigne.

Life is, indeed, complicated. From the difficult equations presented by a challenging chemistry riddle, to the complex twists and turns performed by a professional diver. Life, at times, seems nothing if not complicated.


Complicated.


Again, complicated.

It seems people spend a lot of time observing this quality in the world, often saying things like:

"This thing is very complicated".

OR

"Why does this have to be so hard?"

And while these are legitimate statements, they are focusing on the negative, and thus produce negative results. For more positve results, people should be saying things like:

"That man's physique is incredible"

OR

"That potion could probably have some beneficial effects on a man's physique"

Another problem I see alot of is people commenting that things are confusing. For example, someone makes a joke like:

Q: What did Brady tell his lady?
A: I'll a view. Whoah man, he's Ed.

And when they finish, someone close-by says something like:

"That joke was confusing"

WRONG! Just because you are feeling confused doesn't mean that the joke wasn't funny, or that the joke was confusing. You were probably confused by something earlier in the day, never got over it, and now you are taking it out on this perfectly good and funny joke. So think back, back, back:

What did you have for breakfast?

Was it confusing?

What song is in your head?

Does it make you feel confused?

Did you remember to close the window?

You seem confused.

Don't make it the jokes fault, cause the joke did nothing wrong.

Q: What did Brady tell his lady?
A: "I love you woman" he said.

Oh What A Night!

So I was at the









show last weekend, sitting next to a







and at the break dude gets down on his little knees and starts



So I'm all "what are you doing?"

and he's all "I'm



한국어:







"

so then I'm all "why are you so into





and he goes "I don't know why, but it gives me

WELL, DO YOU?

DO YOU THINK I'M THIS?



















CAUSE I THINK YOU'RE THIS!

Bloggers in a Dangerous Time

Q: If Leo was on American Idol, what would they call his fans?



A: Leo-Tards!

Welcome back to the LDFH. As STAIND would say, "It's been a while". Today I'm going to throw down some fresh blog lingo, or blingo as it's called. All the kids are kicking it, so I thought I should get you up to speed (or should I say hi-speed DSL! Wheeeee!)

Item #1.


Bloggerati: n. The bloggerati is a group of super-elite blog-snobs (or blobs)who dominate the blogging landscape. Some members of the Bloggerati are:

Me
Antonio Esfandiari
Tyler Hayden

Item #2.


Yule Blog: 1. A blog celebrating Christmas. Often enjoyed with Egg-Blog. 2. A blog celebrating Yul Brynner.

Examples include:

The Christmas Blog
BaldHeadShine.com
Yul Brynner: Hollywood's Russian Pharaoh

Item #3.


Geeblography: The notion that the world exists only as a series of interconnected blogs, with no substance outside of said blogs. An incorrect view. OR IS IT???????

Item #4.


Blogunka-dunk: A large, round blog favored by hardcore bloggers. Often appearing in blog videos.

Item #5.


Blogonese: A blog topping for all your pasta needs. A typical recipe would look like this:

Ingredients
- 4 boiled tomatoes
- 1 pinch of salt
- 3/4 of a pound of ground lamb
- A blog

1. Cut up the tomatoes and the blog.
2. Mix them in a pan with the salt and the lamb.
3. Heat the pan.
4. Let sit 8-10 minutes to cool.
5. Serve and enjoy!


LOL Admin.

The Reunion

Dear Mr. Butterfly,

I was so happy to hear the news of your new baby daughter. May she bring you all the joy in the world. My heartfelt congratulations to yourself and Janine for reaching this exciting stage in both your lives. Isn't it amazing that you have started a family? While you do not share my objectivity on the matter, I would hope you can take the time to step back and marvel at your own accomplishments from time to time, as they truly are magnificent.

I am doing quite well for myself, all things considered. The dish-washing business is still rolling along, though my bad back went out at the end of the summer, and I have been forced to wash all the dishes in the bathtub with me each night as I soak it. My work hasn’t suffered, though the bleach is doing a number on my skin. Dr. Morris says my back should straighten itself over the next three weeks or so, and it will be nice to get back to normal. Business has actually been surprisingly good for the late fall, up 10% from this time last year. I was forced to let Dennis (the delivery driver) go in early September, which was harder than I thought, though has turned out to be a real blessing in disguise. He was late for deliveries and pick-ups, and was breaking our best wineglasses like it was going out of style. The new guy, French is his name, has been a god-send. Punctual as all get-out, and extremely conscientious with his packing. Sometimes the hard decisions are the right ones, I guess.

Are you getting excited for the big reunion coming up? I sure am. It will be so great to see all the old boys from the mill again. Will you be bringing the whole Butterfly brood? I haven't seen Janine since just before she went into the hospital for the second time. I remember how worried we all were for her, and for you too. Such a difficult thing to go through with someone you love so dearly, but again thank goodness for small miracles. She almost didn’t go through with the procedure and now, three operations later, she has no stomach and is as fit as a fiddle! Who ever could have imagined. Frank Jessup even told me she was running marathons now, and while I understand that Frank is a liar, the fact that he would think to lie about such a thing is a real compliment in itself.

And I guess your little one will be almost a year old by the time the reunion rolls around. Would she be walking by then? Perhaps speaking language even? You must forgive me if I am out of touch with these matters, as I have only met a handful of children in my life. In any case, I am sure that with the intelligent genes of both yourself and Janine your daughter will be speaking at the youngest age possible. I have also heard some doctors say that the most important things we say aren’t said with words at all, so perhaps we should not place too much emphasis on such matters.

I was thinking the other day about the last time I saw you - no less than eight years ago last month - and it never fails to bring a smile to my face. As I recall it must have been one of the sunniest days that fall, if not that whole year, though of course the mind has a tendency to paint memories the colors the heart wants to see. The leaves in the grove next to the mill had changed a million shades of orange and the smell of fresh cut lumber drifted through on a brisk fall breeze.

George and I were sitting at the picnic tables around back, and you came ambling around the corner wearing that wooden hat you had made. You sat down next to George and said (I remember this like it was yesterday):

“Hello George, how’s Tina?”

…and George said, “Well just great thank you”. “That’s great” you said “and how about little Jasper? He get over that flu yet?”. “Well yes he did in fact, thank you for asking” said George, noticeably quite flattered that you had cared to inquire.

The next twenty minutes are a blur, as you inquired about my folks, by name, and then one-by-one inquired on the well being of every family member of every employee at the mill, all 190 of us (even grumpy old Jenkins in shipping), as a crowd gathered around us, there on the shaded grove. It was nothing short of awe-inspiring Mr. Butterfly. Such a clear and rich understanding of the lives of those around you, truly remarkable. It was the first time we all realized how much different you are from us, how special you really are. You left us just a couple weeks after that, and we all understood it when you did.

And look at me rambling again! I do apologize Mr. Butterfly. I get so caught up, though I know you must have heard that story from enough angles to make yourself an octagon. I just hope you haven’t forgot how much it meant to us all, and how proud we were for you. That was the day I knew you were bound for great things Mr. Butterfly, and you certainly haven’t disappointed in that department.

I will look forward to seeing you at the reunion next year. Give my best to Janine and the little one, and God bless you and your growing family.

Sincerely, your friend,
Trevor Bee.