KITTY CAT CHITTY CHAT

Howdy pardners, welcome back to Cat Country. Sorry for the lag between posts, but it's hard to concentrate on blogging when your cat is as cute as mine!


C/h/at.

While it may be a dod-eat-dog world out there, it is also a cat-is-cute world! Just last night my cat caught a mouse, only problem is, it was my computer mouse!


Good.

Now, as you may or may not have noticed, you can use the letters in "cat" to spell "act", and boy can they ever!

I once wrote a play and acted it out with my cat Pookie. It went like this:

Me: Fine weather for golf, wouldn't you say Pookie?
Pookie: It most certainly is Marty, what say we shoot a quick nine holes?
Me: I meant fine weather for watching golf!
Pookie: I know Marty, when I said "shoot" I really meant "watch"!
Me and Pookie: (laughing).


Fore!

But cat's are not all fun and games. There is one problem with cats:


A cat will scratch a chair.

But don't get mad, this is just because of a cat's nature. And if they didn't have this nature, they wouldn't be so cute. That's the way I look at it!

Till next time, cat-lovers!

Bauer to the People

I finished season one of Twenty-Four on Saturday afternoon (while nursing the throat parasite that seems to have overtaken my CNS - that's doc talk, I learned it on ER) and have come to three conclusions:

1. Jack Bauer is the coolest human-being/Dad ever born onto the planet earth. No not cooler than Leo, Leo's not a Dad. Apples and Oranges people.
2. Anyone not watching this show is doing the entertainment equivalent of giving themself a wedgie.
3. If they re-made Speed and put Jack Bauer in the place of Jack Traven (Keanu) it would be far and away the best movie ever made. It would be a lot like On the Waterfront , only better.

In light of these revelations I decided to pitch my own show. It is not totally fleshed out yet, but I am thinking along the lines of a fast-paced, edge of your seat thrill-ride kind of thing. Or maybe more of a white-knuckle nail-biter guaranteed to keep you crawling back for more. In any event, I call it:


The pink symbolizes danger, of course.

I don't mean to be a braggadocio or anything, but Joel Siegel may or may not have called it "The greatest man-made action-drama since The John Larroquette Show".

A few highlights from Season One:

7:15 - Bed

Marty slams the Snooze button. Crime can wait, but for how long?

10:55 - The Couch

Almost time to watch The View. But who is the guest today? The tension is palpable.

3:18 - The big house.

"You bet your ass it was you cute little dude! And don't talk back to me, criminal!"

5:48 - Shoppers Drug Mart

Marty just isn't sold on the merits of 2 in 1 Shampoo and Conditioner.

10:34 - Kitchen

Enjoying some soup. Can't busts crooks on an empty stomach.

12:53 - Dreamland

Marty dreams that it is morning and then wakes up and thinks it is time to fight more crime. Then he looks at the clock: 12:53. What a relief!



I am still working on the theme song. The last version I tried turned out sounding just like the intro to Soap. What can you do, hey Leo?

LEO: Hey.

Improv Olympics

Hey Blogs!

So tonight is week 1 of my Level B improv class, and I have a feeling it is going to be seriously gnar-gnar.

gnar-gnar. adj.
Incredibly awesome, excessively good

Derived from the term "gnarly".
"Whoa, did you see him hit the tranny with a 720 nose grind, it was gnar-gnar"

There was no class last week, which gave me some extra time to practice my Keanu impression ("I don't caaaaare.. Shit, focus.. I don't caaaaaaaaaare about your crime.. Better"), and I'm ready to knock 'em dead tonight.


And so it B-gins.

The focus of Level B, for those not familiar with the form, is "Blossoming". That is what the "B" stands for. Level Blossoming.

It is the level in which I will evolve into a comic master-force, crushing all in my path with my zesty one-liners and impeccably-timed simulated fart noises.

Me: Excuse me sir, can you pass-da-pasta!
Leo: That's not even a joke.


Daniel Radcliffe: I beg to differ!

And while I am confident about my chances in the pressure-cooker of Level B, it was only by the slimmest of margins that I scraped through the Level A Final Exam.


The Gauntlet

It came down to me vs. the teacher in an all or nothing Prov-Off. He got me good with a "made-up secret-handshake to miming climbing a rope" but I brought down the house with a "talk happy while frowning" followed immediately with the timeless "walking the cat".


Game. Set. Match.

See you in LEVEL B!

B.Brown Fanhome

Sorry to say that no one correctly answered my little query involving Mosquito Man vs. The FLY. The correct answer is that The FLY would win, and the even more correct answer is that Pollution Man would kick the crunk out of both those fools. Ya heard!


"Don't over-water your lawn, Human!"



So the news of the week is - drumrollllll - the Pistons and Spurs in are in the FINALS! Brought to you by PEPSI! Only on ABC!


Always Be Closing.

Detroit and San Antone are gonna grind it out
Run some half court sets until they find it out:
Who can be more boring and make less mistakes!
Draw more crappy charges and catch a few breaks!
Manage the clock and play not to loooose... IT ALL!
IT'S FINALS BASKETBALL!!

Would it be juvenile if I referred to the teams as the PISS-tones and S-POO-ers?
LEO: Yeah dude, it would.
ME: Shit. (stons).



You also may or may not have noticed some changes to the site, namely the addition of the archives and the removal of the "crying babies" section. I was sorry to see them go, but in the interest of having the site function as a slick, stream-lined, killing machine it was deemed necessary.

I did, however, add something preeeety special to the sidebar, let's see if you can pick it out.

Hint:

Bobby Brown likes the drugs.

Happy Hump-Day!
LOL Administator.

MOSQUITO MANHOME

So I was watching 106 and Park on the weekend, and their guest was Philadelphia Eagles WR Terrell Owens.


Show me the money.

Terrell boldly stated that his favorite movie of all time is "The Notebook". Well played Terrell, but as awesome as "The Notebook" is, it doesn't hold a candle to my favorite movie:


MOSQUITO MAN!

Mosquito Man can lift ten times his own weight, and has twenty foot wings that can beat so fast that the wind blows your shirt off! He drinks 5 tons of BLOOD. And that's just for breakfast! And he can enter your mind using telekenises to suck blood from your brain and render you:


De-Brained!!!!!

Indeed, you would have to be some kind of idiot to mess around with MOSQUITO MAN.

But, you say, if Mosquito Man is so kick-ass, can he defeat...


Jeff Goldblum?


Discuss/Discourse.

Weaponized Salad
Oink, this is The Polishweapon borrowing a slab of space to bring you the following

Lubba Subba

Croc Dundee II - Scene 17 Act III

Villian - What's a Donk?

The Salad Army

friday update

Hello Blogospheres! Blogosphere is the name for people who read BLOGS! Seeing how you are all reading this BLOG, you are all blogospheres!



So it is Friday, and I felt it was in order to give you an update on a few things near and dear. We shall start with the...

NBA PLAYOFFS UPDATE!!

Western Conference:
Phoenix 1 - Dallas 1
San Antonio 2 - Seattle 1

Good matchups, and suprisingly competitive thusfar...

Eastern Conference:
Detroit 1 - Indy 1
Miami 3 - Wash. 0

Speaking of Miami, Zo' started in Shaq's place last night and went 5 of 8 for 14 pts. 13 rbs. and 4 blocked shots. We traded Vince Carter for Zo', and he played what some are calling the best game of his career for the Heat last night.


Rob Babcock 479,284 - Rap's Fans - 0

...but for those of you who aren't so into hoops, how about an:

IDOL UPDATE!!

My man Bo Bice is still putting the "rock" back in "Amer-ROCKIN' Idol". This week he laid down the theme song to The Apprentice while wearing a black suit, aviators, flip-flops and a diamond-crusted dollar-sign belt buckle. It was the best thing I have ever seen, in my life. Randy responded with: "All I can say is, when your album comes out that song better be on it!"


Like Buttah'

And then Wednesday rolled around and saw Anthony Federov sent packing. Bo Bice is your next American Idol. Believe me, I am never wrong about these things. And no, Leo's Oscar prediction does not count as one of "these things".

Speaking of which...

LEO DICAPRIO UPDATE!!!

Though I don't talk about him so much anymore, Leo is still very much the life-blood of this website. For instance, just this week Leo called me and was like: Mar Flan! Who loves you baby? And I was all: Yo Leo, I gotta respond to your question in rhyming couplets as it's the only way I can properly express myself...

Leo, my friend, you most lovely fellow,
Come to my house, where we can eat Jello,

I'll show you my gameboy, my Playstation 2,
My new bright blue sneakers, my dandruff shampoo,

I'll show you and tell you all about me,
And I'll make you a sandwich: tomato and brie!

Your Favorite! I know! You are one of the greats,
I spend time in chatrooms, researching your tastes!

We'll be having such fun, the time will fly past,
Me and my Leo, together at last.



WORK UPDATE!!

I met a guy from Hong Kong at the office this week, and he told me a story as we looked down on City Hall. He told me about the old Hong-Kong Zoo, which closed about five years ago, and was roughly the size of City Hall's grounds. It resembled a run-down farm, or country fair, more than a zoo, and they really only had two animals of any significance: One was a lion, weathered and flea-bitten, sitting in its tiny cramped cage. It stopped eating properly because it was so unhappy, and so you could see its ribs through its sides, like the backside of corrugated cardboard.

The other animal was, in his words, "a tiny, midget elephant". I laughed at this description, thinking it was a figure of speech. He corrected me, saying that it was an honest to goodness midget elephant, so only children could ride on it because it was so small and weak. And the children would indeed ride it, all day lining up to have a ride on the little elephants back, round and round on its little track, each and every day.

And that was it. The zoo then closed five years back and that was the end. Such a sad story. Kind of reminded me a bit of the Parking Lot Farm. I am not really sure why I am recounting it, I guess I just wish it had a happier ending.



IMPROV UPDATE!!

So every Wednesday I go to improv class from 8 to 10:30. It has been lots of fun so far, but people keep asking me "What did you do at improv?", and I have had a hard time answering. This past week was week five, so I figured I might as well get everyone up to speed:

WEEK 1:

Get to know you type stuff.

WEEK 2:

Intro to Miming.

WEEK 3:

Interpretive dance.

WEEK 4:

Fake laughing.

WEEK 5:

Magic wand.

And coming up next week:

The header.



And that should bring you up to speed on all things Leo and Salad Army. Have a great weekend Blogospheres!!!


LOL Administrator.

page six fanhome

Just Asking...

Which former Friend and wife of Mr. Smith has found a new way to deal with her heartache. Pals say she has had her nails painted to read "B R A D" on the right, and "P U T Z" on the left, and is showing them to anyone who will look... Which rock-star of the long-shlong variety was spotted shopping in Soho with his precious pooch on the weekend. Employees at DKNY say he marched in and demanded two custom coats, "one for my dog, and one for my dick"... Which Hilton heiress named for a french capital spent Friday night at Bungalow 8, where she gabbed with friends and did some serious spit-swapping with one Dikembe Mutombo... Which chunky spiderman was canoodling with Candace Bergen at the Orioles game on Tuesday. One eyewitness heard him whisper "take me out to the ball game" in Candy's ear before the first pitch. He carried a sign that read Eating Spaghetti Pleases Naguire and shouted "D'oh" after a Sammy Sosa homer... Which husky hunk of Funky Bunch fame peed his pants while in line for the Dave Matthews show last night... Which famous half of now defunct "Bennifer" is changing her name yet again, this time over a lawsuit. The trouble arose when Leonard Brinker of the Jersey Shore Freight Company filed a defamation suit on Friday, claiming her nickname was a rip-off of his long-time handle "Lenny from the Dock".

HATE

I hate hate.
But hate is what I love to hate.
"Hate-Love" is the closest
thing I've ever felt to love (hate).

Half of hate is "ha!"
But it's not funny.
To hate love like a lover
loves hate.
Hate Love, Ha! Love,
Ha, Lo,
Halo.