Nov 25, 2005

Consiglieri

When you are in the mob, you have a lot of difficult decisions to make. And when you are a king-pin in the mob, sometimes you have so many decisions to make that you can't make them all yourself.



When people find themselves in this sort of situation, they enlist an advisor, or in mob-speak, a 'consiglieri'. I, for example, am Leo's consiglieri. This means that when Leo has an important decision to make (like what to wear, or where to go shopping for clothes) he comes to me, and I use my polished analytical and reasoning skills to figure out Leo's best course of action.

"Wait a minute" you're saying, "You can't be a consiglieri, you're Irish!".

I have two responses to this:

1. I don't appreciate your tone.
2. This guy...



...was Irish, and he seemed to do a pretty good job of it, so can the attitude.

There a lot of important skills you must possess if you want to be an effective consiglieri. The most important of which:


Judgement.

Judgement is the key to making effective decisions. Try answering the questions below to see if your judgement is sharp enough to cut it as a consiglieri.

Question Number One:



You have an appointment at the dentist, but you are nervous. WHAT DO YOU DO!

A: Cancel the appointment.
B: Go to the appointment, but no kissing on the mouth.
C: Confuse the dentist by telling him: "Man, kids these days just don't appreciate the value of a point. Do you remember, back in the 80's, what appointment? Appointment so much back then". Once confused, kick his privates and flee.
D: Reschedule the appointment, for February 29th. Tsssss. Only, the thing is, wait, no wait for it, it's NOT a leap-year! Buuuuuuuuuurn!

Question Number Two:



You are out walking your dog and you come to a rail crossing. The bells are ringing and you can hear a train in the distance. You know you should stay-put but your dog is pulling on the leash and barking that it wants to cross. WHAT DO YOU DO!

A: That is not a dog, it's a cat.
B: The reason you don't know it is a cat is because you are blind and you think it is your seeing eye dog. This is also the reason that you feel a need to put an unusual amount of trust in the 'dog's' desires.
C: Your 'dog' is obviously not barking, it is meowing - like any other cat in the world. Because you have always thought your cat was a dog, you have thought of the sound it makes as a 'bark'. Logically then, you have always though dogs to be cats, and the unusual sound that actual dogs make to be called 'meowing'.
D: If you know your cat to be a dog, and the sound that it makes to be a 'bark', who is to tell you otherwise? Does reality determine our perception of it, or vice-versa?

Question Number Three:



You have to add 7 to 9 and then divide by 2. WHAT DO YOU DO!

A: Do the math, man! Just do it!
B: Do the math, in the bath!
C: M.A.T.H: Man and Trees - Harmony.
D: MATH!

Once you have finished answering all the questions tabulate your score and refer to the chart below to see if you have what it takes to be a consiglieri! The answer to every question was A!

I got them all right! - Congratulations, you have the reasoning skills of a skulking Pheonix! You could tell me what to do any time!

2 for 3! One mistake ain't bad! - Actually it is bad, very bad. In this world you ain't a cat with nine lives, oh no! You are a dog, a dirty dog, and one mistake is all you get. Unless you are owned by the blind person mentioned above, in which case you are still a dirty dog, but they think you are a cat.

1 over 3, that's a fraction! - Yes it is a fraction, very good. Too bad you weren't so clever when you were getting two out of three wrong.

I'm a big zero! - Yes you are, but don't beat yourself up over it. At least you are consistent, and that goes a long way, says a lot about a person's character. And sometimes, in this world, when all the chips are down, and there is no more room for mistakes, a person's character is really all they've got.


LOL Admin.

Nov 4, 2005

Slots In The Front

If Marsha Brady had been named Poker, Jan would have walked around saying "Poker, Poker, Poker!"

Well guess what folks:


I am Jan Brady.

I play a lot of poker, and when I am not playing poker I can be found thinking about poker, reading about poker, or writing acrostic poetry about poker.

P - Pair
O - Of
K - Kings?
E - Earning
R - Royalties.

So yeah, I guess it is pretty clear that I know a lot about poker. It is also becoming rather obvious that you know very little about poker. So today I decided to chip in, and lend you a hand. If we were playing right now, that last sentence was a full house.

First things first, when you are playing poker you don't want to give away what you have in your hand by doing things like:


Laughing


Crying

Or...


Showing people your cards.

All of these things will tip your opponents off as to what cards you have, and you will probably lose the hand. Except, ironically, that last dude who had four sevens, as that is pretty much impossible to beat, I think.

Which bring me to my next poker tip: What do I play?

The worst cards you can get dealt in poker are


2/7 Offsuit.

The reason these cards suck the most is because they are the lowest cards you can have that don't give you a chance at a straight or flush. This is a hand you would want to fold, unless of course you are playing a round of "Texas Worsties", in which case you go all in.

On the other hand, the best cards you can be dealt are:


Pocket Aces.

Also known as Pocket Rockets, Bullets, or American Airlines. If you see this hand you have two jobs:

Job Number One:


Don't Freak Out.

Too many people forget this rule and act like rookies when they get these cards. You gotta stay cool and collected. Try whistling, or making way too much eye contact. You could also try saying some cool shit like:

"Daddy needs to purchase some new shoes"

OR

"Luck be a lady tonight"

That should throw up a sufficient smoke-screen, so we move onto...

Job Number Two:


Go All In

While you do this, it is again important to say something cool, such as:

"Ride or die, bitches"

OR

"Looks like somebody's taking the bus home"

You can also do cool things while pushing in all your chips, to further intimidate. Some of my current faves are:


The No-Look


The Hand Jive

and...


The Cheat

That should get you where you need to go, and if it doesn't, try reading it again. Like I always say "Pore Over Knowledge: Enjoy Rewards".

LOL ADMIN>>

Nov 2, 2005

Complications

"Why you gotta go and make things so complicated?"
- Avril Lavigne.

Life is, indeed, complicated. From the difficult equations presented by a challenging chemistry riddle, to the complex twists and turns performed by a professional diver. Life, at times, seems nothing if not complicated.


Complicated.


Again, complicated.

It seems people spend a lot of time observing this quality in the world, often saying things like:

"This thing is very complicated".

OR

"Why does this have to be so hard?"

And while these are legitimate statements, they are focusing on the negative, and thus produce negative results. For more positve results, people should be saying things like:

"That man's physique is incredible"

OR

"That potion could probably have some beneficial effects on a man's physique"

Another problem I see alot of is people commenting that things are confusing. For example, someone makes a joke like:

Q: What did Brady tell his lady?
A: I'll a view. Whoah man, he's Ed.

And when they finish, someone close-by says something like:

"That joke was confusing"

WRONG! Just because you are feeling confused doesn't mean that the joke wasn't funny, or that the joke was confusing. You were probably confused by something earlier in the day, never got over it, and now you are taking it out on this perfectly good and funny joke. So think back, back, back:

What did you have for breakfast?

Was it confusing?

What song is in your head?

Does it make you feel confused?

Did you remember to close the window?

You seem confused.

Don't make it the jokes fault, cause the joke did nothing wrong.

Q: What did Brady tell his lady?
A: "I love you woman" he said.