One Last Word

As we enter Oscar weekend the buzz is that Jamie Foxx is looking like a lock for Best Actor on Sunday. What a sad day it would be if the second best comic to come from the great insititution that was Living Color beats Leo for the statuette. What am I saying? Bite my turbulent tongue! I don't know what came over me to speak so darkly, so pessimistically about my Leo. Aargh! That was so not like me! Not fetch at all. Of course Leo is going to win, the stars are aligned! The O.C finally got itself back on track last night, Shaq's knee injury ain't so bad, and i think I actually bought the coolest shoes ever made at lunch today:


Believe it.

So everything's coming up roses! Leo can't miss! So stop all the playa hating and keep your fingers crossed on Sunday, when Leo will become, truly, the King of the World!

Out to Lunch

Yo man you're out to lunch
because your bum bum's out to lunch
you're out to lunch
like that punk-ass Cap'n crunch
you so crazy
like you totally out to lunch
you hungry? missed brunch?
OUT TO LUNCH!

What's up lunch?
what's up bum-bum?
what's up with your bum-bum?
TOTALLY OUT TO LUNCH!

what's up with your towel's
what's up with your dictionary
what's up with your pictionary
TOTALLY OUT TO LUNCH!

get back down to earth, with yo' crazy bunnsies
get over here and straighten up, you look home-less
TOTALLY OUT TO LUNCH!

10 Things I Hate About Russell Crowe

New Joke!
Q: Who hates Russell Crowe?
A: Everyone on the earth even the animals and the plants and the molecules!


Jackass.

How is it that Russell Crowe is even famous? Really, if you took a vote of everyone on earth they would all agree on three things:

1. Russell Crowe should not be famous.
2. It is questionable whether or not Russell Crowe should even be alive.
3. Leo Dicaprio should be dipped in gold and covered in diamonds.

And so, blog-heads, I give you my list of 10 Things I Hate About Russell Crowe:



Number 1. He is Australian...

Like this guy...

...and this guy...

...And this guy.



Number 2.

His band, “30 Odd Foot of Grunts”, originally toured under the name “The Singer’s the Guy who Boffed Meg Ryan”.

Number 3.

Believing himself to be “old-school” (on account of his appearance in Cinderella Man) he drives a car with no headlamps.

Number 4.

When someone coughs he says “Robitussin”, and claims he's being 'subversive'.

Number 5.

After taking violin lessons in preparation for his role in “Master and Commander: Far Side of the World” he went on to write 8 songs for his band featuring violin or cello, one of which was named “The Weeping Strings of Catalonia”.

Number 6.

Refers to his dandruff as “God’s breakfast”.

Number 7.

Claims the idea for Major League Baseball’s divisional realignment and wildcard format was his.

Number 8.

Can’t pronounce “pantyhose”, and yet he wears them to bed.

Number 9.

Changed the name of his street in Australia to “Raw Silk Rowe”.

Number 10.

Still tells the “rubber balls and liquor” joke at cocktail parties.

And just for good measure, we'll make it 11:

A turn of your head says
I've met you before,
You say that's not possible
But I could have sworn,
That I asked you the difference
Between sensuous and sexy,
You said “I know who you are”,
That kind of perplexed me.

- 30 Odd Foot of Grunts
“Inside her Eyes”



Boy, me and Leo suuuure hate Russell Crowe, don't we Leo?

LEO: I love you Marty.
ME: I know Leo, I know.

C'mon Baby, Do The Twist!

Well well. Quite the beating I took over the whole Pauly Shore thing. Fair enough I suppose, Pauly’s subtle genius is obviously not for everyone/stupid people. But you know what is? TONGUE TWISTERS!

I want everyone to have fun with these, but I also want you to be careful. The last thing I would want would be you dudes ending up with a broken tongue and trying to sue the fanhome.

That would not be very “fetch”.



LET'S GET IT ON!



”The detective’s directive’s elective’s defective”.
- the case of the cloned Kleenex. Difficulty: 5/10. Just getting you warmed up.


“Dwayne Wayne’s plain refrain? - No pain, no gain, no mane? Rogaine!”
-Challenging AND inspirational. 7/10.


“Pucker for a bucker sucker puck a licker dicker fucker”
- that one is for adults. Expert adults! 8/10!


“Britney’s shit knee smells like chutney!”
-a little less challenging, though truthful. 6/10.


How about a quick break before we get into the really tough ones?


I like to do this little exercise to loosen up the tongue for some more twisting, say it with me:

“la la loo loo
pee pee poo poo
piss pot piss pot
poo poo poo”

Feel better? More mature? Good, cause now it’s time to get serious…


“Bent and dented residents spent rented cents on repented demented gents”.
-Snap, word to mother! 9/10



“Skittles make little dumpy spittle monkeys grumpy”
-aw shit, I just broke ya cheekbone! 9/10.


And finally:

“Two booze sips on a cruise ship’s crew’s trip. Bar-tip? Parsnip. Tip Jip = Bruised lips ooze drips. Blood Flood Boat Trip!”
-that is a 10/10. if you can actually say that one you might be a serpent.



Have a great weekend everybody! Say “hi” to the tongue-tician for me as he untangles your twisted yap trap!

The Fake Julie

fake_julie,
originally uploaded by Leonardo Dicaprio.

Check this out! For everyone who has had the pleasure to meet my girlfriend, doen't the chick in the red coat look like her! And the real Julie has a red coat! And she snowboards! I am starting to think Julie may have a secret life as a Abercrombie model. Hmmmmm, secrets...