Sep 22, 2005

Gon' Cut Cha' Toes Off

BLOG. IT.
BLOG. IT?
THINK OF. A THING.
AND BLOG. IT!

Did you ever saw a bone saw?

It looks like this:


And did you ever saw a bunion?

It looks like this:


(That is not actually a bunion. It is a statue of Paul Bunyan. Bunions aren't much fun to look at).

I have one of those two things. And a man named Doctor West has the other. And on November 15th the two are going to get together, and then Dr. West will have both, and I will have none! Unless Dr. West gives me a souvenir bone saw.

I will then have 2 to 6 weeks of recovery time. I will have to wear one of these:


and shower like this:


But most importantly, I will have lots and lots of time to kill. I will probably burn the first couple of days playing Breath of Fire 2
on Game Boy, but once that is wrapped up I will be locked in a constant battle with boredom, hanging onto my sanity by only the thinnest of threads.

DAY FIVE: After teaching myself to cook, I will be sick to my stomach from eating so much asparagus and mascarpone risotto.



DAY EIGHT: My self-titled work of post-apocalyptic semi-biographical flash-fiction will hit stores, causing shock and repulsion nation-wide. I will call it: MARTIN FLANAGAN.



DAY FOURTEEN: I will knit a rope.



DAY SEVENTEEN: Terrified of my own shadow, I will wrap myself in Christmas lights and sleep in the bathtub.



DAY TWENTY SIX: Rewatch "Dog Park" and notice subtleties I hadn't previously picked up. Edit my rewrite accordingly.



And on the THIRTIETH DAY I will return to the real world, changed forever by my orthopedic odyssey. Some will say I grew a beard, while others will call it a moustache. Kids will say I am frightening, mothers will find me attractive. Dogs will sneer and cats will cheer as I run and jump and slide and glide. Higher and faster and bigger and better and further than ever before!



LOL ADMIN>>

Sep 12, 2005

THAT's Funny

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Rondell Sheridan is the host of the home-video show "That's Funny", and he does not, for one second, fuck around. If your tape is funny, he's all "that's funny, welcome to the show". If it's not? He's like "try AFV, cause your shit is NOT FUNNY".

- Hey Ron, what do you think of this?


Ron: That's Funny!

- Alright, how about this?


Ron: That man is embarrassing himself.

A lot of people think he is kind of a prick for being so honest, but that's the thing about Rondell: you can't hate cause he's just telling it like it is. Your tape isn't funny? Don't be a bitch about it, just grow a sense of humor and film your kids doing some shit that IS funny and get back to me, you know?

- Like this:


Ron: That's Funny!

- How about this?


Ron: Why yes, that too is funny!

- And this little guy?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
Ron: You disgust me.

Fair enough Rondell. Thanks for keeping it real.



LOL ADMIN>>

Sep 9, 2005

The Bread Man




Have you met the bread man?
He’s tall and round.
His eyes are bagels
and his heart is a Danish.

(His buns are rolls
And his rolls are buns)

Bread Man is made of bread.
His feet are scuffed rye,
his hands calloused French sticks.
His mouth is a delicate croissant
that turns downwards when
things aren’t going so good.

Bread Man is bread
baked up fluffy and warm.
Can’t be doughy in the middle
when you are a bread man.
His skin cracks and crumbles
and mold spots mottle his pumpernickel scalp.

His (Danish) heart pumps flax and wheat
out to his longest extremities.
His wide loaf chest heaves in and out.
He tires easily,
lately,
but never quits-
baking more bread and more bread.

Sep 2, 2005

I'M SORRY!

Are you sick of getting lyrically thrashed by a nasty diss? So was I bitches!

I ALWAYS used to get dissed until I started busting out what I like to call “Backums” (“Come-Backs” backwards. I’m clever, AIGHT!) So check these nutty Backums, and next time some wannabe punk-ass playa gets in your grill - YOU LAY ‘EM OUT! AIGHT!

Diss: Your mother works two jobs cause she is a stupid idiot!
Backum: You’re an idiot you fucking idiot!

That will teach that trifling-ass punk. But if they won’t back down, sometimes you gotta get crazy on they ass:

Diss: Yo, you look like a fucking popsicle kid!
Backum: I’ll ram a popsicle up your fucking privates you punk bitch!

Shhhhhnap! Game tight bitch!

So there is your Backums. KNOW NOT TO GET FUCKED WIT KID!

But while Backums bail you out when you’re getting balled on, you can usually avoid the whole situation by coming in talking some smooth-ass gully shit. Check this:

SOME DUDE: Yo, what up dun dunna?
ME: Whack-A-Dilly-Yo!

“Whack-a-dilly-yo” means “what’s up”, but all fresh-like. I call this type of talk “Snollege” cause it’s like knowledge from the street, that you didn’t learn in college.

Whack-A-Dilly-Yo? Best believe kid! How about another? Hootie hootie hootie hootie hootie hootie hoo!

SOME PUNK: What up kicko?
ME: Pi is 3.14 muthafucka!

Fundamentally sound. Ain’t no punky-booster-ass chicken-ass going to fuck with that type science. REAL!

SNOLLEGE! So now you know how to defend yourself against some chicken-ass busters, and you know how to represent so peeps don’t be thinking they can play with your shit.

But “what if”, you’re saying, “what if I gotta roll on some fools?” Fair enough, sometimes you gotta take the offensive. So here it is, some dangerous firepower for your lyrical arsenal:

RUFF AND RUGGED!

ME: You bitch, your IQ number is the same number as my hat measurement: 7 and 5/8ths of an inch you gully chicken-ass!

Wha! Wha-sheeeee-it! Dude just got lyrically incinerated!
If we were playing Sorry I would be saying sorry right now to the poor sucka on the receiving end of that linguistical nuke. Sorry AIGHT!

SORRY, AIGHT!