ANOTHER

Hello Helios!

'Where you been?' humans always ask me. 'Why don't you blog anymore?'. 'Blog you don't blog anymore' they say to me. The nerve!

Well helio-blogs, after wrapping the Olympics earlier this week, the truth is that I am a little tapped out. If I was a cashew nut I would be skinless and half digested by the roasting juices of your deep and unclean bowels. Or something.

But I wanted to write a blog today because it has been far too long, and if I didn't write something soon, I feared you might start visiting sites like this one, this one and this one instead of the mighty Salad Army, and we can't have that. Maybe the last one, but definitely not the first two. Fuck the first two!!!

LEO: So what is this post about Marto?

Good question Leonard. Fine question, the better question, however, is what isn't this blog about.

LEO: Oh fuck, here we go...

Chill, I'm only kidding. I wouldn't do that at such a critical and fragile time in my relationship with the helio-blogs. That would be unresponsible. What is unresponsible you say? Well chipmunks, I am glad you asked...

LEO: That's it, I'm leaving you.

Okay, no seriously, I'm kidding, relax. Someone is strung up pretty tight today. The real answer to your question is that this post is about:


HANDSHAKES!

LEO: What about them?

Well that's precisely my point Leo, what about them?

LEO: You're pushing it.

I'm serious, people shake hands every day, to close deals, be sporting, or say hello. But what do all those handshakes do. Or rather, what do they mean?

LEO: You've lost me.

Well consider this, friend. A shake is just a shake, and yet it is always more than a shake. For example, you can shake like this:



But that shake might mean something like this:



Or even this:



Kind of makes you think, doesn't it?

LEO: No, it doesn't.

Yeah, well, what about this shake?



And this one?



And this one!



And this one!



And this one!



LEO: What are you trying to prove?

Fine, forget it. There goes another.

---------------------

LOL ADMIN>

HI BUDDIES!

Hi my buddies!

Sorry about that last post. Pretty brutal, but I just couldn't resist. I wanted to not do it but I couldn't resist. My powers were weak for the preventing doing it, and I seriously just couldn't resist.

But you can all relax now, the mean, stupid post has gone away and in its place is this delicious post. If the old post was a fart, this post is like a happy fart, from the back end of a unicorn. Rainbowy.


Pffft.

LEO: Hey, Marto, let's get down to business.

Ahoy Leonardo! Hark I say! That is a grand idea! Today on the menu I have a poem for you about pizza. If you rearrange the letters in poem, you get mope. That's called this: IRONIC. Poem time!

Blood Meal

I'll have two large pizzas please
With chocolate chips and candied peas
With bamboo shoots and ginseng roots
And chopped and sautéed apple seeds.

Go light on the banana chips
Their hard, sharp edges cut my lips
Blood runs south from my aching mouth
And dangles from my fingertips.

Blood is pouring, gentle loss
Coats my plate, a tepid gloss
The crimson flow on blanched white dough
Mixes with the sauce.

My mouth is filled, a bloody feast
Human juice and tainted yeast
Warm and sour, drained of power
Fills my belly up, my beast.

Trickling poisons from the deep
Drying padding colors seep
Head is falling, darkness calling
Eyes fall closed and into sleep.

---

Whap, hope you liked it. In the words of this guy:


'Mmm, I love turtles!'

------------------------

LOL ADMIN>

secret bloggy-man

Hi Blogs,

I am on here for a secret, because even though I said I wasn't going to blog you I have something important that I want to blog you.

Meow meow. I want to blog you meow meow.



LOL ADMIN>

OUT OF ORDER

Hey Blugs,

Sorry for the slow-ass posting lately, I have been like this thing here:


A Slow Little Ass

The reason I haven't been around much is that, well, I've been posting on another site. And I think we should take some time apart. Yeah call me what you will, but we both know this hasn't been working. So let's stop pretending and do the grown-up thing, for both of us. And don't say shit about the other site, you haven't even seen it. It's beautiful.



For serious though, I am taking a little hiatus till just after the Olympics (end of Feb.), and when I get back this baby is going to cook. I am going to post about cooking babies. Every day. Yeah you could have thought of it, but you didn't, I did.

So thanks for being patient lately, and if you want to check out the other site you can find it here.

See You Soon Natalies, See You Sooooooooooon......

---------
LOL ADMIN>

Mr. Sensitive

Blargh! King Kong in 'King Kong' says: "Blaaaargh!"

Today I took a test called 'How Sensitive are You?'. It was a series of questions about all kinds of weird shit, and I guess at the end it would tell you how sensitive you are. I say 'I guess' because I didn't get to the end. I only got to the second question, and if there is one thing life has taught me it is this:

'There is no brass ring for a second place loser'.

It is a good thing I knew this already, otherwise I may have come to be fairly disappointed at not having a payoff at question two.

The reason, however, that I did not get past question two, is that the question sent me adrift in my own imagination and whimsy. They say euphoria is the marrow sucked from the bones of life's great surprises, and suck the bone I did!



Imagine my sweet surprise when I finished up question one ('what is your name?') and looked down at question two, bolded on the crisp page, staring up at me, wet eyes full of wonder:

WHAT DO YOUR NAME?

I felt like I was floating on air. Seriously one of the top five experiences of my life. Probably top three even. Honestly it could even crack into the top two, and may even have a shot at number one.



You know what? Fuck it! It is number one, the best thing that has ever happened to me. I just sat there staring at it, letting it roll around my mind, unravel it's long, prying tentacles into the darkest cavities and recesses of my body.

But to answer? Gad, where to begin. What, in fact, does do my name?

Clothing label makers from my summer camp once did my name. Printed up about 50 of them to attach to every sock and self-addressed envelope packed neatly in my suitcase. But that could not be it, that seems far too simple.



I suppose I could consult a group of interpretive dancers, and they could get all metaphysical and do my name. But that seems all too familiar.



And then it hit me, kind of like that epiphany that Robin Williams has in Good Will Hunting about how Will is just a kid and his mind might be rich with knowledge but he has no experience to back it up.

'What do your name?'.

Of course. So simple, right under my nose the whole time.

In the words of Bill Shakespeare:


'These are the ABC's of me baby!'

I DO ME.
I DO ME.
I DO ME.

LEO: He does him.

I DO ME.

-----------------------

LOL ADMIN>

Happy New Year Mu'F*ckas!

Helo Blogs, you are all helio blogs.

'Helio' means 'of the earth', and thus, you are all helio blogs.

Deal with it.



Sometimes I see people on the street, and they're all 'yo guy, yo you guuuuy, why didn't you update your weblog?'

But I don't respond, becasue I was saving it. Saving my response I mean. Saving it for now.



LOL ADMIN'S OFFICIAL RESPONSE TO WHY HE HAS NOT BEEN ON BLOG>

My reasons are three-peat.

1. Typing, contrary to popular belief, is hard.



2. It has been a simple matter of resources. For those not aware, resources are things you use to do things. I have been short on these things. These things are:

- Typing skills.



3. Typing, for humans, is not natural. It is not instinct.



END TRANSMISSION>

So, that should take care of that.

In closing, I would like to wish everyone a safe and happy New Year. If you feel like you are drunk, please walk home or take a rickshaw or sleep in a gutter.



Also, I would encourage everyone to use 2006 as an opportunity to be a better person, or no, a better civilian. I, myself, have resolutioned to make several important steps in my life:

1. Learn to type.

The rest are secret resolvers, but i will give you a hint:



----------------------------------

Kisses,
LOL ADMIN>

What's in a Name?

My nickname in highschool was:


LUNCHBOX

Not for the reason you are assuming, however. I was called lunchbox not because I was big, but rather because I was so small I was once locked in a lunchbox as a practical joke.



What this little story illustrates is that names can sometimes be deceiving, and things are not always as they seem. Sure Refrigerator Perry is huge, and Speedy Claxton is fast, but is Tiki Barber a barber? Let me be the first to tell you that he most certainly is not.



'So what do I do?' you are saying. 'What do I doooooooo? Tell me, tell me what I can doooooooo?' Well fret not my little Blogs, I am here to help. To aid in your understanding of this nonsensical nomenclature I give you:

THE LOL ADMIN'S GUIDE TO NOT GETTING JACKED BY SOME GULLY ASS NAME
- 1ST EDITION

Lesson #1

Appreciate that some people have a delicate relationship with their name, and it can at times become a sore-spot.

EXHIBIT A:


This is Taco Wallace. He is a football player for the Seattle Seahawks. He is clearly not a taco. You can probably imagine that if your name was Taco, and you were not a taco, you probably wouldn't want to talk about it too much.

What can be learned from this? Well, when someone has a funny name, like Taco, or, say, Boobie, it is best not to make fun of them as that could cause pain. And I am talking about emotional pain, the kind that causes scars that you CAN'T see.



What you can do in situations like this is think of all the funny jokes and puns that you would have said to the person and write them down on little pieces of paper. Then give the pieces of paper to a friend and have them call you those names and see how it makes you feel. This will make you a better person on the inside.

Lesson #2

Let's do a quick thought experiment to illustrate this next point.

Say your name is Daniel Ruff. Your middle name is Dennis. You are walking down the street, minding your own business, when someone comes up to you and says: "What's up Dandruff, you punk ass bitch?".

What do you do? Beat this dude's ass? Well hold onto your honkers kids. What you should say to this man is:



"But why?" you say! "Why would I thank a dude for calling me a bitch?"

You are not in fact thanking the dude for calling you a bitch, but rather for making your name into the hilarious pun 'Dandruff'. This pun required thought and creativity to invent, and that should be rewarded, not condemned. If you tell this person to, for example, 'shut their shitty shit-mouth', when is the next time they are likely to do something creative and share it with the world? Probably never. And you just made the world an uglier place. Way do go, Dandruff.



Now I understand that this may seem like a lot of information to take in all at once. To make things a bit simpler I have distilled the lessons into two basic rules.

#1. Be nice to people.
#2. When people are mean to you, be nice back to them.

Enough number twos might even cause a few number ones, and wouldn't that be something.

LOL ADMIN>

Consiglieri

When you are in the mob, you have a lot of difficult decisions to make. And when you are a king-pin in the mob, sometimes you have so many decisions to make that you can't make them all yourself.



When people find themselves in this sort of situation, they enlist an advisor, or in mob-speak, a 'consiglieri'. I, for example, am Leo's consiglieri. This means that when Leo has an important decision to make (like what to wear, or where to go shopping for clothes) he comes to me, and I use my polished analytical and reasoning skills to figure out Leo's best course of action.

"Wait a minute" you're saying, "You can't be a consiglieri, you're Irish!".

I have two responses to this:

1. I don't appreciate your tone.
2. This guy...



...was Irish, and he seemed to do a pretty good job of it, so can the attitude.

There a lot of important skills you must possess if you want to be an effective consiglieri. The most important of which:


Judgement.

Judgement is the key to making effective decisions. Try answering the questions below to see if your judgement is sharp enough to cut it as a consiglieri.

Question Number One:



You have an appointment at the dentist, but you are nervous. WHAT DO YOU DO!

A: Cancel the appointment.
B: Go to the appointment, but no kissing on the mouth.
C: Confuse the dentist by telling him: "Man, kids these days just don't appreciate the value of a point. Do you remember, back in the 80's, what appointment? Appointment so much back then". Once confused, kick his privates and flee.
D: Reschedule the appointment, for February 29th. Tsssss. Only, the thing is, wait, no wait for it, it's NOT a leap-year! Buuuuuuuuuurn!

Question Number Two:



You are out walking your dog and you come to a rail crossing. The bells are ringing and you can hear a train in the distance. You know you should stay-put but your dog is pulling on the leash and barking that it wants to cross. WHAT DO YOU DO!

A: That is not a dog, it's a cat.
B: The reason you don't know it is a cat is because you are blind and you think it is your seeing eye dog. This is also the reason that you feel a need to put an unusual amount of trust in the 'dog's' desires.
C: Your 'dog' is obviously not barking, it is meowing - like any other cat in the world. Because you have always thought your cat was a dog, you have thought of the sound it makes as a 'bark'. Logically then, you have always though dogs to be cats, and the unusual sound that actual dogs make to be called 'meowing'.
D: If you know your cat to be a dog, and the sound that it makes to be a 'bark', who is to tell you otherwise? Does reality determine our perception of it, or vice-versa?

Question Number Three:



You have to add 7 to 9 and then divide by 2. WHAT DO YOU DO!

A: Do the math, man! Just do it!
B: Do the math, in the bath!
C: M.A.T.H: Man and Trees - Harmony.
D: MATH!

Once you have finished answering all the questions tabulate your score and refer to the chart below to see if you have what it takes to be a consiglieri! The answer to every question was A!

I got them all right! - Congratulations, you have the reasoning skills of a skulking Pheonix! You could tell me what to do any time!

2 for 3! One mistake ain't bad! - Actually it is bad, very bad. In this world you ain't a cat with nine lives, oh no! You are a dog, a dirty dog, and one mistake is all you get. Unless you are owned by the blind person mentioned above, in which case you are still a dirty dog, but they think you are a cat.

1 over 3, that's a fraction! - Yes it is a fraction, very good. Too bad you weren't so clever when you were getting two out of three wrong.

I'm a big zero! - Yes you are, but don't beat yourself up over it. At least you are consistent, and that goes a long way, says a lot about a person's character. And sometimes, in this world, when all the chips are down, and there is no more room for mistakes, a person's character is really all they've got.


LOL Admin.

Slots In The Front

If Marsha Brady had been named Poker, Jan would have walked around saying "Poker, Poker, Poker!"

Well guess what folks:


I am Jan Brady.

I play a lot of poker, and when I am not playing poker I can be found thinking about poker, reading about poker, or writing acrostic poetry about poker.

P - Pair
O - Of
K - Kings?
E - Earning
R - Royalties.

So yeah, I guess it is pretty clear that I know a lot about poker. It is also becoming rather obvious that you know very little about poker. So today I decided to chip in, and lend you a hand. If we were playing right now, that last sentence was a full house.

First things first, when you are playing poker you don't want to give away what you have in your hand by doing things like:


Laughing


Crying

Or...


Showing people your cards.

All of these things will tip your opponents off as to what cards you have, and you will probably lose the hand. Except, ironically, that last dude who had four sevens, as that is pretty much impossible to beat, I think.

Which bring me to my next poker tip: What do I play?

The worst cards you can get dealt in poker are


2/7 Offsuit.

The reason these cards suck the most is because they are the lowest cards you can have that don't give you a chance at a straight or flush. This is a hand you would want to fold, unless of course you are playing a round of "Texas Worsties", in which case you go all in.

On the other hand, the best cards you can be dealt are:


Pocket Aces.

Also known as Pocket Rockets, Bullets, or American Airlines. If you see this hand you have two jobs:

Job Number One:


Don't Freak Out.

Too many people forget this rule and act like rookies when they get these cards. You gotta stay cool and collected. Try whistling, or making way too much eye contact. You could also try saying some cool shit like:

"Daddy needs to purchase some new shoes"

OR

"Luck be a lady tonight"

That should throw up a sufficient smoke-screen, so we move onto...

Job Number Two:


Go All In

While you do this, it is again important to say something cool, such as:

"Ride or die, bitches"

OR

"Looks like somebody's taking the bus home"

You can also do cool things while pushing in all your chips, to further intimidate. Some of my current faves are:


The No-Look


The Hand Jive

and...


The Cheat

That should get you where you need to go, and if it doesn't, try reading it again. Like I always say "Pore Over Knowledge: Enjoy Rewards".

LOL ADMIN>>

Complications

"Why you gotta go and make things so complicated?"
- Avril Lavigne.

Life is, indeed, complicated. From the difficult equations presented by a challenging chemistry riddle, to the complex twists and turns performed by a professional diver. Life, at times, seems nothing if not complicated.


Complicated.


Again, complicated.

It seems people spend a lot of time observing this quality in the world, often saying things like:

"This thing is very complicated".

OR

"Why does this have to be so hard?"

And while these are legitimate statements, they are focusing on the negative, and thus produce negative results. For more positve results, people should be saying things like:

"That man's physique is incredible"

OR

"That potion could probably have some beneficial effects on a man's physique"

Another problem I see alot of is people commenting that things are confusing. For example, someone makes a joke like:

Q: What did Brady tell his lady?
A: I'll a view. Whoah man, he's Ed.

And when they finish, someone close-by says something like:

"That joke was confusing"

WRONG! Just because you are feeling confused doesn't mean that the joke wasn't funny, or that the joke was confusing. You were probably confused by something earlier in the day, never got over it, and now you are taking it out on this perfectly good and funny joke. So think back, back, back:

What did you have for breakfast?

Was it confusing?

What song is in your head?

Does it make you feel confused?

Did you remember to close the window?

You seem confused.

Don't make it the jokes fault, cause the joke did nothing wrong.

Q: What did Brady tell his lady?
A: "I love you woman" he said.