WHO'S YO DADDY!
What do you call a guy with SHIT in his DNA?
Eugene Poo-Gene!

"Everybody's working for the weekend" - Loverboy.

Dug this baby out of the crates last night:

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MARY POPPINS!
Who takes care of Mr. Medicine when his mom goes to work?
His Auntie Biotic!
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Happy Tuesday.. >M<

Hello Gang!
Happy Friday everyone! What I am here to do is blast you with the funny shit to get your big butts wagging all through this regular-sized weekend. So here goes, please keep hands and toes inside the car at all times, and refrain from vomiting until the vehicle has come to a complete STOP:

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NUMBER ONE!
What do you call a grabby crab?
A selfish shellfish!

WHORE!
What do you call a shrimp with a pimp?
a trampy scampy!

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT!
You did, fuckwad!

BENVENITO A PARIS!
How do you tell a Frenchman to fuck off?
Flip him the oiseau!

WHO DOES NUMBER TWO WORK FOR?
What do you call shit-kicking shit?
Kung-Fu Bum-Poo!

CHARLIE!

What do you call Charlie answering his mom?

Answering Ma-Sheen!

HANG TEN!

What do midgets surf on?
Microwaves!

WATCH YOUR STEP!
How do you know when you've farted?
Your shorts smell like the inside of your ass!

NAP TIME!
We all know what happens when you fall asleep, what happens when sleep falls on you?
You're under a rest!

KISS MY GLASS!
Why did the window washer leave his house?
Because the glass in always cleaner on the other side!

VS!
What do you call Charlie getting in a fight with his mom?
Man Vs. Ma-Sheen!

FUCKING VEGANS!
Where does a vegetarian wear their toe-ring?
On their TOE-FOO!

CHIEF TELLING JOKE!
What do inuits listen to music on?
Native Speakers?

FUCK BRANDY!
How do you diss an aperatif?
You tell a port to teleport!

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That's it, I'm exhausted. I'm sure I have more of those suckas crawling around the dark recesses of my mind, but I'll have to write those ones later. Check this out, i'll write those ones l8r, shit yeah see what i did there? L8R! DOPE! L8R SK8R BOI! I think using the number 8 in the place of "ate" has got to be the single coolest thing ever.... Oh, shit check this out:

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DINNER TIME!
a: Why aren't you hungry?
b: B-cuz I 8 a sk8r l8r than U!

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There it is folks, I have outdone myself! I hang my hat and cry in silence at the breathtaking pinnacle of my joke writing career... ENJOI THE WEEKEND KIDS! M>

Hey gang, long time no blog.. You miss me? Since we last spoke the American men's B-Ball team has been eliminated from the Olympics. Tiger won the Tour Championship, and Ben Wallace had a breast reduction. Aren't sports weird? To celebrate our new union, I thought I would offer you some homemade jokes to get you through this gloomy Tuesday. Enjoy!
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CRIBS!
I'm not a rich man you can see,
but look between my foot and knee.
it's not a shack,
oh no siree.
I've got a MAN-SHIN
all for me!

F IS FOR FUNNY
B: Excuse me...
A: Yes?
B: Well, I don't mean to be rude, but your anus is showing...
A: A is for Anus!

HAIL KOREA
What do you say to a guy who's burning your mandu?
Man Don't!

CONSTIPATION NATION
Why can't snakes take good sized shits?
Because they are shit, and they smell like shit!

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That's it folks, see you in another two months! Try the meatballs, they taste like flesh!

WHahOO!

man this bloggo has been a boring wasteland of late hey? as charlie sheen said in Navy S.E.A.L.S "whaaaat a shithole!" I should rename it "The Lame Lab", or maybe "House of Crap". Either way, Im back now, deep breaths everybody. The reason for the hold up is that I have joined the ranks of the gainfully employed. I just finished my first week on the job at the CEC network, lika thees. It has been pretty excellent so far, im recruiting teachers to teach english in oman, UAE, colombia, argentina, china and south korea. So im on the phone alot of the day and going through resumes and emailing people. its pretty cool i must say. so thats the job, now onto the good stuff...

As Reported by THE LONDON TELEGRAPH:
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Man Sticks His Balls Together
In a bizarre incident this week in Hull, a man accidentally stuck two pool balls together demonstrating a type of molecular fusion previously unseen. While shooting snooker at the local pub Terry Graves took a good hard shot at the pink and watched mystified as the two balls quite literally fused together, with one third of his cue buried. The scene caused quite a stir, that was eventually broken up by pub manager Tom Fitzsimmons coming over and removing the balls from the table. In an even stranger twist, The University of Manchester has made a 40 thousand pound bid for the balls, while Fitzsimmons is holding out, saying: "my balls are worth a lot more than 40 large, even if they are stuck together". A Manchester University spokesman has said they believe the incident proves a highly theoretical type of fusion known as "molecular blending" whereby two solid objects - being comprised of more empty space than particles - quite literally just slide together. "The odds of such an occurrence are ten trillion to one," said the spokesman, "Mr. Fitzsimmons would be doing science a great favor by giving up his balls." At press time, Fitzsimmons wouldn't budge.
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What???? .. british people are fucked up...anyway, i gotsta take a shower, wash the stench of success off my velvet skin.. have a great weekend everybawdy...

Happy Weekend Everybody!

So it's saturday! the day we have all been waiting for.. man do i love saturdays! it's right up there, one of the best days of the week really.. in fact i would say on a scale of one to absolute irremediable shit, saturday is not doing all that bad.. like a 4 maybe, and when it is raining that drops to a 2.5, that's pretty good there saturday.
I quite enjoy this rain we are having, kind of peaceful in a way.. though it does mean mark can't go garage sailing, sorry about that buddy.. oh and good work on your homework.. a word to the rest of you, you will not get dessert until all your homework has been finished, so get cracking! i guess the rain works for nicky as he will be inside cleaning his place up for the big tonight, and i am not sure if it is raining in montreal, where julie is.. i hope it's not, i hope she is basking in the warmth of the sun as she gears up for her final finals ever!!!! and that just about covers my readership.. hmmm... if i have left you off my list if you could please identify yourself in the shout-outs and tell me, a) whether or not it is raining where you are, b) whether or not you like the rain, and c) why you didn't finish all your homework, and how disappointed in yourself you are.

so on to tonight.. saturday night, THE BIG ONE!!! should be pretty shit hot if i do say so... i have been (mickey) desparately trying to figure out a costume to wear to the ball, but nothing has worked out, so it looks like ill be referring to my old stand-by. everyone loves a vijay!

and i am getting closer and closer on the job front.. i got a message yesterday from the place that might be hiring me, asking me to call back.. which i couldnt because it was 10:45 at night.. but i think they are going to scoop me up on monday, man i hope so.. would be a hot gig..

so i will see most of you this evening, hope all is well, and have yourselves a smashing saturday!

I hereby declare thursdays: "education is the poop day"... here's my homework for school, can yoooouuuuu figure it out?
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fact-checking problem: what color is your airplane?

a fact checker was assigned the check a story on a canadian airline to appear in the business section of macleans. a passage that caused trouble is in bold; the entire lead paragraph is provided for context.

"this week more than a thousand cp air employees will gather in a massive hangar at vancouver international airport. there, they will watch the unveiling of the first dc-10 painted in the company's new colors. the bold orange and red scheme conceived in the 1960s is giving way to a more sober pattern of red white and blue."

the following exchange took place while the fact checker was going over the story with the airline's public relations person:
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fact checker: "and the new color scheme on your planes in red, white and blue."

pr guy: "no, no, no. Everybody says that."

fc: "it's not red, white and blue?"

pr guy: "no."

fc: "then what color is it?"

pr: "sky blue and cloud white. those are the official colors."

fc: "the planes are blue and white?"

pr: "no. the colors are sky blue and cloud white."

fc: "and there's no red anywhere on the plane?"

pr: "well, there's a thin red stripe separating the blue half from the white half, running the length of the plane."

fc: "so the planes are red, white and blue."

pr: "you're not listening."
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what change, if any, should the fact checker make to the sentence in question?

Where to begin...

The depressing realization in this age of dumbing down is that the questions have moved from "Was Nietzsche right about God?" to "How big was his dick?"

-David Bowie