I DID IT! Marvin right, well I just took the beating of a lifetime just to make this site fully functional. But as you well know, I'll do anything for a super fan with Hep C. Fight the good fight! And look for the album with me on the cover ( I do a rap with C-Webb, cool non?! )

I DID IT!

In the tradition of re-branding stale, crappy old products and making them into slick, delicious, marketable masterpieces I give you:




LEONARDO DICAPRIO FANHOME!

Drop in regularly for all your Leo needs. We'll have up to the minute stats ("Leo Dicaprio ate nine things yesterday"); quotes ("I don't see why I can't have friends of both sexes without wild rumors being circulated. It's crazy.") That one's actually real, and tell me about it Leo!; and of course, excerpts from my very own "The Leo Diaries: Melted by a Heart of Gold".

Can you feel the excitement folks! It's more electrifying than that scene where Leo was crying and asking his momma for junk money in The Basketball Diaries! Welcome to a new, glorious, and totally Dicaprio Day!

So The Sneeze is having an essay contest, the winner of which wins a wireless router. The catch is that the essay has to be under 100 words. I don't think i have ever had to write such a short essay, and: it, is, tough. I wrote my piece and it was like 130 words over, wha fa? Anyway, below please find my entry:



Mr. Sneezer,

This letter, hereby, is to introduce myself and apply for the position of “Old-Timey Essay Contest Winner”. Please find my resume attached. It clearly states, in no uncertain terms, that I like this thing. More to the point, it clearly illustrates and illuminates the fact that I want this thing. When I say thing I mean router. On that point I will conclude my speech and example-list, and leave you with my name. My name is Martin Flanagan.

Thank you for your time, and have a day,
Martin Flanagan.





Thoughts? Queries? Fart Jokes?

hey blogfans!

marty here writing you from what i like to call "the bell province" or "land of bells". my rapier wit, as you can see, has not been corroded by the long hours and mucho drink-mouth. jules has joined me for a couple of days, which has been lovely, and, as always, a laugh a minute. for example, just now she said to me: "let's go to cora's for some brekie munchers" and i'm all like: "more like hard-cora's" to which she responded: "hard-cora's begs and achin!" i tell you gang, my BELLY was achin' after that zinger. oh, and so you know, the new "SNAP" is "ZAP". use it early and often, this thing is taking the von-dutch route. must run, looks like i'm back on friday ("frying-pan day"), so i will see you all then.

miss you bunches, marv.

Britney threw down the following poem on her subscription-only website about her honeymoon with Fenderline. I will withhold comment at this time.

A honeymoon at last, to get away from it all
My assistant Fe gave me the call.

I remember it well, as she was smilin'
She said it was called Turtle Island.

I packed my bags light and quick,
Then grabbed my pink dress & favorite lipstick.

We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I slept really well, all through the night.

As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are greeting us right at the shore.

A meal, a shower and some ice cream
Then I threw my man down, you know what I mean!

Magical nights filled with stars
Silence is golden, no running cars.

Private dinners, romantic fires
Little piece of heaven, whatever your heart desires.

Friendly "hellos" and never goodbyes
When you're having fun, oh, how time flies!

As we sit and prepare to make our part
I thank you, Turtle Island, with all my heart!

i smiled at Susan and said:
"buck up Sue, shit,
you look so fucking sad"
but she didn't want to hear it:
"you look so fucking sad". Right.
"i mean, why do you have to take
everything so serious?"
"why can't you even try
to let it go a bit".
"I'll tell you why, fucker,
i'll tell you , i'll tell you,
i'll tell you.."

Here is a poem that I wrote on the subway this morning:


I'm cutting open my stomach
to see what's inside.
Digging out a bowl of sorts,
carving it out like a pumpkin.
Ribs breaking and scratching
as I burrow deeper,
Dry broken skin
raising up in a soft rounded
edge, hugging the bowl.

Come sit with me, by my side
hold my hand as I weather away.
Grab a scoop and dig with me,
shovel out my shit.
Drench your hands in my warm pink juices.

I'm getting carried/carry me away.



2:48- Not bad for a first go, but certainly a little gross. And I didn't title it, oish!

Yeah you'd better watch out
if your going to throw that dogshit in the toilet (pollution man)
yeah you'd better watch out
if you are not re-cy-cle-ing! (pollution man)

cause he's going to kick your ass
if you don't shut the water while you brush your teeth (brush your teeth)
and he'll get real pissed off
if you leave a frickin' light on when you goin' to sleeeeeeep!

Cause he's mean, and green, POLLUTION MAN!
A butt-kicking machine, POLLUTION MAN!
But a machine that runs on fossil fuels and fart gas, fart gas, FART GAS...

POLLUTION MAN!

This week on POLLUTION MAN, a strange force is taking over the city. People everywhere are polluting! Pouring coffee on the ground so they don't spill it while driving. Spitting gum and cigarrette butts on the sidewalk and putting candy wrappers on tree-planters!! What is going on in our fine city? What evil force is causing this pollution? This looks like a job for... POLLUTION MAN!

PD: Yo Pollution Man, we gotta stop all this polluting before the city becomes a wasteland of dirty syringes and coffe cups!
PM: You are damn right Pollution Dude, lets get to work!!


TO THE RESCUE!!!!!

PM: Look, the people are all polluting because they forgot that their environment loves them!!!
PD: What are we going to do Pollution Man?
PM: I GOT IT!!! PEOPLE OF EARTH, CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION. IF YOU COULD ALL LOOK UP AT THE SUN FOR A BRIEF MOMENT, I THINK YOU WILL REMEMBER SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU ARE FORGETTING!!!


"It's Beautiful!"

PEOPLE: We're sorry pollution man, we forgot that the earth loves us!! Thank you for saving us from pollution!
PM: Don't say sorry, just pick the crap off the ground and stop pollutioning!
PEOPLE: YAAAAAAY!!!


POLLUTION MAN!

(Time for a sing along)

Blog, Blog, Blog, it's time to Blog. (sing with me...)
Bloggy Bloggy Fun Time, time to Blog.
Here comes a funny, joke about something,
or a really wacky picture that will make you giggle (tee hee hee hee)

(Change of pace)
Bloggiiiiiiing is my only releassssse!
It makes me feel free, free as a bird,
I spread my wings of words, and take fliiiiiiight!

Phrases and sentences like currents of soft warm air (soft warm air)
feeling the nouns and the verbs rushing through my hair! (through my hair)
Why can't i live so free, so free everyday,
as when I'm writing my Blog, I'm Blogging, I'm Blogging awaaaaaaaaaaaay!

(Hip hop extravaganza)
Yo i'm rappin about bloggin'
look at me rap, about bloggin'
look at a map, when your loggin'
so you don't cut down the wrong maple treee.. SNAP.

For me (spoken word)
blogging is like, life maaan,
you gotta make choices, when you blog,
like life,
do you post a joke? or a funny picture?
you decide your own future,
des-tinny, tin drum beat
rhythmic like a heart beat
like a subtle swallow beats, it's wings,
mild, hot, or suicide?

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

Nov. 22, 1921 - Oct. 05, 2004