BLOGGY RHYMEDOWN: THE PREQUEL

Blog blog blog (sing with me)
it's time to blog,
bloggy bloggy fun time,
it's time to blog!

I can write a blog
about Leo D
and how the Aviator is coming to a theater near me!

I rock out!
Cause I am a punk rock blogger!
fuck blogs, i don't even give a shit
about stupid bloggys
unless they are about how shitty the government is
and then I love those fuckin' balowaaaaaags!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Blog!
Blog who?
Blogreat big bubbles with your Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum!

I can't stop rappin'
when a blog's involved
it's like an unsolved mystery
that's gotta be solved
it's a natural thing
like how the apes evolved
into men and women and birds and dogs and dolphiiiiiiinnnnns.

My freestyle words
are wonderful things
and you better come a runnin
when the dinner bell rings
cause i'm serving bloggy rhymes
like a mockingbird sings.

TWEET, A TWEET
A TWEETY TWEET
TWEET TWEET TWEET
A TWEETY TWEET.

DING, DONG!
Lewis honey, who's at the door?
It's a blog momma, and it's got all kinds of Leo pics on it!
Yeah but does it feature poo-poo jokes?
Yes ma'am, it sure does!
Well then let it in, were having company for dinner!

Yo, one time I had to have a rap battle with a turtlllllllle!
I ripped up that tortoise!

I was like:
"Rap any speed you want TURTLE,
I'm still gonna win this lyrical footrace!"

And he was like:
"I'm harder than the shell on my back,
you must be smokin crack
cause your rhymes are so whack,
and by crack I mean the one at the bottom of your back,
the brown one, beside ya nutsack, below ya dinky,
humans are stinkyyyyyyyyyyy!"

And I was all:
"Fuck that you green skinned amphibian,
you look like Mike Bibby 'n
your skin is dry and crocodilian,
or are you a reptile?
Make up your mind you stupid herbivore!"

And then the groundhog got the crowd to vote and I won!


"While Leonardo was not banished from
the forest, he could never bring himself
to return".

Die Poor Cairo Land!

It is Weekend Time Again!

WHAM WHAM WHAM..... WEEKEND!

The first news of the day is: This little dude bug to the left has now become a parmanent fixture of the Leo fanhome. He has truly set the bar for funniness to lofty new heights. We shall call him Terrence, and we will imagine him telling us the Leo fact of the day and all will be good in the world.

Moving on, I am going to see the Raps tonight. It will be my second consecutive home game, so I can pretend I am some kind of short-term season tickets holder that for some reason sits in different sections at every game. Lovely. Wait, look at Terrence! Oh hell yeah. You my boy T!

And finally, I have decided to try a three minute slamdown as originaly seen on TOTAOL (RIP). What better way to start the weekend than a little spontaneous Leo literature... Here goes:


Look at luscious Leo lying lovely on the beach. Soft golden locks dusting his gently sloping shoulders. Look at Gisele, spry and graceful! The handle is a boon fair Giselle, your long lovely legs. I can see you now, bounding high through the mist into the arms of your beloved. But why won't you tie the knot you two crazed children? Why won;t you make your love and take your love to a level higher than that of playful youths? Surely two such healthy attractive specimens as yourselves have enjoyed eachother in a physical capacity? Why then can you not share your souls.... What are you doing today young couple, cuter than cute couple? riding on a boat or lounging on the beach even more and more than one could ever hope to lay the responsibilities of life out to dry. basking in a life of love, fawned over by the locals, breeding with the tribesmen? Leo, will you take a lover of a tribesman? will you enjoy the local culture? taste the tastier, more tempestuous fruits of this "island" you have made your home? i suggest you do fair sir, i suggest you spread your legs and arms and soul and embrace your new tribal instincts and do the noble thing sir, you know the meaning of nobility do you not gisele? then let Leo walk his path, straight to the arms of the besotted chieftain that hungers for your leo and watch as he slakes the cravings of one man, one island, and one lifetimee.



3:34 - though i had to stop the timer for a moment when i got a phone call, so that is somewhat "estimated". It is also fair to say that i somewhat want to "erase it", though I suppose that would defeat the purpose. Anyway, have a great weekend, and don't get bit by that flu-bug that's going around!!!


What me worry?

DREAM WHALE

THIS JUST IN...


Whales make me feel like: INSPIRED!



I - Ingesting
N - Nutty
S - Squirrel
P - Poops
I - In
R - Rosedale
E - Every
D - Day



(what do you think little man?)

I hear you.

A Very Simpson Christmas

Season's Greetings!

Hope everybody has finished their Christmas shopping and is ready to kick back and enjoy the festive season, eggnog in hand, crackling fire, the jolly sound of old St. Nick stomping around the snowy rooftops! What a time of year! But you know what happens if you don't finish your Christmas shopping? Yes, that's right! Santa eats your heart! Bummer!

Moving on, I was shopping for some CD's today, and I picked up the new Ashlee Simpson record. It is burning up the charts and I just had to see what all the fuss was about. Well my goodness was I in for a shock! This Ashlee is not the sweet little sister of the moralistic starlet I like to call "Jesse Essy". I guess I was a little naive, thinking the old addage "sex sells" could be put on hold, at least through the holidays. Apparently not. I have transcribed some of her lyrics below so you can see for yourself, prepare to be mortified:

------------------------------------------------

"Pieces Of Me"

On a Monday, I am horny
Tuesday, I am horny
And by Wednesday, I can't sleep
Then the phone rings, I hear you
And the darkness makes me horny
Cause you've come to rescue me

Fall... With you, I fall so fast
I can hardly catch my breath, I hope it lasts

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, poosay, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

When I'm angry, you listen
Make me happy it's your mission
And you won't stop til I'm there

Fall... Sometimes I fall so fast
When you hit that bottom
Crash! you're all I have

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way ass feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you known me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me

On a Monday, I am horny
And by Tuesday, I am fading into your ass...
So I can dream

[Chorus:]
Ohhhhh
It seems like I can finally rest my head on something real
I like the way that feels
Ohhhhh
It's as if you've know me better than I ever knew myself
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
Ohhhhh
I love how you can tell
All the pieces, poosays, pieces of me
All the pieces, pieces, pieces of me...

----------------------------------------------------

Like, I know right! If Britney is a MILF, that would make Ashlee a TILW - Trollop I'd Like to Wallop! She should be ashamed. And at Christmas time to boot! Singin' about getting her ass whacked on Christmas, boo I say, boo to you Ms. Simpson. What do you think Leo?



'nuff said.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS ALL!

Word Fun

So this post isn't going to have anything to do with Leo Dicaprio, sorry to disappoint. Instead I though I would go with this new word game I though of just now. Rules below.

1. I pick a letter and then write a sentence.
2. In the sentence, every word starting with that letter signifies the OPPOSITE of what word should be there.
3. Decode for hours of fun and amusement!

For example: "F"

"free cars are fancy and fun."

which would mean:

"Expensive cars are basic and boring."

Get it? I know it wasn't funny, that's why I burned it in the EXAMPLE section.
Try this hilarity on for size...

"L"

"Little ladies with long legs give shitty, uncomfortable hugs!"

ZAP! FUN-E! How about this...

"C"

"so you say you can't stomach cooked hot-dogs? Try chewing dog-shit!"

Yessssss.....

And finally...

"P and H"

"Pretty pimps make for hard hens and horny housewives."

ZING! That last one got a little raunchy! That is if any of this is actually making any sense to anyone! Holla if you hear me!.... (silence)(sound of crickets)(lone tear down the cheek)

The Golden Boy

Hey Leo Heads!

It has been a busy week folks, what with Leo getting the Golden Globe nod for The Aviator, and his rare appearance on the Oprah Winfrey Show! That's a lot of Leo! I almost OD'd!

Now I don't want to jinx anything, but...okay, here goes: "Leo will win the Golden Globe for Best Actor". There I said it. Whew! That wasn't too bad. Alright why not? "Leo is going to win a fricking Oscar!" Whoah man that felt good. Just imagine L.D standing in front of the assembled masses: the live crowd, A-Listers and starlets abound; the betting types, sitting with their Oscar pool money on the table, cursing themselves for picking Paul Giamatti; all unified in their love and appreciation for Leo, the murmers, then the whispers giving way to a low rumble, and if you turn your T.V up and lean in real close you can start to make out the words, sinking together into a slow, loving chant, "we're sorry Leo, we were wrong to doubt you and make fun, we are stupid, stupid people Leo". Perfection.

The one drawback is that a win would launch Leo into the realm of "mainstream-movie-superstardom", and away from the low-key, indie-arthouse type stuff that he has been pursuing for the past few years. What can I say folks, some are meant for greatness!



PS- Due to a late resurgence of the cult idea, I have left the poll so our finalists can scrap it out for first place. Vote now folks, this is Leo's future we are talking about...

SO MUCH FOR ENDURING LOVE

So, our boy Leo is many things, but one thing he seems NOT to be is the "commitment-type". How appropriate is it that Leo is playing the womanizing Howard Hughes in the upcoming bio-pic The Aviator? It is very appropriate. Very appropriate indeed. Yes.

Leo has, in fact, been linked to more than 20 Hollywood starlets, and he just turned thirty! At this rate I estimate by the time he is 40 he will have boned somewhere between 70 and 90 starlets! That's almost a hundred starlets! HOLY! If you want more info on Leo and his ladies you can get all the goods HERE.

The point of this little ramble is this: It is time for Leo to settle down, so I have put together the little poll you see below (bottom of the page). If everyone could please voice their opinions I will gather all of the data, and compile a theory for what would make Leo happiest in his life. Once complete, I will email my theory to Leo, and all kinds of hilarity will (or will not) ensue. Let's give it a shot!


PS - I am having some trouble formatting this puppy. If you could please give me some feedback in the shoutouts on whether or not the site looks right on your comp I would appreciate it. Love is all around us, M.

FUTURE WORLD

Check out my new Leo page! New colors and a site meter and shout outs and everaythang cool that exists under the sun! In the coming days and weeks this site will be a beacon of joy and deliciousness to birghten your glum and un-delicious days (should you have any days that are any less than super-lish). Like watch this: LEO DONALD DICAPRIO! See what i did, I made you think of Leo, which in turn made you happy, which in turn made you love me (and Leo).


RAAAR!

I DID IT! Marvin right, well I just took the beating of a lifetime just to make this site fully functional. But as you well know, I'll do anything for a super fan with Hep C. Fight the good fight! And look for the album with me on the cover ( I do a rap with C-Webb, cool non?! )

I DID IT!

In the tradition of re-branding stale, crappy old products and making them into slick, delicious, marketable masterpieces I give you:




LEONARDO DICAPRIO FANHOME!

Drop in regularly for all your Leo needs. We'll have up to the minute stats ("Leo Dicaprio ate nine things yesterday"); quotes ("I don't see why I can't have friends of both sexes without wild rumors being circulated. It's crazy.") That one's actually real, and tell me about it Leo!; and of course, excerpts from my very own "The Leo Diaries: Melted by a Heart of Gold".

Can you feel the excitement folks! It's more electrifying than that scene where Leo was crying and asking his momma for junk money in The Basketball Diaries! Welcome to a new, glorious, and totally Dicaprio Day!