Mar 1, 2005

Ray, Eh?


Leonardo Dicaprio

The Departed (2006)
The Aviator (2004)
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
Gangs of New York (2002)
Don's Plum (2001
The Beach (2000)
Celebrity (1998)
The Man in the Iron Mask (1998)
Titanic (1997)
Marvin's Room (1996)
Romeo + Juliet (1996)
Total Eclipse (1995)
The Basketball Diaries (1995)


Jamie Foxx

Ray (2004/I)
Collateral (2004)
Breakin' All the Rules (2004)
Redemption: The Stan Tookie Williams Story (2004)
Shade (2003)
Ali (2001)
Date from Hell (2001)
Bait (2000)
Any Given Sunday (1999)
Held Up (1999)
The Players Club (1998/I)
Booty Call (1997)
"The Jamie Foxx Show" (1996)
The Great White Hype (1996)
The Truth About Cats & Dogs (1996)
"C-Bear and Jamal" (1996)

-----------------------------------

I can't even verbalize right now, i'll have to update later in the week. I mean, the guy played "Bunz" in Booty Call! Shouldn't that eliminate you from Oscar consideration for, i dont know, your career?

i feel like this:


sad.

Feb 25, 2005

One Last Word

As we enter Oscar weekend the buzz is that Jamie Foxx is looking like a lock for Best Actor on Sunday. What a sad day it would be if the second best comic to come from the great insititution that was Living Color beats Leo for the statuette. What am I saying? Bite my turbulent tongue! I don't know what came over me to speak so darkly, so pessimistically about my Leo. Aargh! That was so not like me! Not fetch at all. Of course Leo is going to win, the stars are aligned! The O.C finally got itself back on track last night, Shaq's knee injury ain't so bad, and i think I actually bought the coolest shoes ever made at lunch today:


Believe it.

So everything's coming up roses! Leo can't miss! So stop all the playa hating and keep your fingers crossed on Sunday, when Leo will become, truly, the King of the World!

Out to Lunch

Yo man you're out to lunch
because your bum bum's out to lunch
you're out to lunch
like that punk-ass Cap'n crunch
you so crazy
like you totally out to lunch
you hungry? missed brunch?
OUT TO LUNCH!

What's up lunch?
what's up bum-bum?
what's up with your bum-bum?
TOTALLY OUT TO LUNCH!

what's up with your towel's
what's up with your dictionary
what's up with your pictionary
TOTALLY OUT TO LUNCH!

get back down to earth, with yo' crazy bunnsies
get over here and straighten up, you look home-less
TOTALLY OUT TO LUNCH!

Feb 16, 2005

10 Things I Hate About Russell Crowe

New Joke!
Q: Who hates Russell Crowe?
A: Everyone on the earth even the animals and the plants and the molecules!


Jackass.

How is it that Russell Crowe is even famous? Really, if you took a vote of everyone on earth they would all agree on three things:

1. Russell Crowe should not be famous.
2. It is questionable whether or not Russell Crowe should even be alive.
3. Leo Dicaprio should be dipped in gold and covered in diamonds.

And so, blog-heads, I give you my list of 10 Things I Hate About Russell Crowe:



Number 1. He is Australian...

Like this guy...

...and this guy...

...And this guy.



Number 2.

His band, “30 Odd Foot of Grunts”, originally toured under the name “The Singer’s the Guy who Boffed Meg Ryan”.

Number 3.

Believing himself to be “old-school” (on account of his appearance in Cinderella Man) he drives a car with no headlamps.

Number 4.

When someone coughs he says “Robitussin”, and claims he's being 'subversive'.

Number 5.

After taking violin lessons in preparation for his role in “Master and Commander: Far Side of the World” he went on to write 8 songs for his band featuring violin or cello, one of which was named “The Weeping Strings of Catalonia”.

Number 6.

Refers to his dandruff as “God’s breakfast”.

Number 7.

Claims the idea for Major League Baseball’s divisional realignment and wildcard format was his.

Number 8.

Can’t pronounce “pantyhose”, and yet he wears them to bed.

Number 9.

Changed the name of his street in Australia to “Raw Silk Rowe”.

Number 10.

Still tells the “rubber balls and liquor” joke at cocktail parties.

And just for good measure, we'll make it 11:

A turn of your head says
I've met you before,
You say that's not possible
But I could have sworn,
That I asked you the difference
Between sensuous and sexy,
You said “I know who you are”,
That kind of perplexed me.

- 30 Odd Foot of Grunts
“Inside her Eyes”



Boy, me and Leo suuuure hate Russell Crowe, don't we Leo?

LEO: I love you Marty.
ME: I know Leo, I know.

Feb 11, 2005

C'mon Baby, Do The Twist!

Well well. Quite the beating I took over the whole Pauly Shore thing. Fair enough I suppose, Pauly’s subtle genius is obviously not for everyone/stupid people. But you know what is? TONGUE TWISTERS!

I want everyone to have fun with these, but I also want you to be careful. The last thing I would want would be you dudes ending up with a broken tongue and trying to sue the fanhome.

That would not be very “fetch”.



LET'S GET IT ON!



”The detective’s directive’s elective’s defective”.
- the case of the cloned Kleenex. Difficulty: 5/10. Just getting you warmed up.


“Dwayne Wayne’s plain refrain? - No pain, no gain, no mane? Rogaine!”
-Challenging AND inspirational. 7/10.


“Pucker for a bucker sucker puck a licker dicker fucker”
- that one is for adults. Expert adults! 8/10!


“Britney’s shit knee smells like chutney!”
-a little less challenging, though truthful. 6/10.


How about a quick break before we get into the really tough ones?


I like to do this little exercise to loosen up the tongue for some more twisting, say it with me:

“la la loo loo
pee pee poo poo
piss pot piss pot
poo poo poo”

Feel better? More mature? Good, cause now it’s time to get serious…


“Bent and dented residents spent rented cents on repented demented gents”.
-Snap, word to mother! 9/10



“Skittles make little dumpy spittle monkeys grumpy”
-aw shit, I just broke ya cheekbone! 9/10.


And finally:

“Two booze sips on a cruise ship’s crew’s trip. Bar-tip? Parsnip. Tip Jip = Bruised lips ooze drips. Blood Flood Boat Trip!”
-that is a 10/10. if you can actually say that one you might be a serpent.



Have a great weekend everybody! Say “hi” to the tongue-tician for me as he untangles your twisted yap trap!


Feb 3, 2005

The Fake Julie

fake_julie
fake_julie,
originally uploaded by Leonardo Dicaprio.
Check this out! For everyone who has had the pleasure to meet my girlfriend, doen't the chick in the red coat look like her! And the real Julie has a red coat! And she snowboards! I am starting to think Julie may have a secret life as a Abercrombie model. Hmmmmm, secrets...

Jan 31, 2005

The Golden Boy - Part II

A lot of things have changed since I last wrote. I have changed. I changed on Saturday evening. How you ask? The truth is, I am not wholly sure yet, the change being of spirit, mind and soul. I can, however, tell you this much for sure:

FACT: Leo Dicaprio is the single greatest actor of his generation.
FACT: In the Martin Scorcese directed “The Aviator” he has given us not only the performance of his young, and blindingly promising career – but he has also given us, hands down, the performance of the year, male or female.
FACT: The fact that Leo keeps wanting to work with a guy named “Martin” may or may not mean that we are kindred spirits (but it probably does).


American Idol

YOU: Whoah whoah, isn’t that a bit of a strong reaction to the Titanic dude?
ME: No, as a matter of fact, it is most certainly not. Your reference to Titanic indicates that you are having a hard time getting by Leo’s handsome face and seeing him for the actor (and gentleman) that he is. Don’t pigeon-hole him dude, don’t get freaked that he is so good looking and lose sight of his other merits. He is the total package, so just sit back and drink it in. He is really good, and in really good form, and you would be doing yourselves a great disservice to do anything less that watch, enjoy and celebrate his feats.
YOU: But the movie was so loooong, and the part where he got in the accident and burned his hands on the glass of his cockpit seemed sickly comical in the heat of the moment!
ME: True and true. But you don’t start complaining about the quality of champagne if it is served in a Styrofoam cup, do you? Or saying you don’t like Haagen Daaz if it is served on a piece of disgusting pumpkin pie? Or discredit the validity of a third, completely relevant example, just because it is completely unnecessary, as the point was clearly made by the first example? No, No and NO. Leo shines bright, and while the movie as a whole is maybe not the best picture of the year, this does nothing to tarnish Leo’s stellar performance. You could even argue that his performance is even more spectacular on account of it being in a somewhat less than spectacular movie.
YOU: Bullshit! A performance should be viewed in relation to the quality of the movie that it’s in? So Matt Leblanc should win for Ed?
ME: Of course not, that’s just stupid. First of all: Ed was a pile of shit, about a baseball-playing monkey, whereas The Aviator was a very good (almost excellent movie), and well deserving of its Best Picture nomination. All I am saying is that any flaws you can point out with the movie did nothing to tarnish the excellence of Leonardo’s performance. It was, at all times, nothing short of brilliant. And while we are on the topic of the movie content, it is also worth noting that Leo (as discussed with Jules on the way home from the film) signed up for this movie based on the basic premise that it would be, essentially, a movie about how good an actor he is. And he pulled it off in spades! It is the ultimate coup for any actor, let alone the baby faced kid who eight short years ago was thought to be nothing more than a pin-up. It is a truly commendable accomplishment, one that cements an actor in the annals of Hollywood lore, and while I am far from a film scholar, I would question if it has ever been done by an actor so young. While oft attempted, it is a recipe that delivers far fewer Oscars (Tom Hanks – Forrest Gump) than flops (virtually every movie Russell Crowe has ever made ESPECIALLY “A Beautiful Mind” which was, in so many ways, a shitty, bizarro version of “The Aviator”, and still managed to get Crowe a best actor nom).
YOU: Are you finished?
ME: Yes, I suppose I am, why do you ask?
YOU: Because I love Leo now!
ME: Not as much as I do!
YOU: But will he win the Oscar?
ME: He has to.
YOU: But what about Clint Eastwood?
ME: Clint Eastwood is good, but his best days (as an actor) are behind him. He’s geriatric, and you shouldn’t get an Oscar for crying in a movie. Even if you are Clint Eastwood. Leo is too good to ignore. It is the only way.
YOU: Didn’t you call this back in December?
ME: I did. On Dec. 14th in a post titled “The Golden Boy”, I wrote:

"Leo will win the Golden Globe for Best Actor". There I said it. Whew! That wasn't too bad. Alright why not? "Leo is going to win a fricking Oscar!" Whoah man that felt good. Just imagine L.D standing in front of the assembled masses: the live crowd, A-Listers and starlets abound; the betting types, sitting with their Oscar pool money on the table, cursing themselves for picking Paul Giamatti; all unified in their love and appreciation for Leo, the murmers, then the whispers giving way to a low rumble, and if you turn your T.V up and lean in real close you can start to make out the words, sinking together into a slow, loving chant, "we're sorry Leo, we were wrong to doubt you and make fun, we are stupid, stupid people Leo". Perfection.

YOU: How are you holding up now that it is all so close to becoming a reality?
ME: I am just fine thank you, cool as a fan. I think Oprah put it best when she said:



“Go get your Oscar, Leo!”

Jan 22, 2005

Bran Van 3000

Yo Blogfans!
It has been a while since i blogged, i feel drained, lifeless. I am currently in scenic:

VANCOUVER CANADA!

Last week i was in:
ALGARY ALBERTA! and

(drumroll.....)



EDMONTON!!!

next week i am going to:


TULSA!


historic:

Albuquerque!

before wrapping the week in:

scientific:

DOLPHINICA!

my tummy is still somewhat rotten from the 30 pounds of beef i ingested in Alberta. They really do, as they say, "bring the beef in the 'Berta". They always say that.

In other news, I saw "Fighter Pilot" at IMAX today, it was a total thrill. What i learned is: "There is no better job than that of a fighter pilot, and nothing in the world worse than a war". I got moralled good at the IMAX.

The pilot was good, but we missed "Santa vs. The Snowman 3D" by a week. That would have been, "The Real Beef-Ball", as they say.



OTHER THINGS THEY SAY:

"Can't milk a cow without grabbin' a little tit".

True.

"That piss heap is making me thirsy".

Now that's just gross.

I'm going for sushi, i promise my posts won't suck/offend as much as this one once i return to "On-Terrible", get it? (They really do say that).

bb4n - m.u.d (miss you dudes). M.

Jan 13, 2005

BLOGGY RHYMEDOWN: THE PREQUEL

Blog blog blog (sing with me)
it's time to blog,
bloggy bloggy fun time,
it's time to blog!

I can write a blog
about Leo D
and how the Aviator is coming to a theater near me!

I rock out!
Cause I am a punk rock blogger!
fuck blogs, i don't even give a shit
about stupid bloggys
unless they are about how shitty the government is
and then I love those fuckin' balowaaaaaags!

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Blog!
Blog who?
Blogreat big bubbles with your Hubba Bubba Bubble Gum!

I can't stop rappin'
when a blog's involved
it's like an unsolved mystery
that's gotta be solved
it's a natural thing
like how the apes evolved
into men and women and birds and dogs and dolphiiiiiiinnnnns.

My freestyle words
are wonderful things
and you better come a runnin
when the dinner bell rings
cause i'm serving bloggy rhymes
like a mockingbird sings.

TWEET, A TWEET
A TWEETY TWEET
TWEET TWEET TWEET
A TWEETY TWEET.

DING, DONG!
Lewis honey, who's at the door?
It's a blog momma, and it's got all kinds of Leo pics on it!
Yeah but does it feature poo-poo jokes?
Yes ma'am, it sure does!
Well then let it in, were having company for dinner!

Yo, one time I had to have a rap battle with a turtlllllllle!
I ripped up that tortoise!

I was like:
"Rap any speed you want TURTLE,
I'm still gonna win this lyrical footrace!"

And he was like:
"I'm harder than the shell on my back,
you must be smokin crack
cause your rhymes are so whack,
and by crack I mean the one at the bottom of your back,
the brown one, beside ya nutsack, below ya dinky,
humans are stinkyyyyyyyyyyy!"

And I was all:
"Fuck that you green skinned amphibian,
you look like Mike Bibby 'n
your skin is dry and crocodilian,
or are you a reptile?
Make up your mind you stupid herbivore!"

And then the groundhog got the crowd to vote and I won!


"While Leonardo was not banished from
the forest, he could never bring himself
to return".


Jan 7, 2005

Die Poor Cairo Land!

It is Weekend Time Again!

WHAM WHAM WHAM..... WEEKEND!

The first news of the day is: This little dude bug to the left has now become a parmanent fixture of the Leo fanhome. He has truly set the bar for funniness to lofty new heights. We shall call him Terrence, and we will imagine him telling us the Leo fact of the day and all will be good in the world.

Moving on, I am going to see the Raps tonight. It will be my second consecutive home game, so I can pretend I am some kind of short-term season tickets holder that for some reason sits in different sections at every game. Lovely. Wait, look at Terrence! Oh hell yeah. You my boy T!

And finally, I have decided to try a three minute slamdown as originaly seen on TOTAOL (RIP). What better way to start the weekend than a little spontaneous Leo literature... Here goes:


Look at luscious Leo lying lovely on the beach. Soft golden locks dusting his gently sloping shoulders. Look at Gisele, spry and graceful! The handle is a boon fair Giselle, your long lovely legs. I can see you now, bounding high through the mist into the arms of your beloved. But why won't you tie the knot you two crazed children? Why won;t you make your love and take your love to a level higher than that of playful youths? Surely two such healthy attractive specimens as yourselves have enjoyed eachother in a physical capacity? Why then can you not share your souls.... What are you doing today young couple, cuter than cute couple? riding on a boat or lounging on the beach even more and more than one could ever hope to lay the responsibilities of life out to dry. basking in a life of love, fawned over by the locals, breeding with the tribesmen? Leo, will you take a lover of a tribesman? will you enjoy the local culture? taste the tastier, more tempestuous fruits of this "island" you have made your home? i suggest you do fair sir, i suggest you spread your legs and arms and soul and embrace your new tribal instincts and do the noble thing sir, you know the meaning of nobility do you not gisele? then let Leo walk his path, straight to the arms of the besotted chieftain that hungers for your leo and watch as he slakes the cravings of one man, one island, and one lifetimee.



3:34 - though i had to stop the timer for a moment when i got a phone call, so that is somewhat "estimated". It is also fair to say that i somewhat want to "erase it", though I suppose that would defeat the purpose. Anyway, have a great weekend, and don't get bit by that flu-bug that's going around!!!


What me worry?