EASY ANSWERS

Net-Heads, Net-Heads, Net-Heads.

Greetings Net-Heads!

Mr. Weapon put up some delicious movie reviews today ("Weapon" link to your left) and it inspired me to tell you about a little flick I saw last night called:


THE MOVIE IS CALLED PRIMER!!!

So I don't want to give too much away, but in the movie these two guys invent a:

***WARNING - VERY VERY MILD EARLY-MOVIE SPOILER AHEAD - STOP READING NOW IF YOU ARE ONE OF THESE UPPITY TYPES WHO GETS ALL PISSY IF SOMEONE TELLS YOU LIKE EVEN SOME MUNDANE DETAIL ABOUT A MOVIE LIKE WHO DIRECTED IT OR HOW LONG IT IS OR THAT TWO GUYS INVENT A TIME MACHINE IN IT***

TIME MACHINE!!!

I know right! Awesome! Or, as a hacker would say:

011101000110100001100001011101000010000001110000011
011000110111101110100001000000110110001101001011011
100110010100100000011100110110111101110101011011100
110010001110011001000000110001101101111011011110110
110001100101011100100010000001110100011010000110000
101101110001000000111010001101000011001010010000001
100100011010010110011101101001011101000110000101101
100001000000110010101100110011001100110010101100011
011101000111001100100000011010010110111000100000010
011100110000101110010011011100110100101100001

(It's binary babies. Get hip to it.)

So these dudes are not only have the ability to TRANSCEND TIME but they also must deal with some important MORAL DILEMMAS. These moral dilemmas include:


1. What to call the time machine!


A: In the end they backed off Mikey Trasuttimonkol in favor of the more fan-friendly "Rhombus" (geometric shape with no sides or angles).


2. Can you put a time-machine in a time-machine?


A: Yes, but the results are.. tssss, no no wait for it, wait for it... timeless!!?!


3. Can a time-machine be taught to love?


A: Yes, in fact, contrary to popular belief, time machines are based on love.


And finally, perhaps the toughest question of all:

4. What does time travel feel like?



I'm afraid that to this one, there are no easy answers. Right Leo?


LEO: There are no easy answers.

Right Leo?


LEO: There are no easy answers.

Right Leo?

8:27 AM.

One From the Crates

So I saw Mr. Hennessy last night and he told me that while he enjoys my blogosphere, he wishes I would post more frequently. Fair enough. What Mr. Hennessy did not realize - and what you may not either - is that I actually write alot more posts than I post. These posts get saved as drafts and never see the light of day. I can be fairly selective as to what I deem suitable for the fanhome.

This led to the following comment from my sister:

Rosemary: So you are saying that you are picky about what you post, and yet you still put up that creepy thing about brain-signs two weeks ago?

That is a whole other conversation. The point here is that I have decided to drag one of these old boys out, dust it off, and make you read it.

To set the scene, this post was to be the first one after the change back from "Cat Country" (ironically, the first thing I did post was the Brain-Signs, which I happen to like, so there). It would also have been shortly after my lovely girl-friend Julie fled the country to visit California.

Ready...GO!


Ah, that's better hey? I was getting pretty creeped out by the whole cat thing, it is so nice to be back in the pleasant confines of the LDF. Sort of like sliding on your favorite pair of moccasins, feeling the cool buck-hide against your skin...


Nothing beats a soft moc.

My lovely girlfriend Jules is currently travelling in California. I am lonely, and if you run into me I will probably look like this:


Bummed.

But if she's happy, I'm happy, so I may also look like this:


Chillin'

So while it is hard to say exactly how I will be doing emotionally, it is safe to say that I will (and do) look like Adam Brody.

Ms. G is currently in:

Delicious:

San Francisco!

When finished there she will be heading to:

Provocative:

Lake Tahoe!

Misunderstood:

Los Angeles

and finally:

Vegas Baby,

Vegas!

I am guessing Vegas will be the highlight, as that is where she can spot one of our favorite things: A CELEBRITY!

Celebrities are people who are cool and hot and get talked about in gossip magazines like In Touch and US Weekly. For example:


James Caan is a celebrity.

And also:

Judy Dench is a celebrity.

Some celebrities are so hot they are known by one name. Those super-celebrities include:


Arsenio.


Leo.

and...

Dench.

So Jules, wherever you are at this very moment, I hope you are happy and well, and that the super-celebs are more plentiful than a summers day in Yorkville. See you soon Natalie, see you soon.

LOL Admin.



So there it is, not so bad I guess. And if you thought that one was good, wait till you get a load of Brain-Signs: Redux. It's going to be the biggest thing since cranial-electrode diffusion.

LOL Administrator

Hello Webizens!

So people are always like "Holy shit guy! What's up with your sweet handle "LOL Administrator?"
And then I'm all: "What do you mean what's up with it?"
And they're like: "What the frick is a LOL!"
And then I laugh and laugh.

So to clear up any confusion, "LOL" is an abbreviation of "Lots of Love", and is used in chat-rooms when someone says something nice or funny and you want to let them know that you love them, like so:

Redgirl04: I hate homework!
FlwrPwr: So do I, and my parents are sooo annoying.
Redgirl04: I know right! We should make your parents do my homework!
FlwrPwr: LOL!

Awesome I know. And I know what you are thinking: "Man, this guy must know a lot about chat-rooms". Well, guess what, I do! The chat-room dance is one of great skill and maneuvering, but if you play your cards right, you may end up with an e-friend before you can say "upload my modem!" Let me walk you through it:

a/s/l

– This is a standard chat-room opener, and stands for: "Age/Sex/Language of Correspondence". It will give you a good idea of who you are chatting with, and if they can understand you.

If all is good so far, you want to move into some personal info, so your chat partner can get to know you a little. These are some of my personal favorites...

MILC
– Man, I Love

HUSBFC?

– "Have you seen Bowling for Columbine?" - Asking questions, always a hot move.

I2ETBSB

– "I too enjoy the Backstreet Boys" - Finding common interests.

Now that you have gotten to know each other a bit, it is time to impress. Flash a few of these puppies and you'll have them eating out of the palm of your cyber-hand:

2WDMAR

- "Two wrongs don't make a right" - Demonstrates wisdom, and wisdom is power.

IHBG

- "I have bad gas" - Don't be ashamed of your body. Learn to love your flaws.

MOCIAGC

– "My other car is a golf club" - Braggadocio. Most often used by witches.

That should pretty much take care of the wooing stage. You may now move in for the kill:

IMGAY

- "Instant Messaging gets annoying, yeah?" - If they bite on the suggestion of another form of "Contact", reel them in with:

UWTGFADS...(OW)

- "You want to go for a drink sometime? (Or whatever) - Forward, but no too forward. A little game I like to call "Hard to get".

And that should do it. They will respond with an "O-YA!" or maybe a "Can we sing the Pollution-Man theme song?" and you are all set.

As for what to do on your actual real-life date? You'll have to look elsewhere for that kind of info. I can't seem to get past the braggadocio stage.

/Thank me l8r. BB4N!

LOL Admin.

WHAT THE SHIT

Click here for what may be the single most amazing and disturbing page I have ever seen on this wacky world wide web. Not for the faint of heart.



ps - Has everybody in the world already seen this thing? It seems like I am always the last to catch on...

Signs of the Times

Do you know what the universal sign for choking is?


It's this.

So that's like sign language. But you don't know sign language you say? I beg to differ. What if you don't like someones driving?


Sign Language.

Like someone more than a friend?


Sign Language.

Or say you have a cold?


Sign. Language.

Not only are we communicating with body signs all the time, we are also communicating with other signs that affect the people around us in a myriad of ways.

For instance, studies prove that at least 8 times a day we use:


Brain Signs.

And while we may not even be aware we are doing it, Brain Signs can cause such drastic results as:


Laughter!

And even:


Embarrassment.

Indeed, Brain Signs are something to be mindful of. But even worse than Brain Signs are the dreaded:


Computer Signs.

These are the most insidious of all the signs, and can manifest themselves in anything from:


Your Watch.

to your...


Borrowed Calculator.



I'm sorry I just can't go through with it, I'm stopping there. That has to be the most awful post ever. I actually feel sick to my stomach. Blech.

Happy weekend all, sorry for the yuck-fest!

LOL ADMINISTRATOR.

KITTY CAT CHITTY CHAT

Howdy pardners, welcome back to Cat Country. Sorry for the lag between posts, but it's hard to concentrate on blogging when your cat is as cute as mine!


C/h/at.

While it may be a dod-eat-dog world out there, it is also a cat-is-cute world! Just last night my cat caught a mouse, only problem is, it was my computer mouse!


Good.

Now, as you may or may not have noticed, you can use the letters in "cat" to spell "act", and boy can they ever!

I once wrote a play and acted it out with my cat Pookie. It went like this:

Me: Fine weather for golf, wouldn't you say Pookie?
Pookie: It most certainly is Marty, what say we shoot a quick nine holes?
Me: I meant fine weather for watching golf!
Pookie: I know Marty, when I said "shoot" I really meant "watch"!
Me and Pookie: (laughing).


Fore!

But cat's are not all fun and games. There is one problem with cats:


A cat will scratch a chair.

But don't get mad, this is just because of a cat's nature. And if they didn't have this nature, they wouldn't be so cute. That's the way I look at it!

Till next time, cat-lovers!

Bauer to the People

I finished season one of Twenty-Four on Saturday afternoon (while nursing the throat parasite that seems to have overtaken my CNS - that's doc talk, I learned it on ER) and have come to three conclusions:

1. Jack Bauer is the coolest human-being/Dad ever born onto the planet earth. No not cooler than Leo, Leo's not a Dad. Apples and Oranges people.
2. Anyone not watching this show is doing the entertainment equivalent of giving themself a wedgie.
3. If they re-made Speed and put Jack Bauer in the place of Jack Traven (Keanu) it would be far and away the best movie ever made. It would be a lot like On the Waterfront , only better.

In light of these revelations I decided to pitch my own show. It is not totally fleshed out yet, but I am thinking along the lines of a fast-paced, edge of your seat thrill-ride kind of thing. Or maybe more of a white-knuckle nail-biter guaranteed to keep you crawling back for more. In any event, I call it:


The pink symbolizes danger, of course.

I don't mean to be a braggadocio or anything, but Joel Siegel may or may not have called it "The greatest man-made action-drama since The John Larroquette Show".

A few highlights from Season One:

7:15 - Bed

Marty slams the Snooze button. Crime can wait, but for how long?

10:55 - The Couch

Almost time to watch The View. But who is the guest today? The tension is palpable.

3:18 - The big house.

"You bet your ass it was you cute little dude! And don't talk back to me, criminal!"

5:48 - Shoppers Drug Mart

Marty just isn't sold on the merits of 2 in 1 Shampoo and Conditioner.

10:34 - Kitchen

Enjoying some soup. Can't busts crooks on an empty stomach.

12:53 - Dreamland

Marty dreams that it is morning and then wakes up and thinks it is time to fight more crime. Then he looks at the clock: 12:53. What a relief!



I am still working on the theme song. The last version I tried turned out sounding just like the intro to Soap. What can you do, hey Leo?

LEO: Hey.